3 Weeks.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
3 Weeks.....
Hi everyone. I can't believe that it was only 3 weeks ago that I was sitting here for the 1st night in my new home. The boys and I are getting settled in, the boxes are dwindling, and life feels like it is stabilizing some.
The main thing that I notice is how much nicer it is to not have someone around that is unpredictable, erratic, uncaring, etc. I'm really not surprised that I don't miss that at all but I am surprised that even with all of that, I have grieved over the loss of my marriage and even missed my husband at times. If I wait long enough though he is a bully or angry. It's easier to think about life without him when he is that way.
The big news is that my house sold today - before it even hit the market. It was truly a fluke and we got more for it than expected. Unfortunately, we have quite a legal battle ahead to determine the distribution of the money. BUT...I have a good lawyer and I'm just going to trust the process.
Although my husband chose to ignore recovery and the advice of all of the counselors I still feel sad and sorry for him that he threw everything away. I know that there isn't anything that I could have done to make him "get it" but it still makes me really sad.
I've had a lot of days where I've struggled with facing life alone but that feeling is starting to ease up. I was feeling really alone the other day and wondering if I was destined to grow old by myself. (I know, I know...keep my feet and my head in the same place). I had the feeling that I definitely must have an addiction to being in a relationship. I promised myself that I am going to spend the next 9 months in relationship abstinence. In 9 months I will re evaluate and then commit to an even longer time or just see what happens. It was the strangest thing....as soon as I made that promise....I quit squirreling and worrying about it. Maybe it was knowing that I consciously made the decision that helped. I don't know but it's like that part of me totally relaxed and just became able to let live unfold in whatever way it is to unfold. But the months ahead are a gift to me, from me to just spend time on my own. Figure out who I am and what I want.
My husband has been pushing hard to maintain a relationship and to start going out on dates together. I know that I don't want that for many reasons. I don't trust him but more than that, I know that I just want a period of not having a relationship. With him or with anyone.
So....not much to update other than heading in the right direction. I really appreciate all of the support and I know that I could not have done it without each of you that has been supportive and reached out to me. You each have reminded how important this program is and how important it is to carry the message. Even when life changes and living with an addict or sober addict is not part of my daily life. I know that like my husband's disease that my issues will follow me throughout my days. But what I appreciate now is this is a pretty darn good way to live life....with the principles of recovery. I wouldn't want to do it any other way.
To anyone that reads this and is contemplating leaving a relationship or is staying in an abusive relationship (emotionally, verbally, or physically)....reach out, get help and support, tell on yourself, and keep the faith. One of the things that helped the most was to make myself accountable. I promised my kids to end the relationship. I didn't want to let them down again. I told their dad what was going on....and boy, that REALLY made me accountable. There have been times over the last 3 weeks that ratting myself out to other people is what helped me to stay the course. There are a number of times that I felt so bad that it would have been easy to succumb to the pleas/promises of my husband. Thank heavens I've stayed away. And I feel like now the chains are truly dropping away. My head and my heart are realigning. The "trance" is losing it's ability to grab hold of me. I realize that it is likely to try and snare me back in but hopefully, there is enough water under the bridge to keep that from happening. I never knew how much support an abused woman needs to be able to finally have the strength to leave.
Hope each of you is doing well...... xxoo Donna
The main thing that I notice is how much nicer it is to not have someone around that is unpredictable, erratic, uncaring, etc. I'm really not surprised that I don't miss that at all but I am surprised that even with all of that, I have grieved over the loss of my marriage and even missed my husband at times. If I wait long enough though he is a bully or angry. It's easier to think about life without him when he is that way.
The big news is that my house sold today - before it even hit the market. It was truly a fluke and we got more for it than expected. Unfortunately, we have quite a legal battle ahead to determine the distribution of the money. BUT...I have a good lawyer and I'm just going to trust the process.
Although my husband chose to ignore recovery and the advice of all of the counselors I still feel sad and sorry for him that he threw everything away. I know that there isn't anything that I could have done to make him "get it" but it still makes me really sad.
I've had a lot of days where I've struggled with facing life alone but that feeling is starting to ease up. I was feeling really alone the other day and wondering if I was destined to grow old by myself. (I know, I know...keep my feet and my head in the same place). I had the feeling that I definitely must have an addiction to being in a relationship. I promised myself that I am going to spend the next 9 months in relationship abstinence. In 9 months I will re evaluate and then commit to an even longer time or just see what happens. It was the strangest thing....as soon as I made that promise....I quit squirreling and worrying about it. Maybe it was knowing that I consciously made the decision that helped. I don't know but it's like that part of me totally relaxed and just became able to let live unfold in whatever way it is to unfold. But the months ahead are a gift to me, from me to just spend time on my own. Figure out who I am and what I want.
My husband has been pushing hard to maintain a relationship and to start going out on dates together. I know that I don't want that for many reasons. I don't trust him but more than that, I know that I just want a period of not having a relationship. With him or with anyone.
So....not much to update other than heading in the right direction. I really appreciate all of the support and I know that I could not have done it without each of you that has been supportive and reached out to me. You each have reminded how important this program is and how important it is to carry the message. Even when life changes and living with an addict or sober addict is not part of my daily life. I know that like my husband's disease that my issues will follow me throughout my days. But what I appreciate now is this is a pretty darn good way to live life....with the principles of recovery. I wouldn't want to do it any other way.
To anyone that reads this and is contemplating leaving a relationship or is staying in an abusive relationship (emotionally, verbally, or physically)....reach out, get help and support, tell on yourself, and keep the faith. One of the things that helped the most was to make myself accountable. I promised my kids to end the relationship. I didn't want to let them down again. I told their dad what was going on....and boy, that REALLY made me accountable. There have been times over the last 3 weeks that ratting myself out to other people is what helped me to stay the course. There are a number of times that I felt so bad that it would have been easy to succumb to the pleas/promises of my husband. Thank heavens I've stayed away. And I feel like now the chains are truly dropping away. My head and my heart are realigning. The "trance" is losing it's ability to grab hold of me. I realize that it is likely to try and snare me back in but hopefully, there is enough water under the bridge to keep that from happening. I never knew how much support an abused woman needs to be able to finally have the strength to leave.
Hope each of you is doing well...... xxoo Donna
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I can hear the peace in your voice already.
Grief is a part of endings and often by the time a relationship is ended and that door is closed, the room is already empty.
It's okay to remember the good times and good things about your husband, in time that will help you heal. But you are wise right now to play that tape all the way through to the part where he bullies and where your life is chaos.
Keeping you and your kids in my prayers, for continued growth and better days ahead.
New beginnings await you, where you get to know that stranger called "you" and live in the light of recovery.
Hugs
Grief is a part of endings and often by the time a relationship is ended and that door is closed, the room is already empty.
It's okay to remember the good times and good things about your husband, in time that will help you heal. But you are wise right now to play that tape all the way through to the part where he bullies and where your life is chaos.
Keeping you and your kids in my prayers, for continued growth and better days ahead.
New beginnings await you, where you get to know that stranger called "you" and live in the light of recovery.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by lightseeker 
Hi everyone. I can't believe that it was only 3 weeks ago that I was sitting here for the 1st night in my new home. The boys and I are getting settled in, the boxes are dwindling, and life feels like it is stabilizing some...
...I've had a lot of days where I've struggled with facing life alone but that feeling is starting to ease up...
...But the months ahead are a gift to me, from me to just spend time on my own. Figure out who I am and what I want.
...To anyone that reads this and is contemplating leaving a relationship or is staying in an abusive relationship (emotionally, verbally, or physically)....reach out, get help and support, tell on yourself, and keep the faith. One of the things that helped the most was to make myself accountable....
...I've had a lot of days where I've struggled with facing life alone but that feeling is starting to ease up...
...But the months ahead are a gift to me, from me to just spend time on my own. Figure out who I am and what I want.
...To anyone that reads this and is contemplating leaving a relationship or is staying in an abusive relationship (emotionally, verbally, or physically)....reach out, get help and support, tell on yourself, and keep the faith. One of the things that helped the most was to make myself accountable....
Originally Posted by hurtbeyondbelie
...you have three weeks under your belt and each day you can add another day...
Originally Posted by Ann
...I can hear the peace in your voice already...
Originally Posted by dollydo
I smiled when I read your post, how wonderful it is...a new beginning for you and your children!
These are wonderful threads of yours - you illustrating your journey "to the other side" for other folks. I think many people come to SR and they are on the beginning side of the fence, and see and hear folks on the other side of the fence and it's hard for them to visualize how they could ever get there. Some of the most important posts are those like yours, where you share that bridge, from one side, to the other, including doubts, fears, regrets, but also steady progress one day at a time.
Sending encouragement!
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I told their dad what was going on....and boy, that REALLY made me accountable. There have been times over the last 3 weeks that ratting myself out to other people is what helped me to stay the course.
Thanks for sharing your story lightseeker. It's wonderful to see you moving forward with your life babystep by babystep.
It just gets easier. And I promise you'll look back on this, you'll love yourself more, you'll take pride in what you've accomplished and you'll wonder what the heck took you so long.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
The big news is that my house sold today - before it even hit the market. It was truly a fluke and we got more for it than expected
I too think telling on yourself is great advice for all of us...Really helps with accountability for so many things. When I decide I am committing to something whether it was when I quit smoking, decided to train for a marathon, or just wanted to lose 5 pounds, I reached a point where I realized I wasn't telling anyone. I had to face the fact that not saying anything gave me wiggle room to change my mind. Sharing keeps me motivated and keeps me honest!
Happy to hear that life is settling down. I think it is perfectly normal to feel sad that someone you love is making bad choices and to mourn the end of a dream. But at the same time, rejoice in new beginnings!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Greet,
That was only too perfect to read right now. Exactly the right words at the right time. It was/is grace in action. A nice reminder for me to do more of that. HP will always find a way to guide and comfort....but it does seem to be that that trust is key.
I've had a situation on my mind all evening...and your words allowed me to see it from a completely different perspective. I saw where I was imposing my will which then created all sorts of uncomfortable feelings. I think I just need to walk around with ODAT or Courage to Change open at all times. It's shocking how quickly my mind will try and take over. Peace for me only comes when I turn it over...and mean it.
You are really right about that "wiggle room" when you don't become accountable to another. I guess that is step 5 in action, huh? Amazing how it always goes back to the steps.
It really helps to have you and all of the other wonderful friends on SR to be able to be completely honest with. I still marvel at how we have all come together and created this little (big) community.
I like your reminder to rejoice in new beginnings. I think that I was forgetting that part....on that note....I'll head off to bed!
That was only too perfect to read right now. Exactly the right words at the right time. It was/is grace in action. A nice reminder for me to do more of that. HP will always find a way to guide and comfort....but it does seem to be that that trust is key.
I've had a situation on my mind all evening...and your words allowed me to see it from a completely different perspective. I saw where I was imposing my will which then created all sorts of uncomfortable feelings. I think I just need to walk around with ODAT or Courage to Change open at all times. It's shocking how quickly my mind will try and take over. Peace for me only comes when I turn it over...and mean it.
You are really right about that "wiggle room" when you don't become accountable to another. I guess that is step 5 in action, huh? Amazing how it always goes back to the steps.
It really helps to have you and all of the other wonderful friends on SR to be able to be completely honest with. I still marvel at how we have all come together and created this little (big) community.
I like your reminder to rejoice in new beginnings. I think that I was forgetting that part....on that note....I'll head off to bed!
Yankee
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 183
Donna,
You go with your bad self girl!! I am so happy for you and your children, you have a new place, your home sold & some peace coming your way....nice.
I know how you feel about missing him at times, but also NOT missing being with or around someone who does the things that addicts do.
I am smiling today for you and sending groovy vibes to you and your kiddos for continued peace...
You go with your bad self girl!! I am so happy for you and your children, you have a new place, your home sold & some peace coming your way....nice.
I know how you feel about missing him at times, but also NOT missing being with or around someone who does the things that addicts do.
I am smiling today for you and sending groovy vibes to you and your kiddos for continued peace...
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