another boundary question:
 

I have been thinking about my boundaries alot lately and trying to come up with mine. It is really pretty easy as I know what I want and dont want out of a partner.

I have one that I am stuck on. Is the following a boundary or me trying to create controlling rule:
I wont have a partner who associates with drug users or people who sell drugs.
I know it is good for both me and him but is that really the point?

Yes, that is a good boundary. Boundaries are all about YOU. What is best for YOU. What doesn't matter is whether or not it is best for him. Setting boundaries is something we do for our own well-being while not setting rules for anyone else. He can associate with anyone he chooses, but then, so can you.

Yes, just fine.

As Suki said bounderies are for you. However, remember that bounderies mean nothing if you do not stick to them. If you do not, they become idle threats and will do more damage than good.

that is excatly where I am. I have made idle threats for years. Never Ever followed thru with my boundary setting. I want things to be different and of course he thinks Im just blowing wind. I havent excatly figured out how to get there.
I think being the type of person I am (idle threats) is very toxic. I really believe had I been more firm from the get go... the outcome may have been much much different. Wish I knew then what I know now. No doubt had I been different / stronger I wouldnt have had to spend so many years in pain and who knows maybe he wouldnt be in such a mess now.
Can you change it this late in the game? I really dont want to leave my husband is there good outcomes that wouldnt require me doing something that I dont want to. I know the outcome to stepping over my boundary should be I leave.. but thats not what I want and I would be doing it to 'show" him. So can you give me some thoughts on consequences?

Well, it doesn't sound like you have had enough yet. You have to really know, deep down in your heart, that you are ready to back up your boundaries or they are useless. It makes them idle threats because you really only want to change him, not do what is best for yourself, regardless of what he chooses to do. At this point, it sounds like you want him to change so you will be happy instead of doing for yourself what is best for you.

Once you are truly done with trying to change him, or make him "see the light" or in any way get him to do what you want, will you be at a point where you will save yourself and be determined to do what is necessary for your own serenity.

I know this sounds crazy. But I dont want to get to the point where my only option is leaving. My AH is currently not using. Its just all the old crap and my distrust issues that are affecting me. I have this picture of what his soberity should look like and when his path doesnt match my picture the craziness begins. For years he put me through hell and now I am the one destroying the marriage. I cant get over it. I want too, but just when I think I have gotten control of myself the anxiety and fear of what "might" be happening creeps up again. And we are off. I truely believe he feels remorse and sadness for what has happened. But I am so ANGRY and so WORRIED that I am destroying us. Isnt it funny how now that he is doing what I always wanted him to do I am worse than ever. And I know it confuses and angers him and tests his will. Its like I am pushing him to use again just beacuse I think he will. Has it ended up that I am the one that isnt good for him? Will I be his reason for relapse? Holy moly I have lost it.

We too, have to hit our bottom in order to start saving ouselves. No matter what we do or say, we cannot change them, we only have the power to save ourselves.

As for relapsing, you are not powerful enough to cause him to do that. That is solely up to him. Trust is very difficult to rebuild, maybe therapy would help you.

When you really are ready to change you, change your life, you will know it. Nothing comes before its time.

If you want to stay where you are, do so. In the meantime read up on codependency and bounderies, might help you.

Welcome to life with an addict. We never know if they'll return to using. Quit thinking that YOU will cause him to relapse. If he uses, it's because he wants to use. No one makes another person use.

The fact is, some marriages do not survive when the addict goes into recovery. Sometimes too much damage has already been done. It is possible that you are making things harder than they have to be, at least for yourself.

Are you attending nar-anon meetings? I highly suggest you do so. They can help you learn how to detach from what he does or doesn't do. I hope you'll look into it.

Angie,

I think that is a good boundary IF you are prepared to leave if your partner associates with drug users or dealers. If you are not, you may want to create a different boundary which you are ready and willing to follow through with. I agree with the others that Nar-Anon would be a good option. :)

Absolutely nothing you can say or do can keep him sober or cause a relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are. It's an ego thing common in codependency.