BeingStill

I'm grateful to have found this site. I'm hoping those with more experience can help me decipher if the following is something that's okay for me to ask, or if it falls into the category of trying to control/manage my RAS's life:

I allowed my 20-something RAS back into my home after rehab. He had been out of my home for a couple years prior to making this change in his life. So far so good. I'm working my own program and have regular f2f meetings. I'm also working hard to address my codependency issues, knowing that "helping" my son keeps him crippled.

He just started a new job after several months of IOP. He has court costs to be paid-in-full once his probation ends, in about a year.

Here's my question... Now that he's regularly employed, is it okay to ask my RAS to give me payments toward that final probation bill (to be held in the bank) so I know he is planning for that chunk of money?

My rationale (or concern) is that I don't want to "enable" him by letting him live in the house rent-free (so he can save his money for all the court fees) without having some sort of "proof" that his money is being budgeted for such.

My intent is not to manage his money, but rather to make sure I'm not enabling him. If a year passes and he didn't save the money, then I "get" that he will suffer the consequences. I just don't want a year to pass and then realize that I'd been enabling him to live comfortably in my home for 12 months while he spent all his money on who knows what. I don't want to do anything that gives him a free ride.

I guess I sort of see the "payment plan" as a substitute for rent. Like a security deposit or insurance policy against my enabling him to live home for free.

I would truly appreciate it if you could share your experiences or wisdom in this area. Moving from active addiction into recovery is such a tricky journey, and that whole helping vs. enabling thing gets blurry.

Thank you!

lyssabee

Wow there are a lot of boundary posts today!

Being Still, if I were you I would charge him rent. If you were so inclined you could put that rent into a savings account, and when the time came for him to pay his court costs back you could gift him that money. IF you felt comfortable doing so at that time. But I would not tell him that's why you wanted the money now.

I guess I should have given a reason If you tell him why you want the money, you will feel obligated to give it to him - suppose his actions haven't shown you that he's willing to change? If things go badly in 6 months at least you won't feel totally taken advantage of, but if things go well, then you can help out your son (again if you are so inclined.) Also why not let him try to be responsible for himself - people have to pay rent. That's what being an adult is.

Freedom1990

I was 29 years old when I got out of rehab. I was the single mother of an 8-year-old. It was up to me to find a job, a place to live (my counselor had taken me short-term), and pay my bills.

I landed a job the first week (no car, mind you), and had my own rental house a month later. I am grateful I had to be responsible and take care of myself and my daughter.

In my opinion, a recovering addict needs the dignity of carrying his/her own weight, and that includes living arrangements.

I never ever went back home to my parents, and never will.

I need to be an adult. I need to be responsible like any other adult in society.

Just my two cents.

Welcome to SR!