angie4

I posted yesterday that my old friend "gut feeling" is once again back in my life. And like always, Mr. Gut Feeling was right. I should never doubt him.

My AH and I sat down last night and we BOTH laid it all out on the table. he explained to me that he is in full blown relapse (my words not his). He realizes that he can not do this on his own. He wants to be clean and would like to start attending meetings and counseling. (we will get to what I think about this in a minute) He wants to keep his family together and knows he needs help. He is sorry for everything and will do anything to make it right. Blah Blah Blah

Let me start by saying, he is an addict and will say just about anything to get his way. I know this. I was really quite unaffected by his words. Dont get me wrong I believe he wants to change, as he is in a really different place than he ever has been. What I mean is, he seems to stop himself (and get back on the program) before he is completley out of control. Its like he comes to his senses just before the ^%&^% hits the fan. I suppose in some twisted way that is good. So I explained my boundaries (which I have been working on for a few weeks)
1. I will not live with an active addict. If he chooses to get high the relationship as we know it will be over.
2. I will not live with a liar. If he chooses to lie (about anything) the relationship as we know it will be over.
3. I can live with a recovering addict. However, to me, a recovering addict is someone who attends meetings, counseling, changes there places and faces. If he chooses not to do this the relationship as we know it will be over.
4. I will not be responsible for his sobrority. It is his battle to fight. I will support him through it and be by his side but I will not hold his hand and pull him through.
honestly, I was a little afraid that my boundaries sounded like I was trying to control him. But, I truely believe these are my boundaries (as far as drug use is concerned) and I can not continue a relationship with him without these things. he actually asked a few things of me as well. Things that i should be doing anyway, like: give him some room to talk to me. Dont jump on him the moment he gets home. Let him approach me. I think that is good and he is right in asking for it. So I think the conversation went well. I am disappointed that he has relapsed. But now we both know where we stand. The boundaries are laid and i truely believe I am ready to live with the consequences should I need to.

Let me add one more thing, we went to our first meeting last night. And let me just say it was amazing. In my area the only meetings available are through the group Celebrate Recovery. It was awesome. The first part of the meeting was just simply a church service based on recovery. We were able to sit and worship together. It was very touching and brought tears to my eyes. The second part of the meeting is where they break off into smaller meetings geared to specific needs. We didnt stay for that part as we were both a little bit uncomfortable. But very much plan on staying the next time.
Its a big step in the right direction. 10 years of this madness and maybe now we have found a place where we can get peace (if not we than me).
I also plan on making a marriage counselor appointment today. I think that no matter what direction this goes, we need to be able to communicate. So, onto recovery.....

Freedom1990

This is wonderful progress on your part, and I hope you are proud of yourself, dear!

dollydo

There you go, that wasn't so bad was it?

Wonderful start, you can do this!

kmangel

I want to check out Celebrate Recovery for my husband and me, too, as co-dependants. Angie, do they have meetings for the friends and family of alcoholics/addicts?

lightseeker

wow. Great job! I heard a lot of peace in your post - no matter what happens. I am really happy for you.

I was in your shoes 6 years ago....involved with a chronic relapser who made all of those same promises. Like you, I knew that I was done with active addiction. And also, I knew that plane old "sober" wasn't enough to restore a relationship. I knew that it would take both of us working a strong recovery program for the rest of our lives. I'm glad that you've found Celebrate Recovery. I have never been to one of their meetings but have heard good things about it. Early on, I felt like it was a good thing that we were headed to meetings in the same direction (NA for him, Naranon for me) at least once a week. That really seemed to help and be a bonding experience.

I was at an Alanon meeting on Monday and a woman spoke about the 3rd step of Alanon (turning our will over to God as we understand him). She said what a blessing that had been and how wonderful it was that her husband now had 5+ years of recovery (going to meetings, doing the "deal", etc). It brought tears to my eyes and I was truly happy for her and her family.

My story doesn't have the same ending but through my work in recovery I know that I have a happy ending, too. My husband chose to stop participating in recovery 1 1/2 years into his sobriety. My boundary was that I would only be with him IF he was in recovery - not just sober. Unfortunately, I did not adhere to my boundaries until 1 month ago. We got into a long struggle of him stopping recovery and then when I was on the way out the door he would go back to a few meetings, pacify me, and then we'd go back on the merry go round. Again and again. I think that where I failed was in giving him so many opportunities to try again instead of just ending the relationship after he had not gone to meetings/worked a program for a couple of weeks/months. I really struggled with how to stay out of his program but yet maintain my boundaries.

There is nothing wrong with saying that you will only be involved with someone working a recovery. That is your prerogative. I would never be involved with a dry drunk/addict at this point.....I wish that I had been better prepared with how to handle my boundaries if he chose to stop recovery.

If you work your own recovery program you win no matter what happens. You will be better off for it in every way.

Keep us posted - I'm thinking about you!

hello-kitty

I think it's great that he attended a celebrate recovery meeting. I also think it's great that YOU went to a celebrate recovery meeting because it's important for you to focus on YOUR own recovery.

I admire you for stating your boundaries and the consequences of violating them. They are very strong, well-stated boundaries. But, what's your action plan for following through on the consequences should your boundaries be violated? As the boy scouts say, "Always be prepared."

Boundaries that we are incapable of following through on, for whatever reason (lack of an action plan, lack of resolve, an attempt to control others) just aggravate our situation and make us miserable.

Never forget, that your recovery is about YOU. That you need help as much as he does.

angie4

hello-kitty
My action plan if / when my boundaries are violated is to remove myself and my kids from the situation. At this point divorce is not an option but I dont have to live with him. i dont have to go down that road with him. And i wont. If he wants to live that life he will do it without me. Period. I will continue to work on myself through reading and meetings (as much as possible). Beyond that... who knows. All I know is that my participation in game is over. With or without him I will be ok.

hello-kitty

Very true.

So you know where you go? I just ask because for so long, I was unable to follow through on my consequence because I didn't know HOW I was going to do it. I could draw boundaries, but I didn't know how to actually act on them. I had to make a simple plan and take baby steps to get started moving towards my goal. It didn't happen overnight. (I'm big on planning and being prepared for anything that could - it's probably very annoying to some people ;-)).

The other thing that held me back was guilt - like I was giving up on him. When in fact, I wasn't giving up on him. I just decided that I needed to focus all my attention on taking care of my child and myself, and not taking care of a grown man who should really have been taking care of himself.

angie4

Let me say one more thing. I do need to come up with a plan to remove him from the house. As I am sure he will not go willingly. As far as I am concerned the house and all that is in it belongs to me. As i have been the one keeping it all together these last few years. And the financial issues that I will have to face will be very stressful. But thats all just in the details. I have always been financialy independent (dont ask for help ~ ever). So that maybe a little hard for me. But, I have a wonderful supportive family and I know I can rely on them.. I can also go back to my old career (left a great income to be closer to kids and hubby). So worse case senario I can go back to working hard to make the $. I know if i did that supporting my family would be easier. I suppose I may want to consider that just in case... huh?

newnormal4me

Wow Angie! It is clear in your post that you have grown immensely in a short amount of time. I am very proud of you. You are moving in the right direction and you can do this.

I attended CR for a while and I desperately want to get back to it. After our separation childcare is an issue. But your post reminds me how bad I still need a meeting in my life.

Anyway, good luck with this all. Stay strong!