kmangel

The hardest part of all of this is getting my husband and me on the same page. I've concluded many times that experiences in life are as much about my husband and me as it is our sons. I've been through this before with my husband (not necessarily drugs and alcohol, but with other problems). I've gotten outside help but not until many months after a problem arose. We never stuck with the help, though, to really make any difference.

I was talking to a friend this week who said she's noticed women seem to be more willing to express tough love to their children than fathers are. I thought it was because of my husband's relationship with his own father (who was an alcoholic) that influenced my husband's behavior of enabling our sons. My husband didn't have a very good relationship with his father growing up. Neither of my parents had any problems with substance abuse or other addictive behaviors. My husband has said to me in the past that I shoot from the hip when expressing my thoughts about what our sons have done. I think that's how he perceives tough love.

Since I've walked this path before in other areas of my life, not being on the same page with my husband, I decided a counselor for my husband and me was in order. I never wanted to revisit the feelings I had the first time around when our son first started down this road as a teenager. It was not pleasant, but it is something we need to face again. I became depressed years ago and my husband took up smoking again. We made some really bad choices with our own reaction to what our son was doing. It is what it is and time to face whatever the future holds for us--but in a healthy way.

outtolunch

Having experienced unmedicated natural labor, I completely agree. Little did I realize at that time, it was just a warm up

NoGround

My AS was my home birth baby. Never could I have imagined then who he would be now, at 26.

kmangel

Today my son told us about how bad his insomnia is and how the center is not letting him use anything other than melatonin. He was venting, saying he needed to see a doctor, he didn't know how much more of this he could take. I can see how a parent might want to rescue their child, somehow getting him to see a doctor against the center's advice. I listened and then I told him he will get through it, it's a necessary part of the process, and later he'll be encouraging a new rehab resident, saying "If I can do it, so can you!" when the new guy complains about his not being able to sleep.

Being prepared for such exchanges is vital so that my husband and I don't get pulled into his pity party. Coming here has prepared me for what our son might say to us. He's frustrated and that's understandable. My husband feels sorry for him, but I feel this discomfort our son is experiencing is an important part of his recovery. It may give him reason to not go down this road again in the future.

I suggested my son pray that God help him with his insomnia. That's where all of this starts and finishes--letting go and letting God--with both my husband and me and our son.

Freedom1990

Kudos to you for recognizing this. Gosh I had terrible sleep patterns the first year I was clean/sober, and it didn't kill me.

Allowing the addict to feel the discomfort is an important part of the process.

You're doing great! Give yourself credit for some amazing growth on your part!

dorton

My son did the same thing when he went to rehab. There were many times I wished the rehab had not allowed phone calls so I wouldn't have to listen to him. Then I felt guilty for thinking this. We told our son that we would not get him out of rehab early. He finally believed us when he got kicked out of rehab and I told them to take him to a homeless shelter. Still, after a very loud and painful fight, my husband began the 13 hour drive to get him. He turned around and came home after I posted on this site and was able to tell him that everyone said we should leave him. Although rehab didn't stop his addiction it was step towards where he is now. My point is maybe it would help your husband to use this site. I really feel like the people on this site helped save his life, at least for today, because they gave me strength. Prayers are going your way.

kmangel

Thank you so much for your prayers. I can see them being answered.

My son spoke to me today and he sounded much better. He got some sleep last night. I told him perhaps the worst is over as far as the insomnia in concerned. It's hard on him, I'm sure, to let nature run it's course, but that's the best way--to tough it out until his body straightens itself naturally.

I don't fear he'll leave rehab early. He's motivated to complete his 30 day court-mandated stay.

husband

Hello, this is my husbands account with this community. for some reason i cant sign in at this computer with my own user name, everytime i log him out and try to sign on it gives me a message that there is already an account in use. sorry just had to explain why im posting this message. he is here because im the addict in recovery in this relationship! i wanted to make that clear. but i wanted to give you my experience. Im an opiate abuser. i detoxed off of them about a year ago and relapsed about 3 months ago. For over a month i have been in an impatient rehab (about 4 days) then discharged to a part hospitalization program. meaning im in a recovery center for 4 hrs a day, 5 days a week. I detoxed off of opiates inpatient. while there i was introduced to suboxone. there is a whole section of this medication on this forum if you want to further research this medication. When I first detoxed off of opiates i didnt use suboxone. I thought that once i got through the worst part of withdrawal and the drug was out of my system that i would be ok. this was not the case. for the next 9 months my body screamed for opiates. i fought a battle every single day. I couldnt sleep, had terrible anxiety and was very depressed. Im a mother of 3 beautiful kids that are ages 3, 5, and 8. They motivated me to stay clean. But everyday was a struggle. until I couldnt fight any longer, then i relapsed. Knowing full well what i was going to do to my husband, my kids, and my parents. But my brain wasnt working correctly. Im not using this as an excuse for using again, but I had truly damaged my brain abusing opiates. I didnt know this at the time, but my brain was (to put it very simply), broken. people can feel P.A.W.S. (post accute withdrawal symptoms) for several months and even longer. according to the suboxone literature that i received "typically, the changes that cause opioid dependence will not correct themselves right away, even though the misuse of opioids has stopped. In fact, these changes can trigger cravings months and even years after a patient has stopped using opioids. consequently, overcoming opioid dependence in not simply a matter of eliminating drugs from the body." Also "the development of opioid dependence causes COMPLEX, LONG TERM changes in the structure and functioning of the brain." In the literature they have a PET scan of a healthy non dependent brain next to an opioid dependent brain. it shows a reduction of brain function in the opoid dept. brain. my phychiatrist told me that there is actually a lesion in the brain of the opioid user. an actual lesion, that can take years to heal. Please stay with me, I just want you to understand a little bit of the actual damage that opioid abuse does to brain function. and that it takes a long time to repair itself, it can be done, it just takes a long time. So whats my point in all of this? Your son needs to stay on some medication for more then a few days. The doc told me that the newest research for suboxone shows the best relapse prevention is to have the patient on suboxone for withdrawal and for long term maintanence. alot of docs didnt know the amount of time to have the patient on the medication for...3 months, 9 months etc. But according to the newest research, suboxone should be used for at least 1-2 yrs. It gives the brain a chance to heal and that takes time. sure there is some controversy about even using this drug because it is an addicting drug. but the doctors that prescribe this medication have to be educated in it and they have a pretty rigorous treatment plan. Plus this is to be used with a 12 step program, just the drug itself will not prevent relapse. For me, Im more worried about the day to day struggle with the cravings and withdrawal then two yrs down the line when I work closely with a doc to help me taper off of it. It has been like a miracle for me, letting me focus on my recovery and NOT on the cravings and withdrawals. this is the first time in a very long time that i actually feel normal. im working on my core issues and im actually sleeping at night and not waking in a PANIC. this is huge for me. there have been some posts on here that say we deserve some of the pain of withdrawal for the pain that we cause others...i can understand that. For myself, I am my BIGGEST punisher. Nobody can say anything to me that I havent already told or have felt about myself. The sheer humiliation and embarrassment and guilt I feel everyday is punishment enough. I realize exactly what i have done to my family, and its the worst thing I think I could ever do. I NEVER thought I would be that person. But I was, because of the opioid abuse. I caused lots of damage, lots. So that being said I think we should focus on getting better, and getting better for the long run. Id hate to see your son get out of his court ordered treatment an then relapse. I wish I would have had some advice about this medication the first time around, I think it would have helped tremendously. So thanks for taking the time to read this LONG story...I hope I at least gave you something to think about.

kmangel

Thanks Husband's wife for your experience. He has been on suboxone for a few months prior to his rehab and a week ago he took his last dose. I am praying that he will recover fully in whatever way God sets before him--whatever path lies before him.

I will pray for you and your husband, too, that you will recover fully and that your marriage will grow healthier and stronger.