angie4

Just a quick recap:
2 days ago I found out my AH had relapsed. I laid out my boundries (no lying, counseling, meetings, no using, ect). We went to our first Celebrate Recovery meeting (again, that was awesome).

Today I go home for lunch and notice my sons xbox is missing. I have no idea how long it has been gone (no more than a few days I am sure). First instinct, ask my AH. His response: took it to work, last night (he works in a coal mine ~ night shift). Will bring it home in the am. First problem with that: the game that was in the xbox is in my truck (which he didnt drive to work yesterday ~ but he did use during the day the past few days). The game would have to have been removed while the power was on. So to me that means one of two things happened... he pawned it and when the pawn shop powered it up to make sure it worked they removed the game. Or he gave it to a drug dealer and the same thing occured. I am leaning more towards the pawn shop. Of course he denies denies denies.

So, here lies the problem. I dont and may never know if he is lying to me. I am sure he is but of course cant prove it. I could call around to some of the pawn shops in hopes of finding it or the truth... but that is me obsessing again. i could wait to see if it is returned in the am. I could ignore it and wait for the truth to come out and then enforce my boundries. Or, I could trust Mr. Gut Feeling, enforce them now and hope I am not wrong ( or hope that I am )

When I set my boundries I though this will be easy... if he lies or uses I am gone. Forgot to make a plan for denying lies.

Sorry I am posting so much lately. My feelings change with the hour. I am so mixed up.

2 days into boundry setting and here we go.

eggdogg1234

If I were you I would post here as much as possible and never apologize for it...for it is in others stories that we find ourselves. What does it matter if he lied or not? Would it make you feel better if you were wrong, because that would imply that you are obsessively trying to live someone else's life. Would it make you feel better if you were right, because that would re-enforce your codependent leanings to obsessively try and live someone else's life. Addicts lie and codependents worry. You will never change him into the person you want him to be...however you can (hopefully) go and get some ice cream and spend the day in the park treating yourself with love and compassion because YOU deserve to smile.

FWIW I did the (and am still doing) the boundary thing with my ex-wfe (the addict in my life). An analogy, if I may: My boundaries were a small shelter in the middle of a war, at first. Constantly being under assault by her and myself I hid in the corner of my mind. I eventually learned how to defend my front and backyard, then my street, my neighborhood, my city. I got so good at extending and defending my boundaries I decided to stop the war and declare independence. Now if addicts want to try and mess with my life, they can do so from beyond my borders where I can't hear them.

Good luck.

eggdogg1234

I am not trying to be stand offish, but I have to ask. In my 10 years dealing with the addict in my life my gut feelings were pretty much always right. We are codies, we know, its what we do, its how we operate. What does it matter though? The idea of recovery for a codie is not being right, its not putting yourself in these types of situations. IMO, and I mean no disrespect to the OP, but the xbox is not the problem, the lie is not the problem...the problem is how to extract yourself from the situation and then understand how you operate so as to never be in that situation again.

angie4

Theft it is. And if he was truely trying to work on the trust issues... he wouldnt have taken it to work without mentioning it to me first. As the last time it was "missing" he pawned it.

Have dropped it for now. Maybe it will show up Maybe it wont. Cant help it now. And I will never ever never know the truth. Never!

suki44883

He is lying. You KNOW he's lying. Either you are willing to back up your boundaries or you aren't. You can play around with words all you want, but bottom line is...what are you willing to live with? You could go on like this for years, never knowing for sure if he's lying, but feeling in your gut that he is. Your gut is rarely wrong.

Freedom1990

Agreed on all fronts. Wait till the AM and then take action.

I'd be livid to have a child's xbox taken, but then I refuse to live with active addiction in my home. That's exactly why my AD isn't even allowed in my front door!

angie4

I was afraid yall would call me out on that. You are right. The xbox / lie is not the problem. The situation is the problem. He makes me feel crazy and I allow it. I should have made him leave when there was no denying his relapse. I felt so strong and confident that day. Now, he has me so twisted up and unsure of myself.

Wife2anaddict

I think you know he is lying as well, but I just want to add a side note about "gut feelings" for a sec. As a codie, I am often not confident in my "gut feeling" and in fact, many times, I have had what I thought was a "gut feeling" when in actuality, I've morphed a miniscule thought to fit exactly what I want to accuse my addict of. Does that make sense? Like, if AH was 12 minutes late home from work, I'd already invented in my head that he had to pull out money, stop at the drug dealers house, and get a quick fix before coming home. My mind has placed him in crack/***** houses, selling our car for drugs, being arrested for being the leader of a drug ring, when in reality, he's actually just 12 minutes late coming home from work. My therapist calls this catastrophic thinking. So, my point is, I know many of us tell us to trust our gut feeling, but as codies, we can't even trust ourselves, so how can we listen to our gut?
Not implying that you should believe him, just making a side note

eggdogg1234

Good post. However there is a distinction between mind and gut not being made. Your gut is telling you the truth and your mind is making stuff up. To that end I say trust your gut not your head. Its not about the specifics (ei the xbox or WHY they are late) its about how you feel as a spiritual individual and how you can make your self feel good inside.

angie4

Wife2anaddict
That is excatly what I do! i wrote down a quote the other day (maybe from here)

I react as though everything is a crisis because I have lived with so many crisis for so long that crisis reaction is my habit.

like you mentioned.. I no longer trust myself so trusting my gut seems crazy. What a terrible way to live.

suki44883

I agree. A gut feeling comes when there is evidence to point to something, whether you want to believe it or not. A mind game comes when we don't have any evidence, we're just going on past behavior or our own fears.

eggdogg1234

I trust your gut, and I imagine most members here trust your gut as well.

eaglette

In my personal dealings with my ex, I did not understand codependency or addiction. I threatened all the time to leave. It took him moving to Florida for me to realize that I did not want to follow him down the path he was traveling. There is a difference between threats and boundaries. Saying something means nothing unless it is backed up with action. My ex learned quickly that, regardless of what I said, I loved him and would stay. My ultimatums meant nothing because I made it that way, just as his addict promises ended up meaning nothing to me. Your husband's words mean nothing because his actions show clearly that he is lying. What do YOUR words mean? Today, if I told my BF that I would leave him if he lied, and he lied to me (especially if I had a kid who was being taken advantage of), I would leave. Setting boundaries means you mean what you say and will follow through. Otherwise your words are just threats, and the addict in your life is well aware of that. You can do what you want after you take the action that supports your words, but have to follow through if you want the situation to get anywhere.

To quote a phrase I've learned from here, "If nothing changes, nothing changes".

Freedom1990

The thing is, you don't have to live that way. You have the power to make decisions in the best interest of yourself and your son.

He can't twist you up unless you give him and his insanity permission.

Trust your gut.

:ghug3

hello-kitty

Until you focus on you and your dis-ease of codependency nothing will get better. I feel bad for your son. He has no choice in this matter. And no one is protecting him from drug addiction. Poor kid.

outtolunch

Until I let go of the outcome and take action when my boundaries are crossed, the the boundary remains an attempt to control someone else.

dollydo

I guess the questions I ask myself are : Is this behavior fair to your son? Does he really have to accept that his own father is stealing from him and that his mother is not going to do the right thing to protect him?

You will just have to wait and see if it magically appears, then you will have to decide whether you intend to enforce your bounderies, or, let them slide again.

My concern in all of this is your son.

lightseeker

Angie,

Boy - do I see myself in your posts. I set boundary after boundary....knew the consequences, felt good about setting them, and then something would happen that felt confusing or confounding. Then I would question myself, listen to his explanations, and then stay right where I was. Again and again.

I also pretended that my situation wasn't affecting my sons as much as it really was. I am so sorry now that I put us in that situation. It's really hard to be consistent and clear on boundaries. I really meant it that I was going to leave my husband....only I waited so long to do it that he absolutely was floored when I did. I would say "I'm leaving" and then he conned me and said things like "I know that you'll leave so I definitely am going to do better". The game just got more and more intricate when I let the details derail me. He didn't believe me until I didn't warn him - I just went.

One of the things about boundaries is to not give warnings. Just do what you said you were going to do. Each time you cross a boundary and stay - the more you stop trusting yourself.

Keep posting all that you need. You are only as sick as your secrets so I say post away.

angie4

Well the saga continues:
I walked in yesterday evening (AH was getting ready for work) and saw him shoving something down the front of his pants. Of course me told me it was nothing. After hiding in the bathroom for a few minutes produced a can of deoderant. Ha! told me he was carrying deoderant in his pants. I told him that was ridiclous and that Im not going down this path again. He needs to move out. (I am confident he wont ~ not easily anyway). He left for work and didnt show up this morning. Trust me its not because he is making this easy... he had to stop for drugs or pick up my sons xbox. I assure you he will be at home sleeping when I go by there at lunch. That is if he doesnt have an accident on his way home, he has only had 2 hours of sleep in the past 48.

hello-kitty

So Angie. in a previous thread you said you had an escape plan, specific steps you would take to protect yourself and your child. What was it? What's the first thing you are going to do?

• Have you put any money away?
• Will you call your family and tell them your husband is stealing from you and asked them if you could come stay?
• Will you change the locks so he can't get back in?
• Will you call the police and reported the Xbox missing, or report that your husband has been up on drugs for 2 days and and is now driving the family car and there's a good likelihood that he may run someone over.
• Will you speak to your pastor and tell him your husband is stealing from your house and you need a safe place to go so you can protect children?
• Will you call a domestic abuse hotline and get advice from them?
  
• Instead of focusing on what your husband is doing (you ARLEADY KNOW he's a liar and using drugs and we believe you so you don't have to prove it to anyone), focus on what you are doing. What ONE THING are you going to do today to save your children and yourself?

Your husband is not going to change. You have to.