Hard to understand

Old 06-17-2011, 09:59 AM
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Hard to understand

My fiance (was) and I had been together for 7 years. We have two children together, which are his. I didn't find out until about 6 months ago that he was using rx. pills, xanax and percs. I had heard as we live in a small town and I would question him but always was denied. He got introuble for stealing and when all of that happend he came out with his pill addiction.
I was raised in an abusive home, my father being the abuser. At the age of 14 I finally told my mom I couldn't take it any more it was either me or him. She did get divorced and since 14 I've not had any contact with my father and he lives 10 miles away. Not having to live in that environment and being so young and not understand what was going on as a child this was all hard to handle with my then fiance.
He decided to try on his own with failure. After many threats by myself of leaving, I've came to my breaking point. The fighting, the harsh words, the seperation from him to our children, and the "poem" I read on this site called "I am an addict." Made me realize, I can do nothing but protect my children.
Here comes the hard part, I put so much trust and effort into our relationship that he owns his own company and I work for him in the office. We've never split our bills and I've never had a "paycheck" every week, I wasn't that selfish. Other than helping him with his business I am a full time student, which will be no longer in about 2 weeks because I am failing two classes and will have to pay for them in full before I can continue with everything going on in the household, I couldn't focus on school, it was last on my mind.
He is upset with me because I've made it clear that he will not get to see his children unless supervised my his mother (we have a good relationship) and that it needs to be set days. He wants me to work in the office and I said I would think about it because it is a steady paycheck right now, I don't have to go a period of time without a job. Our house is rented but it is not a home I could do upkeep on being a single mother.
I am so mad at him.. but more so at myself. I've always been independant and strong willed, I know these are still good things to have with what I am dealing with, but I never imagined putting myself in a situation where I have no income (outside him), no home, and walking away from it all. He promises he is getting help and knows I'm serious this time, but I can't take his word, as much as I want to. I love him, but I love my children more and I can't do to them what I asked my mom to walk away from.
I guess I just want to hear success stories from people that put themselves where I am.. My family doesn't know about this. My stepfather is a corrections officers and my mother is a nurse supervisor in corrections, they have no tolerance for this stuff and bottom line, he is my childrens father, I want to see him succeed, and I don't want them to hate him for one day I hope that he can be a good father to them. So I really have no where else to turn but here. He says he feels all alone and he is the one that still has his business (that I've kept afloat) and his house (that I've kept clean and tucked the kids into bed every night). He has no clue inside how hurt I am, I've only shown being strong willed and anger. I feel crying and expressing my worry to him only shows him weakness, and I can't let him see that I am weak bc I know I'll be taking advantage of.
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Old 06-17-2011, 11:00 AM
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Originally Posted by StrongForMyKids View Post
I guess I just want to hear success stories from people that put themselves where I am.
I haven't read one yet on this site, or anywhere else for that matter. The only success story I know of is my aunt and uncle (recovered alcoholic). They're both in their mid to late 70's and I can't remember now how long he's been sober. About 30 years, I think? Anyway, he always left when he went on a bender and came home when he was done for the time being. She raised their kids with a very strong support system (family and church), but she's the one that financially supported them. She worked the entire time and up until a few years ago.

Please consider getting face to face support in Alanon or Naranon. Work the recovery program you wish he would.
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Old 06-17-2011, 01:57 PM
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strong, i can feel the hurt & pain you are having. i am so sorry u r going thru all of this.
welcome to S.R. i am glad u r here.
addicts have to find their on way in their own time. there are miracles everyday in recovery. my husband is a miracle. he was a herion addict since he was 14yrs. old. today he is clean & sober for 20yrs. the addict has to hurt so bad & get so low that they do not want to hurt or lose any more. my son is also an addict & also my grandson.
living in addiction is not fun or pretty. learn to take care of your self & your kids. it may take yrs for your husband to get clean & this may be his bottom with u leaving him. prayers for you & your family.
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Old 06-18-2011, 04:42 AM
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Welcome Strong....

Last week I was talking to a woman that used to head up the Domestic Violence Center in my city. She said that many times what finally gives a woman the courage to leave is her children and the promises she makes to them to keep them safe, healthy, and happy. We all find resources that strengthen us and doing it for your kids is a great resource.

Maybe you are hoping that you can preserve something for your kids that you did not have. But......it sounds like that is not going to work out with your husband at this time. Someday, if and when he is clean and sober it is his relationship to repair with his kids. You can't hang through the "bad" and think that it's for the right reasons. Protecting kids from turmoil/addiction/etc. is key. As you know, growing up in an dysfunctional family only creates problems later in life. I think it is better to expose children to no father than an addicted father. You can remain open to their having a relationship with him when he has demonstrated that he is sober (say for at least a year?).

I recently moved out of my home with my husband and I found that letting people know what I was dealing with was key. It kept me accountable. I felt a whole lot of shame in admitting what I had put my kids and myself through. The only thing that could make it worse though would have been to continue to stay. Your stepfather and mother would understand what you've dealing with if you told them. I'm sure that they love you and want what is best for you. Telling them what is going on would shed light on a nasty secret but that might be exactly what you need to get on the right track.

I know that I could not have done it alone. It is humbling to tell on yourself and ask for help - but it's worth it.

Sending you warm thoughts....
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Old 06-18-2011, 07:12 AM
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[QUOTE=cynical one;3004048]

Some suggestions: Cut your liabilities and secure your assets. Open your own bank accounts in your name only at a different institution than you use now. If you have any joint accounts (including the business), joint credit cards, joint loans, etc. close them down or see what it takes to get your name off of them. Any assets like your car…make sure you are the sole owner.

YES YES!YES!YES!
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Old 06-18-2011, 02:18 PM
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My kids have supervised visits with their dad at my inlaws every other weekend. I preferred them seeing him in a familiar and comfortable setting over a court appointed situation. It is not without some issues...but I doubt any supervised situation is without issues. It stinks any way you look at it. I want my kids comfortable, period, so that is what I decided, and the inlaws were willing. For now, this is where we are.

You sound like you are making some good decisions. It is so hard, but necessary. Take care.
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