Son's Rehab
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Son's Rehab
My son is on his 11th day in rehab. His drug addiction is to vicodin. The doctor in the center put him on Suboxine and he has been taking reduced amounts each day with his last 1/8 pill today. All was going pretty well with his withdrawals other than having trouble sleeping. Last Tuesday was the last night he got any sleep. He can't sleep at all now and Saturday he began feeling really horrible, too--physically as well as hallucinations and what he called lucid dreams. I am thinking this is all par for the course of coming off the drug he is addicted to. He is going to be in a lot of pain before he begins to feel better.
My husband contacted the center's administrator about our son's progress and the return response was not good. Just reading the email alone would make it seem our son is deliberately not participating in the activities at the center because he is being borderline noncompliant. When we talk to our son he admits he says he doesn't want to participate but because he feels so badly. He is not much interested in doing anything in the center--the meetings both group and individual and whatever else they have available to him--because he says he feels too bad to participate.
Before he began to feel so horrible on Saturday, he did express interest in what he was learning to us. Of course, that could just be his telling us what we want to hear.
My husband and I plan on talking to our son's counselor over the telephone, but my question here is does this seem normal that our son would be too ill to be compliant or am I totally deceiving myself!
My husband contacted the center's administrator about our son's progress and the return response was not good. Just reading the email alone would make it seem our son is deliberately not participating in the activities at the center because he is being borderline noncompliant. When we talk to our son he admits he says he doesn't want to participate but because he feels so badly. He is not much interested in doing anything in the center--the meetings both group and individual and whatever else they have available to him--because he says he feels too bad to participate.
Before he began to feel so horrible on Saturday, he did express interest in what he was learning to us. Of course, that could just be his telling us what we want to hear.
My husband and I plan on talking to our son's counselor over the telephone, but my question here is does this seem normal that our son would be too ill to be compliant or am I totally deceiving myself!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
As much as you want to support your son and encourage his participation in rehab, this is a good time to step away from the addict and let the professionals work with him.
As anvilhead mentioned, he is not the first addict to walk through their doors. They have a very good idea of what to expect with withdrawal.....they've seen it hundreds of times. He won't be able to pull the wool over their eyes or pull the emotional card.
I remember the last time I took our son to rehab (last November). A guy walked in and shook my son's hand and asked him if he had detoxed. My son replied "yeah" and the guy said "Well I doubt it....you've still got the clamy hands and attitude--I can see it in your eyes." (I had to refrain from the noisy gaspy inhale......because I though my son was going to deck him or walk out.) But instead my son just gave him the evil eye and dropped it......probably because the guy was spot on and he didn't like being exposed in a lie like that. The folks at the rehab were a mix of empathetic and tough. He wasn't able to pull the emotional card that he could pull with us......and that's a good thing.
Your son is going through some rough stuff right now.....and that's ok. It's good for him to feel the pain of withdrawal. It gives him a good reason NOT to get back on the stuff.
This whole addiction/rehab thing is as tough on us as it is on them....but they need to live it, experience it, and process it. Ultimately staying clean is their responsibility. I hope that the rehab has some great family programs for you. Working a program for myself (I go to Alanon and Naranon meetings weekly) has allowed me extended periods of serenity through some pretty rough times--and I know that it will give my son the best chance at sobriety if/when he elects to choose that path.
Your son, you and your husband will be in my prayers today.
gentle hugs
ke
As anvilhead mentioned, he is not the first addict to walk through their doors. They have a very good idea of what to expect with withdrawal.....they've seen it hundreds of times. He won't be able to pull the wool over their eyes or pull the emotional card.
I remember the last time I took our son to rehab (last November). A guy walked in and shook my son's hand and asked him if he had detoxed. My son replied "yeah" and the guy said "Well I doubt it....you've still got the clamy hands and attitude--I can see it in your eyes." (I had to refrain from the noisy gaspy inhale......because I though my son was going to deck him or walk out.) But instead my son just gave him the evil eye and dropped it......probably because the guy was spot on and he didn't like being exposed in a lie like that. The folks at the rehab were a mix of empathetic and tough. He wasn't able to pull the emotional card that he could pull with us......and that's a good thing.
Your son is going through some rough stuff right now.....and that's ok. It's good for him to feel the pain of withdrawal. It gives him a good reason NOT to get back on the stuff.
This whole addiction/rehab thing is as tough on us as it is on them....but they need to live it, experience it, and process it. Ultimately staying clean is their responsibility. I hope that the rehab has some great family programs for you. Working a program for myself (I go to Alanon and Naranon meetings weekly) has allowed me extended periods of serenity through some pretty rough times--and I know that it will give my son the best chance at sobriety if/when he elects to choose that path.
Your son, you and your husband will be in my prayers today.
gentle hugs
ke
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It is not uncommon for the addict, once sober for more than a few days, to rebel against rehab or their rules, policies or programs. This is about the time they send home the terrible stories in hopes of someone rescuing them...which means they can go back out and resume where they left off.
Most that last past a few weeks, will do well in the program. How they do after the program is related to how much they want to hang on to a better way of living.
I would take a step back and just trust the rehab, the counselors and their program. It was working before your son got there and it will work long after he leaves. Hopefully it will work for him too.
Hugs
Most that last past a few weeks, will do well in the program. How they do after the program is related to how much they want to hang on to a better way of living.
I would take a step back and just trust the rehab, the counselors and their program. It was working before your son got there and it will work long after he leaves. Hopefully it will work for him too.
Hugs
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Thank you for your responses.
We attended our first AlAnon meeting last night. There are programs at our son's center, but we are out of state so we are unable to attend them. We also have a family counselor now that we are meeting with to help us through this period of our lives.
We attended our first AlAnon meeting last night. There are programs at our son's center, but we are out of state so we are unable to attend them. We also have a family counselor now that we are meeting with to help us through this period of our lives.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
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Originally Posted by kmangel 
Thank you for your responses.
We attended our first AlAnon meeting last night. There are programs at our son's center, but we are out of state so we are unable to attend them. We also have a family counselor now that we are meeting with to help us through this period of our lives.
We attended our first AlAnon meeting last night. There are programs at our son's center, but we are out of state so we are unable to attend them. We also have a family counselor now that we are meeting with to help us through this period of our lives.
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Originally Posted by outtolunch
If I recall, your son is in his late 20's. Is it time to let go and give him the dignity to manage his own recovery, or not?
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Location: The Jungle
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Thank you for your responses.
We attended our first AlAnon meeting last night. There are programs at our son's center, but we are out of state so we are unable to attend them. We also have a family counselor now that we are meeting with to help us through this period of our lives.
We attended our first AlAnon meeting last night. There are programs at our son's center, but we are out of state so we are unable to attend them. We also have a family counselor now that we are meeting with to help us through this period of our lives.
Quote:
Originally Posted by outtolunch
If I recall, your son is in his late 20's. Is it time to let go and give him the dignity to manage his own recovery, or not?
Yes, it is for my son to work his own recovery, not me. I am new at this. Be patient with me as I come to realize that the focus should be on my life, not his. Being a mother doesn't cease when a child turns 27.
Originally Posted by outtolunch
If I recall, your son is in his late 20's. Is it time to let go and give him the dignity to manage his own recovery, or not?
Yes, it is for my son to work his own recovery, not me. I am new at this. Be patient with me as I come to realize that the focus should be on my life, not his. Being a mother doesn't cease when a child turns 27.
We're here for you.
gentle hugs from another Mom
ke
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Nope, you don't stop being his mother whether he is 27, 37 or 47 . . . but the sooner you are able to start focusing on yourself the better.
You can only live your own life. You can only convince yourself to get out of bed each day, get dressed, go about your daily responsibilities, do the next right thing in your life . . . you can only convince yourself not to take drugs, drink to excess, lie, cheat or steal . . . you can only convince yourself to have respect for yourself and the way you conduct yourself.
No matter what I said to my son (30 years old) in the past, he did what he did in the end, took drugs. No matter how many times I asked him "You're not using this money for drugs are you?" he did. No matter how many time I said "If you are taking drugs, I will never speak to you again." he did.
I loved him then and I love him now, but I've learned to take care of myself, expect nothing more from him then to be who he is and not try to make him be anything more or make him do (or not do) anything. His life is his responsibility. My life is my responsibility.
Don't worry about what you "think" you hear from our replies . . . we've all been through the same thing in one way or another . . . we are here to support you and, I for one, hope that our collective experiences, strength and support will help each other grow to be the best we can. Welcome.
You can only live your own life. You can only convince yourself to get out of bed each day, get dressed, go about your daily responsibilities, do the next right thing in your life . . . you can only convince yourself not to take drugs, drink to excess, lie, cheat or steal . . . you can only convince yourself to have respect for yourself and the way you conduct yourself.
No matter what I said to my son (30 years old) in the past, he did what he did in the end, took drugs. No matter how many times I asked him "You're not using this money for drugs are you?" he did. No matter how many time I said "If you are taking drugs, I will never speak to you again." he did.
I loved him then and I love him now, but I've learned to take care of myself, expect nothing more from him then to be who he is and not try to make him be anything more or make him do (or not do) anything. His life is his responsibility. My life is my responsibility.
Don't worry about what you "think" you hear from our replies . . . we've all been through the same thing in one way or another . . . we are here to support you and, I for one, hope that our collective experiences, strength and support will help each other grow to be the best we can. Welcome.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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When this problem first began to come to light and my son began telling my husband and me that he wanted to come home, we encouraged it. That was in the beginning before we knew of his addiction and using heroin. Things progressed quickly and he thankfully was put into a court ordered rehab. The judge got our son into getting help much faster than any of us would have done and I'm grateful for that.
We got the negative email from his counselor and I said to my husband that if our son is not willing to work his program in rehab, what makes him think he will work it here in our home? Our son has two more weeks to have a change of heart. He is only just coming through his detoxing. When his mind clears, he may make better choices. I told my husband we must trust the counselors to guide our son and to tell him what is best for our son.
I am much more willing to use tough love than my husband. I am more willing to say to our son that whatever his counselor says is what we will support. My husband imagines the consequences of our son not choosing to do what the counselor suggests (like live on the streets rather than further rehab). Our son has two more weeks in his rehab and he may decide more rehab is precisely what he wants, but if not, then that is his choice to make. That's hard for my husband to accept, but it is necessary as this is a journey only our son can take.
It's not an easy place to be--parents on different sides of the equation. That's why we have a family counselor and are checking out groups like Al-Anon and Celebrate Recovery, and I come here. I really do understand where all of you who have walked in my shoes are coming from.
We got the negative email from his counselor and I said to my husband that if our son is not willing to work his program in rehab, what makes him think he will work it here in our home? Our son has two more weeks to have a change of heart. He is only just coming through his detoxing. When his mind clears, he may make better choices. I told my husband we must trust the counselors to guide our son and to tell him what is best for our son.
I am much more willing to use tough love than my husband. I am more willing to say to our son that whatever his counselor says is what we will support. My husband imagines the consequences of our son not choosing to do what the counselor suggests (like live on the streets rather than further rehab). Our son has two more weeks in his rehab and he may decide more rehab is precisely what he wants, but if not, then that is his choice to make. That's hard for my husband to accept, but it is necessary as this is a journey only our son can take.
It's not an easy place to be--parents on different sides of the equation. That's why we have a family counselor and are checking out groups like Al-Anon and Celebrate Recovery, and I come here. I really do understand where all of you who have walked in my shoes are coming from.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
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I sure do agree, you are in a difficult situation if your husband is not singing the same tune.
In my dealings with an addict, a united front was essential, once they idenify a crack in the foundation, they slip right in. They are very clever and resourceful.
You are doing all that you can, take care.
In my dealings with an addict, a united front was essential, once they idenify a crack in the foundation, they slip right in. They are very clever and resourceful.
You are doing all that you can, take care.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I can only imagine how difficult it must be to have parents on different sides. Although I've been divorced from my AD's father since the 80's, we still did a good job of co-parenting when her problems started.
He even offered to put her through rehab where he lives, and then get her set up with a place of her own, but she refused. That meant leaving the lifestyle and her cronies behind.
Unfortunately my grandchildren have paid a high price for her poor decisions.
I would caution you to rethink him possibly coming back to live with you if rehab goes well.
A sober living facility would give him a structured environment and help him transition back into life without the drugs.
I'll be keeping all of you in my prayers.
He even offered to put her through rehab where he lives, and then get her set up with a place of her own, but she refused. That meant leaving the lifestyle and her cronies behind.
Unfortunately my grandchildren have paid a high price for her poor decisions.
I would caution you to rethink him possibly coming back to live with you if rehab goes well.
A sober living facility would give him a structured environment and help him transition back into life without the drugs.
I'll be keeping all of you in my prayers.
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990
He even offered to put her through rehab where he lives, and then get her set up with a place of her own, but she refused. That meant leaving the lifestyle and her cronies behind.
I would caution you to rethink him possibly coming back to live with you if rehab goes well.
A sober living facility would give him a structured environment and help him transition back into life without the drugs.
I'll be keeping all of you in my prayers.
I would caution you to rethink him possibly coming back to live with you if rehab goes well.
A sober living facility would give him a structured environment and help him transition back into life without the drugs.
I'll be keeping all of you in my prayers.
Our son has expressed, even before the truth all came out about his addiction, a desire to leave where he is living. At first, though, he said he wouldn't leave because of the girl friend--all her family were there and she wouldn't want to leave--but recently he started talking more and more about leaving the state with or without her. So hanging with his cronies is something he was already willing to leave behind. At the time he began to express leaving, he wasn't thinking rehab, though. I think he thought moving away would solve his problems, but now I think he realizes it wouldn't have. It would have been really problematic for all of us had he just up and moved home, addictions intact. I'm so grateful he's in rehab now so that healing has a chance to take root for him.
I'll wait until we are contacted from his counselor about what the next step will be.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
My son was homeless and living day-by-day in homeless shelters . . . it wasn't the end the end of the world, I'm just saying.
I'm so glad now that I was in an apt. w/my grown daughter at the time who absolutely refused to have him any where near our apt. I don't think I could have said no by my self and can only imagine how much longer his using would have gone on if I had provided him a place to live.
He is far behind in living a full life as a responsible adult, but he is trying to get there on his own . . . he has legal issues hanging over his head . . . but will have to deal with that in his own way.
Just know you're not alone, AlAnon, NarAnon and SR have been very helpful.
I'm so glad now that I was in an apt. w/my grown daughter at the time who absolutely refused to have him any where near our apt. I don't think I could have said no by my self and can only imagine how much longer his using would have gone on if I had provided him a place to live.
He is far behind in living a full life as a responsible adult, but he is trying to get there on his own . . . he has legal issues hanging over his head . . . but will have to deal with that in his own way.
Just know you're not alone, AlAnon, NarAnon and SR have been very helpful.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Chances are good that counselors will recommend a sober living facility of some sort. They did the same when my son was released from rehab. Stupidest thing I ever did was allow him to come home. I wish I would have listened to the wisdom of professionals and I would have saved all of us a lot of despair and anguish.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((KMangel))) - I think it's great that you and your husband are trying to work out what is best for both of YOU, and no, you don't ever stop being a mom. I'm WAY older than your son, and I'm still my "daddy's little girl".
I will say that I think that your son coming home might not be a good idea unless you and your husband are both on the same page. We A's can be pretty darned manipulative and sneaky. Also, even if he leaves the town (or state) where he's living, if he doesn't truly want recovery, he will find other users. I've been in recovery for a little over 4 years, and I can spot a crack user (my DOC) anywhere...just recently took a trip to NY and could spot them in any town.
What got me into recovery, more than anything, was getting sick of the consequences. Jail, loss of career, lost of trust from my family, etc. It wasn't one thing, it was a big pile of stuff and when I relapsed, dad threatened to call my PO and I KNEW I would go to prison, I finally said "enough".
I DO live at home (again..consequences, can't afford much of anything on minimum wage) but I felt like a teenager when I moved home..I had to do a LOT to rebuild trust with my family. However, I wanted recovery more than anything, and it showed. I knew, without a doubt, that if I did anything to make my family question whether I was clean or not, I was out the door. No questions asked.
As you have probably seen here, a zillion times, actions speak louder than words. Yes, he probably does feel like **** right now, but he is in a place that can help him with recovery. He's much better off than those who have to detox/withdraw in jail. He's either ready or he's not.
My prayers go out to all of you. I'm not only an RA, but a recovering codie and have been on both sides of the fence and the codie side, to me, has been harder.
I have to say, though, it sounds like you are really doing what you need to do to deal with this, and that's pretty amazing. Some of us take decades (me) to get to where you are today.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I will say that I think that your son coming home might not be a good idea unless you and your husband are both on the same page. We A's can be pretty darned manipulative and sneaky. Also, even if he leaves the town (or state) where he's living, if he doesn't truly want recovery, he will find other users. I've been in recovery for a little over 4 years, and I can spot a crack user (my DOC) anywhere...just recently took a trip to NY and could spot them in any town.
What got me into recovery, more than anything, was getting sick of the consequences. Jail, loss of career, lost of trust from my family, etc. It wasn't one thing, it was a big pile of stuff and when I relapsed, dad threatened to call my PO and I KNEW I would go to prison, I finally said "enough".
I DO live at home (again..consequences, can't afford much of anything on minimum wage) but I felt like a teenager when I moved home..I had to do a LOT to rebuild trust with my family. However, I wanted recovery more than anything, and it showed. I knew, without a doubt, that if I did anything to make my family question whether I was clean or not, I was out the door. No questions asked.
As you have probably seen here, a zillion times, actions speak louder than words. Yes, he probably does feel like **** right now, but he is in a place that can help him with recovery. He's much better off than those who have to detox/withdraw in jail. He's either ready or he's not.
My prayers go out to all of you. I'm not only an RA, but a recovering codie and have been on both sides of the fence and the codie side, to me, has been harder.
I have to say, though, it sounds like you are really doing what you need to do to deal with this, and that's pretty amazing. Some of us take decades (me) to get to where you are today.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
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I do get it. My daughter's DOC was heroin, too. Accepting that I had no control over her and her choices was humbling, beyond words. Watching my husband cry broke my heart. Surrender is painful.
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Originally Posted by outtolunch
I do get it. My daughter's DOC was heroin, too. Accepting that I had no control over her and her choices was humbling, beyond words. Watching my husband cry broke my heart. Surrender is painful.
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