I letter to my husband
 

So I did alot of reading tonight while at work and came up with a breif note for my AH. I don't know when I will give it to him. I am trying hard to focus on me (and our children) and set boundries but I know I have a long way to go. My first step is that I plan to attend a Naranon meeting on Tuesday. So anyway here is my note.

Dear AH,
I love you and I want what is best for you but more importantly I want what is best for our children and having an active addict for a dad is not it. I can't make choices for you but I can for myself and for them. I can no longer enable you.
If you choose to use drugs, you will have to figure out how to pay for them. I can not give you money anymore.
If you become desperate and choose to steal from us, you will no longer be welcome in our lives or our home.
I can no longer allow you to use our van. You will need to find your own way around. I will not drive you to any location that will provide for your addiction.
I now understand that you're an addict and that you will lie to me. I will not accept your promises as I know you are not capable of keeping them.
I will not lie for you or hide your addiction for you. Secrets hurt me and they won't help you.
I will not help you if you get arrested and end up in jail. I will not bail you out. I will not visit you. I will not take you to court. Your trouble is just that. Yours.
Most importantly, if you die from your addiction, I will NEVER EVER FORGIVE YOU. EVER. And if you keep using, you will die.

I know now that I can not rescue you, save you, or fix you. Only you can. (I hope someday you do)

Love,
Me

Is there a part, "...if you choose to use drugs, you will have to find alternate housing, because I will not live with active addiction in my home or near our children?"

CLMI

Most importantly, if you die from your addiction, I will NEVER EVER FORGIVE YOU. EVER. And if you keep using, you will die

Seems like a threat..

I'm so glad you got your boundaries written down on paper. I think it's important to share them with him when you are ready and certain that you will be able to follow through on the consequences.

And although I COMPLETELY understand the sentiment of the last statement about forgiveness and death. Maybe that's where you start focusing on your children and put the rest in the hands of a power higher than yourself.

(((hugs))) This is a good thing.

I think that your bounderies are a step in the right direction. However, as with all bounderies, you must be ready to enforce them, say what you mean and mean what you say.

Forgiveness, is for you, for your well-being not his. Actually, after he's dead, he won't care whether you forgive him or not...see, you will still be here and forgiving will set you free, not him, it will be too late for him.

I see progress, this is good, keep posting, we are here for you.

My best,

AlleyKat,

Thats a great letter - it's succinct and powerful.

The above sentence sticks out, though. It almost invalidates everything written before, because it implies that there is an element of control in this whole thing, that he is intentionally being an addict and that you will get your pound of flesh if he doesn't do what you desire. If your husband ever gets sobriety, it will be for himself. It is a profound realization to understand that saving yourself is worth the effort. It is from that knowledge that his actions towards others will be loving, as he will understand that they are just as worthy. But right now, he simply does not know or understand. And sadly, it's possible he never will.