Boundaries
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: alabama
Posts: 68
Boundaries
I was just wondering if anyone could give me a few examples of your boundries and the consequences if they are broken..
Can you actually have boundaries while living with an active addict? I mean obviously I would like my boundry to be: I will not live with an active addict. but an active addict lies and hides his addiction so well. The only time I know for sure he is using is when it gets so bad stuff starts to disappear from my home. By that time I may have lived with an active addict for years and not realized it. Or maybe I had a hunch but never really knew for sure.. oh lordy thats when the snooping starts (which is an entirely different post). WHAT AN UGLY NIGHTMARE
I guess I would like to know how yall handle boundries and what they are.
Can you actually have boundaries while living with an active addict? I mean obviously I would like my boundry to be: I will not live with an active addict. but an active addict lies and hides his addiction so well. The only time I know for sure he is using is when it gets so bad stuff starts to disappear from my home. By that time I may have lived with an active addict for years and not realized it. Or maybe I had a hunch but never really knew for sure.. oh lordy thats when the snooping starts (which is an entirely different post). WHAT AN UGLY NIGHTMARE
I guess I would like to know how yall handle boundries and what they are.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,863
Boundaries are like rules for YOU. Boundaries do not require anyone other than you to do anything differently.
Examples of boundaries include things like:
I will not live with someone I cannot trust.
I won't be around so-and-so if I suspect he is high.
I will hang up the phone if so-and-so starts an argument.
These boundaries do not require the other person to stop doing what they do. They require you to take action to protect your serenity. Does that make sense?
Examples of boundaries include things like:
I will not live with someone I cannot trust.
I won't be around so-and-so if I suspect he is high.
I will hang up the phone if so-and-so starts an argument.
These boundaries do not require the other person to stop doing what they do. They require you to take action to protect your serenity. Does that make sense?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I value respect, therefore I will not accept people who are disrespectful to me as part of my life. I will not hang out with them.
I value honesty, I do not tell lies and I will not knowingly accept lies from other people. If someone lies to me, I will not speak to them.
I value hard work. I will not financially support adults who are capable of financially supporting themselves. If they ask me for money, I will tell them no.
If someone makes a promise to me, I expect them to keep it, if they do not, I will no longer believe or accept their promises.
I will not allow people who I suspect are on drugs to be in my house. I will ask them to leave. If they do not leave, I will call the police.
I value honesty, I do not tell lies and I will not knowingly accept lies from other people. If someone lies to me, I will not speak to them.
I value hard work. I will not financially support adults who are capable of financially supporting themselves. If they ask me for money, I will tell them no.
If someone makes a promise to me, I expect them to keep it, if they do not, I will no longer believe or accept their promises.
I will not allow people who I suspect are on drugs to be in my house. I will ask them to leave. If they do not leave, I will call the police.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Tn.
Posts: 29
WOW you guys and ga;s I needed this today 
My AH I kicked out back in April and he's calling me today singing love songs saying he's clean for real this time which I've heard for 6 long years and I'm like ok I've heard this before sorry. Boundaries are VERY hard to set but once you set them and stick to them you will wake up and smell the Foldgers in the air. Flat out choose what you will and will NOT put up with and stick to it. You will fall short as we all have at some point but it will sink in and your self confodence will come back and you will feel like a person again. SoberRecovery has opened my eyes and myself esteem that I've lost a few pounds and maintaining my self esteen again. ME I am doing with the help of all these wonderful people that I could not even tell you what they look like pyshcially but I KNOW FOR FACT they are ALL BEAUTIFUL inside no matter the color, weight, finances, looks, etc. I love these people and wish we could have a soberrecovery reunion where we could all actually meety face to face and give these internet hugs via person. Food for thoughts Forum Leaders a AL NANON CONVENTION . I hope this helps and God Bless you and I will be praying for you
My AH I kicked out back in April and he's calling me today singing love songs saying he's clean for real this time which I've heard for 6 long years and I'm like ok I've heard this before sorry. Boundaries are VERY hard to set but once you set them and stick to them you will wake up and smell the Foldgers in the air. Flat out choose what you will and will NOT put up with and stick to it. You will fall short as we all have at some point but it will sink in and your self confodence will come back and you will feel like a person again. SoberRecovery has opened my eyes and myself esteem that I've lost a few pounds and maintaining my self esteen again. ME I am doing with the help of all these wonderful people that I could not even tell you what they look like pyshcially but I KNOW FOR FACT they are ALL BEAUTIFUL inside no matter the color, weight, finances, looks, etc. I love these people and wish we could have a soberrecovery reunion where we could all actually meety face to face and give these internet hugs via person. Food for thoughts Forum Leaders a AL NANON CONVENTION . I hope this helps and God Bless you and I will be praying for you
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Posts: 61
Angie4, thanks for posting this! I have been struggling with my AH for over 4 yrs now and always wanted to set boundaries. Every time I do, I break and go against them. I ALWAYS give in. I'm at the point where I need to stand up and move forward with my life. This craziness has controlled me for longer than I ever dreamed something could. Thanks you for asking the question of boundaries! I needed to hear these responses!! 
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Fl
Posts: 118
For myself I could not set boundaries while living with active alcoholism. I hated the chaos, guilt, snooping, anger...etc and asked my husband to leave. I am currently working on boundaries also. One of my boundaries is that if we are on the phone and he brings up an argument I will say, "I am more than willing to talk to you about anything but this..." If he keeps bringing it up I hang up. Another boundary I am working on is saying "No" instead of yes when my husband asks me to do things I do not want to do. When I started implementing the boundaries it was very hard (understatement of the year) at first, but after practicing them over and over again they do become easier.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Some here on SR explained boundaries this way and it helped me tremendously.
Say what you mean (state your boundary clearly)
Mean what you say (boundaries are not negotiable)
Don't say it mean (be calm and don't let emotion into the equation)
Sometimes you don't get a chance to tell another person what the boundary is....the opportunity just doesn't come up. But YOU know when the boundary has been violated and you take the action necessary. It doesn't require anything on their part. Often they learn the boundary by your action. It is up to us to enforce our boundary.
My niece pointed out something to me yesterday as we were talking about boundaries. She said "I've never had to enforce boundaries before.....people respected my boundaries. They are common sense." Some boundaries should be glaringly obvious and they ARE to most people but not to addicts and alcoholics. And we can't depend on the A to do what we "want" them to do. That's why a boundary has to be something that we control for ourselves.
Hope that helps.
gentle hugs
ke
Say what you mean (state your boundary clearly)
Mean what you say (boundaries are not negotiable)
Don't say it mean (be calm and don't let emotion into the equation)
Sometimes you don't get a chance to tell another person what the boundary is....the opportunity just doesn't come up. But YOU know when the boundary has been violated and you take the action necessary. It doesn't require anything on their part. Often they learn the boundary by your action. It is up to us to enforce our boundary.
My niece pointed out something to me yesterday as we were talking about boundaries. She said "I've never had to enforce boundaries before.....people respected my boundaries. They are common sense." Some boundaries should be glaringly obvious and they ARE to most people but not to addicts and alcoholics. And we can't depend on the A to do what we "want" them to do. That's why a boundary has to be something that we control for ourselves.
Hope that helps.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by LuvInDaisy 
Just thinking about have to have bondaires in itself is added stress and ********.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
