frightened
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 45
frightened
I left my AH 9 months ago, this is the last time. Ive had a permanent injunction since November 17. Sometime between September and November he was diagnosed with manic bipolar and refuses to take meds. Even his mom doesnt take his calls half the time because of his supremely high energy, always selfish and wanting something followed by anger when you say no.
He has only supervised visits through his mom or sister with our 6 yr old son.
After a several months of living on street he checked into a sober living facility, not treatment but a structure and a plan as well as a sponsor and AA meetings. He's now allegedly been sober 100 days (the general breaking point.)
Court order still in effect, he ignored order for drug eval, went to court on violation, was reordered since one was scheduled, and I just got court notice, he faled to appear so another hearing on civil contempt is set for late September. We have a child support hearing this Friday in which I plan on having a deputy escort.
Over all hes pretty much left me alone, few third party contacts through his mom, that with therapist help I immediately recognized as manipulation(asking I drop court cases, is there chance for us, ect)
His old patterns of getting us back seem to be accelerating, patterns exact but not working. He's trying to worm his way back through promises to my so he raised. He also told his mom he has 1 main goal and he WILL win his family back. (my cell had 2 missed calls from his sober house last week, but no messages(as he wouldnt ever leave one, so I cannot prove it was him. He'd made plans with my middle son and our son for yesterday, as I expected he canceled, Ok so MIL texted to have middle son call AH, of course he was canceling, he only spoke with him cause Id told her if he didnt I was cutting him off... My oldest son has a bible presentation Wednesday at our meeting (a place listed as no go on restraining order) When... middle son said Dar was practicing, AH told son to ask me if he could come!!!! What nerve. Garrett stalled and he said go ask her now, he finally said shes not home. He acted like end of world I left 10 and 13 yr old home...lol, whatever. And said well call me later. Oldest son, doesnt want AH there, and HELLO, its a violation of court order, pretty sure just having kid ask me is violation.
Middle son wont call him and tell him no, fear of hurting his feelings.
Just by a few things that are being said to me its clear, at this point, when he usually relapses hes obsessing over getting us back. My therapist agreed and said even at hearing refuse to speak to him, everything he says is meant to manipulate and exploit, he wants his cushy old life back.
Noones ever told this man no and kept it, believe me when I tried in past outcome was not pretty. The more he sees hes lost us the more he will obsess, become agitated and dwell.
Everyone, besides my therapist and domestic violence group think Im paranoid for nothing. But facts are we have an untreated manic with history of violence and always getting his way out there, ignoring court orders a little at a time, knowing his patterns and what Ive read on subject this could very likey create a extremely dangerous situation.
I am anxious just about the state child support case and know he will try to talk to me (Yes I will file affidavit of violation)-which will only further esculate his obsession at winning us back, problem is, to him, winning is force and charm and manipulation.
I just want to run away
He has only supervised visits through his mom or sister with our 6 yr old son.
After a several months of living on street he checked into a sober living facility, not treatment but a structure and a plan as well as a sponsor and AA meetings. He's now allegedly been sober 100 days (the general breaking point.)
Court order still in effect, he ignored order for drug eval, went to court on violation, was reordered since one was scheduled, and I just got court notice, he faled to appear so another hearing on civil contempt is set for late September. We have a child support hearing this Friday in which I plan on having a deputy escort.
Over all hes pretty much left me alone, few third party contacts through his mom, that with therapist help I immediately recognized as manipulation(asking I drop court cases, is there chance for us, ect)
His old patterns of getting us back seem to be accelerating, patterns exact but not working. He's trying to worm his way back through promises to my so he raised. He also told his mom he has 1 main goal and he WILL win his family back. (my cell had 2 missed calls from his sober house last week, but no messages(as he wouldnt ever leave one, so I cannot prove it was him. He'd made plans with my middle son and our son for yesterday, as I expected he canceled, Ok so MIL texted to have middle son call AH, of course he was canceling, he only spoke with him cause Id told her if he didnt I was cutting him off... My oldest son has a bible presentation Wednesday at our meeting (a place listed as no go on restraining order) When... middle son said Dar was practicing, AH told son to ask me if he could come!!!! What nerve. Garrett stalled and he said go ask her now, he finally said shes not home. He acted like end of world I left 10 and 13 yr old home...lol, whatever. And said well call me later. Oldest son, doesnt want AH there, and HELLO, its a violation of court order, pretty sure just having kid ask me is violation.
Middle son wont call him and tell him no, fear of hurting his feelings.
Just by a few things that are being said to me its clear, at this point, when he usually relapses hes obsessing over getting us back. My therapist agreed and said even at hearing refuse to speak to him, everything he says is meant to manipulate and exploit, he wants his cushy old life back.
Noones ever told this man no and kept it, believe me when I tried in past outcome was not pretty. The more he sees hes lost us the more he will obsess, become agitated and dwell.
Everyone, besides my therapist and domestic violence group think Im paranoid for nothing. But facts are we have an untreated manic with history of violence and always getting his way out there, ignoring court orders a little at a time, knowing his patterns and what Ive read on subject this could very likey create a extremely dangerous situation.
I am anxious just about the state child support case and know he will try to talk to me (Yes I will file affidavit of violation)-which will only further esculate his obsession at winning us back, problem is, to him, winning is force and charm and manipulation.
I just want to run away
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Yes, I would be fearful too. I am familiar with your story and I surely do undertand where you are coming from. This has been going on for a long time, and it will wear you down.
I think that you are doing all that you can, my Dad always told me:
"Be like a fighter in a ring, fight fair, but protect yourself at all times"
Eventually, this will all be over, I just don't know when eventually is.
I think that you are doing all that you can, my Dad always told me:
"Be like a fighter in a ring, fight fair, but protect yourself at all times"
Eventually, this will all be over, I just don't know when eventually is.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I understand your fear. My EXAH was possessive, jealous, and toss in violent with the mix.
I gambled that moving over two hours away from him would pay off as he was strung out, plus he had cheated on me several times, and I hoped he would find another woman to latch onto.
My gamble paid off. Fortunately I did not have children with him.
Welcome to SR, and know that you are among friends!
I gambled that moving over two hours away from him would pay off as he was strung out, plus he had cheated on me several times, and I hoped he would find another woman to latch onto.
My gamble paid off. Fortunately I did not have children with him.
Welcome to SR, and know that you are among friends!
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I totally understand your fear.
Maybe check with your local DV center to see if they have any suggestions.
As to Wednesday night, well ................................ hate to say this, but if it were me and knowing his past actions, I would call a few Security Companies to find out how much to hire an armed Security Guard for a few hours and then hire one.
Ridiculous? Maybe, but I can feel your fear in your post, and sad to say your fear is justified.
I don't know which county you live in, in Florida but I do know of several of the counties where the Sheriff's Deputies are extremely helpful in 'Baker Acting' someone who is manic.
Sending some good thoughts and prayers your way.
Love and hugs,
Maybe check with your local DV center to see if they have any suggestions.
As to Wednesday night, well ................................ hate to say this, but if it were me and knowing his past actions, I would call a few Security Companies to find out how much to hire an armed Security Guard for a few hours and then hire one.
Ridiculous? Maybe, but I can feel your fear in your post, and sad to say your fear is justified.
I don't know which county you live in, in Florida but I do know of several of the counties where the Sheriff's Deputies are extremely helpful in 'Baker Acting' someone who is manic.
Sending some good thoughts and prayers your way.
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 45
Thanks Laurie. we've tried repeatedly baker acting, never did any good, out within 36 hours. Master manipulator and tossed the meds. He stays in a heightened state and they dont see him as a threat to himself. Im sure hes avoiding the eval because he wants the bipolar out of court record and he doesnt want court order to take meds which has been recommended by ACT.
Hence the reason I have permanent injunction. I go to DV support group regularly and they just said stay prepared , phone in hand always ready to call police. Have Wednesday evening emergency plan to get out other door as he walks in and go to local PD to file report. I doubt he'll come Wednesday, just testing limits and boundaries as what Im sticking to with order. (and court Friday, Ill just keep escort around.)
Hopefully Im just paranoid that this is all the beginning of attempting to force way back for nothing, and fears will never be founded, but have a gut feeling things are going to get crazy over the next month or two.
Hence the reason I have permanent injunction. I go to DV support group regularly and they just said stay prepared , phone in hand always ready to call police. Have Wednesday evening emergency plan to get out other door as he walks in and go to local PD to file report. I doubt he'll come Wednesday, just testing limits and boundaries as what Im sticking to with order. (and court Friday, Ill just keep escort around.)
Hopefully Im just paranoid that this is all the beginning of attempting to force way back for nothing, and fears will never be founded, but have a gut feeling things are going to get crazy over the next month or two.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Butterfly,
I, too, hear the fear in your post and I definitely understand it. My husband is bipolar and although he takes his medication it doesn't do enough. He has been extremely violent towards me twice and I know how absolutely terrified that made me.
I hate that feeling of fear and I am sorry that you are having to go through it. You sound like you have a good support system in place and you just have to keep your eyes open and be prepared at all times. That is really tiring but it's the only way to stay safe.
I'll be saying prayers to surround you with the protective love and light of HP....
Donna
I, too, hear the fear in your post and I definitely understand it. My husband is bipolar and although he takes his medication it doesn't do enough. He has been extremely violent towards me twice and I know how absolutely terrified that made me.
I hate that feeling of fear and I am sorry that you are having to go through it. You sound like you have a good support system in place and you just have to keep your eyes open and be prepared at all times. That is really tiring but it's the only way to stay safe.
I'll be saying prayers to surround you with the protective love and light of HP....
Donna
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
My son lost the right to visit his son when his visits became inconsistent or no-shows. It was emotionally crushing for his son and the boy's wise mother finally said "no more".
I think that in your situation, where this is taking a heavy toll on your children, that I would see a lawyer or child services about getting an order that would seriously restrict his visitations. If the visitations are not helpful to your children, they should not be happening. Because he is their father does not give him the right to emotional abuse.
Sending hugs and keeping you in my prayers because this just cannot be a picnic for you.
Hugs
I think that in your situation, where this is taking a heavy toll on your children, that I would see a lawyer or child services about getting an order that would seriously restrict his visitations. If the visitations are not helpful to your children, they should not be happening. Because he is their father does not give him the right to emotional abuse.
Sending hugs and keeping you in my prayers because this just cannot be a picnic for you.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 45
Just wanted to update. He didnt bother us. Then for court I found he'd had 2 recent arrests for obstruction of law enforcement and trespassing so received Judge permission to attend hearing by phone. They never called for my testimony. He didnt show to the child support hearing. He should be getting a copy of the judgment and contempt notice any day now. Not that I expect to see any money but state ordered more than double of what I ever asked for.
Almost 10 months of no contact and I find pain and feelings still real, very different but real.
He talked to his son today., 3 minutes on phone maybe? Never asked what he does in camp or did today, just kept saying I love you and miss you. It made me angry and sick to my stomach. How can you love someone you refuse to care for?
I am still frightened about what that unknown day may bring, but prepared. For now learning about me, and only thing left to file my papers to end the legalities with nothing left to fight is a certified copy of that support judgment.
I can get it next week, all the rest is signed and organized, ready
Almost 10 months of no contact and I find pain and feelings still real, very different but real.
He talked to his son today., 3 minutes on phone maybe? Never asked what he does in camp or did today, just kept saying I love you and miss you. It made me angry and sick to my stomach. How can you love someone you refuse to care for?
I am still frightened about what that unknown day may bring, but prepared. For now learning about me, and only thing left to file my papers to end the legalities with nothing left to fight is a certified copy of that support judgment.
I can get it next week, all the rest is signed and organized, ready
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Butterfly,
I am so glad for your update. And to hear that things have proceeded. I think that as time goes by you will probably feel better but you are right to remain alert.
I'm learning that the best way to deal with someone like this is to block contact and just stay away as much as possible. I know that having children with him complicates it but you are doing such a great job.
I know that there are many of our members that are still living in abusive and difficult situations. Hearing your thoughts and seeing your actions is going to help someone else be brave and strong.
Hang in there and PLEASE....keep posting updates. I want to hear how you are doing.
I am so glad for your update. And to hear that things have proceeded. I think that as time goes by you will probably feel better but you are right to remain alert.
I'm learning that the best way to deal with someone like this is to block contact and just stay away as much as possible. I know that having children with him complicates it but you are doing such a great job.
I know that there are many of our members that are still living in abusive and difficult situations. Hearing your thoughts and seeing your actions is going to help someone else be brave and strong.
Hang in there and PLEASE....keep posting updates. I want to hear how you are doing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 45
Thanks lightseeker. It was the hardest thing to end it, even now months later, I sometimes think it would be easier to just give in and be together, but the longer Im away, the more Im not willing to sacrifice that. My children and myself are far more valuable.
Id rather be alone the rest of my life than ever go through any of that again, or even the manipulation I see him pull with his parents.
Scarey part for all of you out there going through any of this, is until your away you never realize how bad the abuse is or how damaging...
Id rather be alone the rest of my life than ever go through any of that again, or even the manipulation I see him pull with his parents.
Scarey part for all of you out there going through any of this, is until your away you never realize how bad the abuse is or how damaging...
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Butterfly,
In the past, I always thought that you were stuck in the middle of a tunnel, not knowing whether to turn back or move forward.
I am glad that you are finally moving forward, if not for you, for your children.
You are a good mom, and deserve the best that life has to offer.
In the past, I always thought that you were stuck in the middle of a tunnel, not knowing whether to turn back or move forward.
I am glad that you are finally moving forward, if not for you, for your children.
You are a good mom, and deserve the best that life has to offer.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Butterfly,
Boy, it sounds like we are we in the same place. The only thing that has kept me from slipping back into old patterns are the promises that I made to my children. Those are what have kept me from going back until I get the clarity that I need to see it all for myself. The more time goes on the more clearly I am seeing it though. Like you, I'm not willing to sacrifice me or my kids any longer. Even if it means living alone for the rest of my life.
You are spot on about not realizing how bad the abuse is or how damaging it is until you are out. I read back through my old journals and cannot believe that I stayed through all of that. My thinking was so cloudy and so misguided. I am just grateful that I finally called the Domestic Violence Center and was able to hear the counselor loud and clear. I'm glad that I acted before I could chicken out. I thought that it was an addiction issue but it actually was that and an abuse issue. Anytime someone berates you or manipulates your reality it is abuse. Pure and simple.
I'm surprised now at how long I stayed and why I stayed. I wish that I had left the situation before I got caught up in it. I thought that my feelings were something that I could control. That I would leave before anyone ever treated me unkindly. But I stayed because I wanted things to work out so badly. I got caught up in what was and wasn't recovery. The only way to avoid that abyss is to not get in it in the first place. It really is like getting caught up in an eddy, hydralic or an undertoe. You are in grave danger way before you realize that it could cost you your life. It is one really sick dynamic and none of us is really immune to it happening. I always thought that I was too smart and too self confident to get myself into that sort of situation. But....boy I was so terribly wrong.
I felt like I was going under for the last time so I feel fortunate that I was able to get away. I wasn't expecting the cascade of conflicting feelings though and underestimated the length of time that my healing and thinking were going to take to begin to recover.
At my counselors last week I said that I had never understood addiction like I do now until all of this occurred with leaving my husband. If this is anything close to what an addict goes through when they decide to get sober I now see why it is so hard and why it is so easy to relapse. I see now why they need to stay away from bars and reminders of their drug. I see how easy it is to think that "using" is easier than the pain of not using. How you think that maybe there is some way that you can control it....
All of it is an illusion though...and until my own brain heals from the experience and the patterns I know to get to meetings, rely on my program, and trust those that have gone before me. I see people that have what I want and I'm doing what they say to do. I'm gritting my teeth through the painful times and know that they will pass in time. It is a lot better but it still is hard.
Sending you lots of support, love, and hugs, Donna
Boy, it sounds like we are we in the same place. The only thing that has kept me from slipping back into old patterns are the promises that I made to my children. Those are what have kept me from going back until I get the clarity that I need to see it all for myself. The more time goes on the more clearly I am seeing it though. Like you, I'm not willing to sacrifice me or my kids any longer. Even if it means living alone for the rest of my life.
You are spot on about not realizing how bad the abuse is or how damaging it is until you are out. I read back through my old journals and cannot believe that I stayed through all of that. My thinking was so cloudy and so misguided. I am just grateful that I finally called the Domestic Violence Center and was able to hear the counselor loud and clear. I'm glad that I acted before I could chicken out. I thought that it was an addiction issue but it actually was that and an abuse issue. Anytime someone berates you or manipulates your reality it is abuse. Pure and simple.
I'm surprised now at how long I stayed and why I stayed. I wish that I had left the situation before I got caught up in it. I thought that my feelings were something that I could control. That I would leave before anyone ever treated me unkindly. But I stayed because I wanted things to work out so badly. I got caught up in what was and wasn't recovery. The only way to avoid that abyss is to not get in it in the first place. It really is like getting caught up in an eddy, hydralic or an undertoe. You are in grave danger way before you realize that it could cost you your life. It is one really sick dynamic and none of us is really immune to it happening. I always thought that I was too smart and too self confident to get myself into that sort of situation. But....boy I was so terribly wrong.
I felt like I was going under for the last time so I feel fortunate that I was able to get away. I wasn't expecting the cascade of conflicting feelings though and underestimated the length of time that my healing and thinking were going to take to begin to recover.
At my counselors last week I said that I had never understood addiction like I do now until all of this occurred with leaving my husband. If this is anything close to what an addict goes through when they decide to get sober I now see why it is so hard and why it is so easy to relapse. I see now why they need to stay away from bars and reminders of their drug. I see how easy it is to think that "using" is easier than the pain of not using. How you think that maybe there is some way that you can control it....
All of it is an illusion though...and until my own brain heals from the experience and the patterns I know to get to meetings, rely on my program, and trust those that have gone before me. I see people that have what I want and I'm doing what they say to do. I'm gritting my teeth through the painful times and know that they will pass in time. It is a lot better but it still is hard.
Sending you lots of support, love, and hugs, Donna
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