empathetic script
 

Hello, all--am creating a new thread using the following post I made in someone else's thread:

My AS is in another city (as of two days ago) and life is going his way right now. I anticipate that it won't always be going his way and that he will call me when his poor decisions catch up with him.

The book Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children says to develop a plan, including a list of "what happens if . . ." scripts--samples of what you want to say and how you want to say it.

I could use some examples of such scripts--preferably, just one sentence--to express empathy FIRST, before getting to the fact that I will not give him money.

Thanks for any ideas.

I love you and hope you seek recovery, but I will not give you any money.

The thing is, it really doesn't matter what you say. They do not understand empathy if you don't give them what they want.

"I Love YOU! This is your problem to fix."

However, once he hears the 'NO', the rest will be lost on him.

No scripts needed, just repeat the same thing each time he calls, asking for whatever.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Suki,

Thanks--I agree that "I love you" is always good. I also think you're right that, chances are, all he'll hear is, "I won't give you any money."

I'm coming from a different place with my question, though. What he hears is not something I can control, but what I say and the intention behind it *is* something I can control.

My intention is to express that I wish he weren't suffering. Maybe I should just say that.

Laurie,

Great suggestion--"This is your problem to fix" is my second sentence.

My tentative script: What a difficult situation; I wish you weren't suffering (or maybe "struggling"). This is your problem to fix.

(and somewhere before the end of the conversation): I love you.

No is a complete sentance.

Anything more opens the door to negoitations.

addendum: This is your problem to fix, and I'm sure you can come up with a good solution. (ending on an encouraging note)

OK, and I'm clear that this is WAY too long a script. But I can use these individual sentences as appropriate.

cynical one,

"I believe in you"--I like that very much. Thank you.

I used that with my son a little over a week ago almost verbatim. It left me feeling ok with the conversation even though he threw out some real doozies to try to trip me up.

He called me yesterday to let me know that he has a place to stay for a couple of weeks and gave me HIS plan for what he is doing to try to get his life back on track. I gave him encouraging words like "that's great son" and "I'm happy to hear that" and ended with "I love you". It was a good conversation. One that left me feeling ok even though I know he is struggling (he's homeless).

gentle hugs from another Mom
ke

KE,

I'm adding your encouraging words to my list. Another phrase I just thought of: "Good work on that" (if that statement is in any sense true).

You are further along the path I am walking--where "further along" does not mean something positive. My son does still have a roof over his head for now.

I am happy for you that your son calls and wants to share his plans with you. I can imagine that after every conversation, you want to think, "If he dies and this is the last time I ever talk to him, I will know my last words to him were of love and support"--no matter what his words to you were. This is the thought I always have.

I appreciate so much that I can express fears like that here and know that others understand.

I pondered a bit on this thread, looking at it from the perspective of being a long-term recovering addict/alkie myself, and also as the mother of an AD active in addiction.

It took every bit of suffering, every miserable bit of my addict existence, every shred of pain I experienced for me to finally hit a bottom and seek help.

I tell my 33-year-old AD I love her and that's it. She knows better than to ask for money these days, and it's been that way for years.

I'm also careful for what I pray for. Maybe it's God's plan my AD continues her miserable existence for the time being.

So I don't ask God for specifics other than to watch over her.

I no longer tell her I'm sorry she's suffering. That may be her saving grace in the end like it was for me. I don't know.

She's been around the rooms of recovery since 1986. She knows what recovery is and where to find it.

Back when my AD would ask for money, a firm "no" sufficed. She never stayed on the phone after the denial of help.

Sending you gentle hugs from beastly hot Kansas! :hug:

noground - what excellent suggestions from everyone - my opinion is you are on the right track whichever words you actually choose the sentiment should be as you have stated - i love you - i wish you weren't struggling(suffering) - i know you can find your way when you choose to - boiled down to three words - faith, hope and love (and the greatest of these is love 1 Corinthians 13 - last verse)

freedom - it is always good to hear from those who have walked in those shoes - you are right that prayers for protection or comfort may actually be inhibitors to recovery - God knows what each of us needs - our job is to let go of our ways and trust His

"I love you very much. Things must be very difficult for you now. I won't give you money because I have faith that you will find a solution to these problems on your own."

Freedom,

There is so much life experience in your response--thank you.

I can't begin to wrap my mind around what it must've taken for you to pull yourself up out of the muck, get clean, go to school, and make a new life for yourself.

Was there one particular thing that made you say "enough"?

Also, OT here, I love the photos of your dogs. I want dogs really badly, but it's not the right time in my life. I made liver brownies last week for some dogs who live down the street.

litehorse - Yes, faith, hope, and love is what it boils down to. I hadn't seen that til you pointed it out.

tjp - Three good sentences, yes. What I really like, though--and hope AS will someday get--is your Marsha Linehan quote about having to stop making your life worse before you can make it better. AS can't hear that from me, though.

My epiphany was a culmination of many things, not the least of which was my EXAH going to rehab, and there was nothing left between me and me. I no longer had him to focus on.

No one was left to pick me up. The pain was so great that I finally cried out to God that I didn't want to go on living that way anymore.

I was carrying 109 pounds on a 6' frame, was pregnant, and had blown out all the veins in my arms from chronic IV drug use.

It's nothing short of a miracle that I am here today, clean and sober.

PS. My zoo crew is my second set of kids! I love them dearly! :)

I used to tell my son "I'm sorry, I have no money". That gave him an answer that wasn't about "him", it was about me not having any money and was not negotiable. I didn't have to be "sorry", which left the guilt button to try, it just stated the facts about me.

Whether I had money or not, I most definitely didn't have any for him and his drug use. The rest, the "I love you" and "I know you will do your best" was always there, with or without the request for money.

He soon stopped asking for money, which was good. What was better was that he stopped the long drawn out lies that often went with the request for money. It didn't matter because "I have no money" made it pretty clear that the stories were no longer working.

Hugs from another mama

Ann,

I got that--having no money, with the unspoken FOR HIM.

"I know you will do your best," is so good. I would like at all times to act from the belief that everybody, not just my AS, is doing the best they can manage at that moment--although that belief is difficult to sustain sometimes.