I'm dating a girl that's out of rehab
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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I'm dating a girl that's out of rehab
So I met this girl, she had gotten out of rehab about 2 months prior. We met at a party, we talked and got along and then she asked me for my number and started texting me. I sort of knew in the back of my head that I shouldn't date a recovering narcotic but I told her we should go biking some time. We scheduled it for next week.
Next week rolls around and she comes over early early in the morning to go biking and instead we end up having great passionate sex. Since then I've been seeing her on a regular basis... she says she is crazy about me and we have ALOT of sex, which I like.
She has a lot of insecurities which I have tried to help her with. Such as insecurities with her weight (even though she is not fat at all; she is actually quite attractive and I would even say slightly underweight) and she is also insecure with the lack of things she has accomplished with her life. She is only 19 but feels that she has wasted time. Also, every once in a while she gets agitated and says she wants to go back to drugs even though she knows it will make her miserable because she feels dull with out them. I always am able to calm her down and talk sense into her. I am pretty good at talking to people and, I think, I am very capable at convincing people of things.
Recently she has been having problems with her sponsor. She doesn't want to call her anymore. I have had to convince her to continue with her.
This girl likes me a lot but I'm not sure if it's because I'm her substitute to her addictions. I like her a lot too, maybe not as much as she likes me though. I don't want to leave her but I feel that maybe I should but am afraid she will go back to drugs if I do. I don't know what to do, I honestly do like her and want what's best for her but I am unsure about the relationship. Not to say that I want to end it but I am afraid that if I do she will lose herself and I will be responsible.
I am a college student. She wants to enroll in college again and says she looks up to what I've accomplished. She is smart and I know she is capable. I don't do drugs but I drink moderately. I try not to drink when she is around.
We've been consistently 'dating' for about a month. I'm trying to get her to go out to do things but she is nervous and insecure about it. We usually just 'hang out' at my apartment.
I know you aren't supposed to date people that are in recovery but I think I messed up. I've expressed my concerns with her about me being a possible reason for her going back to drugs but she says that I am a good influence on her and that she hopes she has enough self respect to not drugs because we get into a fight or something. Please help, I really do want to help her but I don't know what I should do.
Next week rolls around and she comes over early early in the morning to go biking and instead we end up having great passionate sex. Since then I've been seeing her on a regular basis... she says she is crazy about me and we have ALOT of sex, which I like.
She has a lot of insecurities which I have tried to help her with. Such as insecurities with her weight (even though she is not fat at all; she is actually quite attractive and I would even say slightly underweight) and she is also insecure with the lack of things she has accomplished with her life. She is only 19 but feels that she has wasted time. Also, every once in a while she gets agitated and says she wants to go back to drugs even though she knows it will make her miserable because she feels dull with out them. I always am able to calm her down and talk sense into her. I am pretty good at talking to people and, I think, I am very capable at convincing people of things.
Recently she has been having problems with her sponsor. She doesn't want to call her anymore. I have had to convince her to continue with her.
This girl likes me a lot but I'm not sure if it's because I'm her substitute to her addictions. I like her a lot too, maybe not as much as she likes me though. I don't want to leave her but I feel that maybe I should but am afraid she will go back to drugs if I do. I don't know what to do, I honestly do like her and want what's best for her but I am unsure about the relationship. Not to say that I want to end it but I am afraid that if I do she will lose herself and I will be responsible.
I am a college student. She wants to enroll in college again and says she looks up to what I've accomplished. She is smart and I know she is capable. I don't do drugs but I drink moderately. I try not to drink when she is around.
We've been consistently 'dating' for about a month. I'm trying to get her to go out to do things but she is nervous and insecure about it. We usually just 'hang out' at my apartment.
I know you aren't supposed to date people that are in recovery but I think I messed up. I've expressed my concerns with her about me being a possible reason for her going back to drugs but she says that I am a good influence on her and that she hopes she has enough self respect to not drugs because we get into a fight or something. Please help, I really do want to help her but I don't know what I should do.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 77
Originally Posted by Charli88 
I sort of knew in the back of my head that I shouldn't date a recovering narcotic . . . I am unsure about the relationship. . . . know you aren't supposed to date people that are in recovery but I think I messed up.
Read what you wrote. It sounds like you already know that dating this girl is not a good idea.
It also sounds like two thoughts stop you from breaking up with her: First, you want to help her; and second, you're afraid that if you break up with her, she will relapse.
It comes through so clearly that you want to do the right thing. But here's the truth: You cannot help her. She has to work her own recovery. And breaking up with her will not "cause" her to relapse. Life will hand her many difficult and unpleasant situations that she will have to learn to get through without drugs.
Welcome to SR. Please continue to post. I'm sure others will be along soon with much more experience and wisdom.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
I think you know what's going on in your girl friend's head right now pretty well.
When my son was in a drug and alcohol program as a teenager (16), he dropped out because he got his nose bent out of shape over a girl and then he went right back to where he was before he went into the program--hanging out with his using buddies.
It really is better for the addict to not have the extra stress of a relationship when they are newly recovered. It wasn't the girl's fault who snubbed my son. He didn't have the tools necessary yet to handle life's ups and downs and going back to using drugs was easier than facing the feelings of rejection.
My son is in rehab again as an adult and his current girl friend is also a drug addict. They have "broken up" since he went into rehab (she was the one that told my husband and me how sick our son was and said she'd had enough), but she still keeps in contact with him by phone. I wish she really would move on and not contact him. He needs to concentrate on his problems, not hers. She tends to complain to him which upsets him.
When my son leaves rehab, the last thing he will need is a new relationship. But of course, that's not for me to dictate.
When my son was in a drug and alcohol program as a teenager (16), he dropped out because he got his nose bent out of shape over a girl and then he went right back to where he was before he went into the program--hanging out with his using buddies.
It really is better for the addict to not have the extra stress of a relationship when they are newly recovered. It wasn't the girl's fault who snubbed my son. He didn't have the tools necessary yet to handle life's ups and downs and going back to using drugs was easier than facing the feelings of rejection.
My son is in rehab again as an adult and his current girl friend is also a drug addict. They have "broken up" since he went into rehab (she was the one that told my husband and me how sick our son was and said she'd had enough), but she still keeps in contact with him by phone. I wish she really would move on and not contact him. He needs to concentrate on his problems, not hers. She tends to complain to him which upsets him.
When my son leaves rehab, the last thing he will need is a new relationship. But of course, that's not for me to dictate.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Sounds like she may be addicted to you, to me, this is not a healthy situation. She has just switched addictions.
You cannot keep her from or make her use drugs. You are not that powerful.
She is so very young, which is good, her chances for recovery are much higher than they would be if she had been using for 25 years. However, with that said, this still will be a lifelong battle, relapse is always a possibility.
My thoughts? If you are unsure about this relationship, you know what needs to be done.
It is a real positive that you are reaching out, sounds like you are a level headed guy!
You cannot keep her from or make her use drugs. You are not that powerful.
She is so very young, which is good, her chances for recovery are much higher than they would be if she had been using for 25 years. However, with that said, this still will be a lifelong battle, relapse is always a possibility.
My thoughts? If you are unsure about this relationship, you know what needs to be done.
It is a real positive that you are reaching out, sounds like you are a level headed guy!
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Originally Posted by Charli88
...She has a lot of insecurities which I have tried to help her with.
... every once in a while she gets agitated and says she wants to go back to drugs ... I always am able to calm her down and talk sense into her.
...Recently she has been having problems with her sponsor. She doesn't want to call her anymore. I have had to convince her to continue with her.
...I don't want to leave her but I feel that maybe I should but am afraid she will go back to drugs if I do.
...I've expressed my concerns with her about me being a possible reason for her going back to drugs but she says that I am a good influence on her and that she hopes she has enough self respect to not drugs...
... every once in a while she gets agitated and says she wants to go back to drugs ... I always am able to calm her down and talk sense into her.
...Recently she has been having problems with her sponsor. She doesn't want to call her anymore. I have had to convince her to continue with her.
...I don't want to leave her but I feel that maybe I should but am afraid she will go back to drugs if I do.
...I've expressed my concerns with her about me being a possible reason for her going back to drugs but she says that I am a good influence on her and that she hopes she has enough self respect to not drugs...
Her sobriety is her responsibility. As a loving person you can support her in your choices (ie, don't drink around her), but it is solely her responsibility. "In the rooms" they say that any priority you put ahead of your sobriety you will ultimately lose. Addiction is a jealous mistress, she doesn't play second fiddle to anyone or anything.
Moreover, it seems your gf really is not ready for a relationship. Read the above quotes; does that sound like a 50/50 situation? Wittingly or otherwise, your romantic relationship has adversely affected her program. It is a distraction from the self-work that is required in early sobriety that enables one to have an equal partnership with another. It's not that you are bad, or her, or your relationship, it's just bad timing - the rule of thumb is no dating before one year of sobriety because so many have relapsed when they ignore it.
I would recommend that you end the relationship as lovingly, quickly and cleanly as possible. It won't feel like any of those things when you are doing it, but in the long run you will be doing the best for both of you. After she's got a year of (continuous) sobriety you both can revisit this if you choose. There's plenty of time to do it right, but it will seem like an eternity if you continue with the status quo.
Good luck.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 29
Its apparent you already have a trust issue with her. Unfortunately thats something you cant control. Just knowing her history is enough , but to worry about the future , no one knows what the future holds. Just be careful and look out for your self. Have fun while you can just becarful with the attachment. Opiate addiction will chew you up an dspit you out. Learn all you can , look for the signs . Good luck.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
It sounds like you have become immeshed with her in a short period of time. You already feel responsible for her actions and to whether or not she will use drugs. That sounds to me like a sign that you and her do not have healthy boundaries. It is not your position to try to stop somebody from using drugs. You are not a psychiatrist or a drug counselor. I understand that you are caring and good at convincing people. However, drugs are more powerful than anything else. She will choose to stay away from drugs or back to them on her own--no matter what you do. It sounds like she needs to be willing to take responsibility for herself. There is some good stickies on this website about "What addicts do." You might also want to read Codependent No More.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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I don't feel powerful enough to tell you to break up with anyone. But doesn't sound like this relationship is growing in a healthy direction because of where she is in her recovery. Can you just be a friend? Tough to step backwards but you and her recovery need breathing room.
The first year suggestion is arbitrary. After 365 days, someone doesn't just wake up ready to be healthy in a relationship. Some never get healthy in that area. It is more about spending a good 12 months focusing on herself and her recovery. You aren't 'bad' wanting her but the time and energy she will be placing on you or the budding relationship will take the focus away from her recovery program.
I feel for you because someone who gets involved with someone early in recovery gets lots of flack for it but how are you to know what her situation really is if you've not been around recovery before? I didn't. One thing I will caution though is to keep an open mind about her recovery 'story'. By that I mean, she may not be doing so great and you won't really know until she gets worse.
So for YOUR benefit, I'd caution you to keep one foot on the ground until you are darned sure she is taking her recovery 100% seriously. If you break up, do it for your benefit. Do it because you are comfortable with the decision and not to stir up drama in either of your lives. You are seeing her, whats done is done, you cant undo that but from here on out you can look at your options and what the best thing for YOU is. Her recovery is her responsibility, not yours.
The first year suggestion is arbitrary. After 365 days, someone doesn't just wake up ready to be healthy in a relationship. Some never get healthy in that area. It is more about spending a good 12 months focusing on herself and her recovery. You aren't 'bad' wanting her but the time and energy she will be placing on you or the budding relationship will take the focus away from her recovery program.
I feel for you because someone who gets involved with someone early in recovery gets lots of flack for it but how are you to know what her situation really is if you've not been around recovery before? I didn't. One thing I will caution though is to keep an open mind about her recovery 'story'. By that I mean, she may not be doing so great and you won't really know until she gets worse.
So for YOUR benefit, I'd caution you to keep one foot on the ground until you are darned sure she is taking her recovery 100% seriously. If you break up, do it for your benefit. Do it because you are comfortable with the decision and not to stir up drama in either of your lives. You are seeing her, whats done is done, you cant undo that but from here on out you can look at your options and what the best thing for YOU is. Her recovery is her responsibility, not yours.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
The fact that she was at a 'party' two months post-rehab sends up red flags for me personally.
I know for me relationships early in my recovery did nothing but take my focus away from where it needed to be.
However, I wasn't ready to listen to anyone, and the end result was I eventually used and drank after 4 years clean/sober.
I know for me relationships early in my recovery did nothing but take my focus away from where it needed to be.
However, I wasn't ready to listen to anyone, and the end result was I eventually used and drank after 4 years clean/sober.
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