New member - My husband almost died last night
 

Hello Everyone,

I'm so glad I found this wonderful board. I am relatively new to all this and I would like to share my story with you to maybe get some advice and new perspectives.

My husband and I (both early 30s) have been married for 1 year. I've known him for 4 years and since the beginning of our relationship there have been signs here and there that he uses drugs. I didn't know how to read these signs back then since I've had no personal experience with people who use drugs and have never taken anything myself in my entire life. So there was the occasional suspicion from my side, followed by him denying things, followed by fights, followed by promises. During the first 3 years he was in the military too so he was always very careful about using and never got caught through a drug test. During that time it was mostly Oxys.

When he got out of the military a year ago, went back to school, and had all this new-found "freedom" all of a sudden, things became increasingly more serious. It started with the occasional recreational weed, which turned into smoking weed every day. Then came Oxys, etc. again and poppy pod tea, which he would grind himself and drink, sometimes days in a row until he was out of everything again. The intervals of him getting things became shorter and shorter. We started having more fights about his drug use. He claimed it was all innocent stuff and that I was nagging him and making a big scene over nothing. And that in fact all his friends and some of my friends too were doing things like weed or pills and that everyone but me was cool with it. There was the occasional cocaine too every few months at things like bachelor parties, etc. Then during the last few months his opiate abuse progressed. I could tell whenever he was high and to me it seemed like it was all the time. Maybe a week or two break in between then he would get drugs again. We've always had a very honest and close relationship and his constant lying and hiding things from me since he knew I didn't approve his drug use put a lot of strain on our otherwise happy marriage.

Fast foward to last week. He was high again for a few days in a row and I noticed a burnt smell in the bathroom. I had noticed it a few weeks earlier too but didn't put two and two together. I found pieces of tin foil in the trash, and after some research it was clear to me that he was smoking black tar heroin. Another fight, another talk, me presenting my evidence, he finally confesses and says what he has said so many times before: That he's realized he's doing this too much, that I'm right that it is dangerous, that he will cut back, and that in a few years when we have kids he won't take anything anymore. He assured me that he didn't want to jeopardize our future and that he had it all under control (I never believed that of course but once again I didn't know what to do).

That was Sunday. Two days later he gets high on something in the afternoon, hangs out with friends, and drinks a lot. I was already in bed when he came home. He said goodnight and a few minutes later I was woken up by a very loud noise in the kitchen. And there he was, pale, non-reactive, about to pass out with a used syringe lying on the counter top. These next few minutes will stay with me for the rest of my life. He wasn't breathing and was turning blue, I called 911, started mouth to mouth, CPR, and fought for his life. I am still shaking as I'm writing this. He was taken to the ER and a blood test confirmed the heroin overdose.

The way I feel right now I can't even describe. He says this was a wake up call and that he wants to stop doing any kind of drugs. What he doesn't say yet is that he will definitely go to a program, get counseling, etc. He's saying IF he goes he would go to this place or that place. But he also says he knows he can just stop and never touch anything again. He has the best of intentions right now but I know that he needs support in this. What should I do? I want HIM to want this so I don't want to say he NEEDS to go NA. I only suggested it. What should my role be in all this now?? I'm feeling so scared and lost but I want to do the right things and not to anything wrong in this critical turning point of his.

Thank you all so much for reading this. Sorry that it was so ong. This was the first time I told anyone about any of this. Thanks!

Your role in this is to get help for yourself.

I'm glad you're here. I'm sad about why you are here though.

Welcome to SR, Daniela. Sadly, the story you share is one many here have experienced and there is no easy solution. We can try all we want but in the end there is nothing we can do or not do to save them from addiction, only they can do that when they are ready. But we can help ourselves, we can work a recovery program for codependents that help us regain our balance and find a better way to live.

Something that has helped many of us is live meetings of Al-Anon, Nar-Anon or CoDA. Maybe give it a try and see if it doesn't help you.

I'm glad you joined us and hope you know you are among friends here.

Hugs

i am glad u are here also,sorry for the reason. there is nothing u can do for your husband. i hope he will get the help he needs but it is all up to him. we r here for you. read around & keep coming back.prayers,

That must have been so terrifying! The sad part about addiction is even after what should be a wake up call, addicts can find a way to minimize what happened, convince themselves that next time they'll keep things under control, etc. I know that some addicts quit on their own but having a support group such as NA, going to rehab or intensive outpatient treatment, and using other tools makes success more likely. If your husband is serious about stopping it would make sense for him to utilize whatever resources he can. You can't force him to do anything, but it's important to find your own support system - Naranon, Alanon, etc. So sorry that you're going through this. I just discovered this forum recently, but I can already tell it's a great resource. Glad you found it too.

Daniella977:
I am sorry that you are going through this. I am praying for your strength and peace during this time.

Hugs,

:welcome D and your story like someone else mentioned is all to common among us addicts.

All I can really do is share w/you a little about me, as I am an addict and my story is a lot like your husbands.

As much as I wanted to quit for my loved ones I wasn't done till I hit a pretty low bottom.

I had O'D' like your husband more than once and that still wasn't enough. I also gave all the excuses and lied about my using. It seems to be a part of the denial an addict goes through.

When I said I would get help I really meant it but then I would be out getting high again. I only got off the stuff when I became homeless, hopeless, and helpless.

I agree w/everyone else go try out an Alanon mtg. Among other things it will teach you about the disease and what to do, or not do.

I also suggest you read a book called Narcotics Anonymous, in there it will give you all the facts about the addict, and it also has some stories much like yours in there.

Be safe and do what you have to for yourself, because you can't be there for anyone if your not okay.

Take care and post here often it has helped me more than words can say. Peace & Blessings:ring

I am so sorry that you are having to face this.

The above posters are right, there is nothing you can do except work on you, the rest is up to your husband, this is his problem, his responsibility to address.

My exabf is a binge user. He tried white knuckling it may times, always failed. He has participated in AA, NA,CA over and over again, yet he never embraced a program, he just went through the motions and thus has never been in recovery, truth be told, he doesn't want to recover.

It is my belief, that the chances of recovery increase drastically if a strong program is embraced.

Take care of you, keep posting, we are here for you.

Daniela,

Welcome to SR. I'm glad you're here although I've very sorry about everything that has happened.

I'm sure you've heard that an addict has to hit bottom before they decide to seek help for themselves and change.

The same is true for codependents. You, like me, unknowingly married someone with a drug problem. And you've probably been conditioned (like I was) that you should stick by your man and help him...Maybe you feel like this is where the 'for better or for worse' part comes into play.

All I can tell you is that there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you can do or say that will make your husband want to recover. NOTHING. There simply is no magic phrase or thing you can do to make him want it. It's his disease. HIs life. His call. He gets to keep using as long as he wants.

But you have choices too.

You aren't trapped.

I encourage you to find some al anon meetings in your area. Read other posts here at SR...especially some of the stickies (permanent posts) at the top of the page. Work on educating yourself about the DISEASE of addiction.

This isn't a matter of your husband merely wanting to quit. Your husband has a disease that he will battle for the rest of his life. And no amount of love from you (no matter how pure or well-intentioned) will help him. In fact, your love might kill him if it enables him to keep doing drugs wtihout consequence.

I feel so bad for you. I know how hard this is. I'm glad you reached out for help. Keep reaching out. There are LOTS of people who have gone thru this...more than you probably ever realized.

Keep coming back!
Hugs...
Mary

Hi Daniela,

Welsome to SR! I'm sorry you find yourself in this position. As a person in recovery, I would strongly suggest that you educate yourself on addiction. Naranon is a great place to start.

The sad truth is that addiction thrives on self-delusion. His statements "IF he goes..." "can just stop..." are pure BS, whether he knows it or not. He's an addict, this is no longer about choice, and probably hasn't been for a very long time. Until he comes to the conclusion that he has to stop or will die, he will not seriously try to stop (and even then, he may not be able to). Based on his belief that he can stop anytime, the OD in the kitchen doesn't sound like he's done using. As the saying goes, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

What you need to consider is the very real possibility that this is only the beginning of the insanity. If you read through the forums here, you will find lots of stories that start in a similar fashion, and for some of those stories the posts go on for YEARS. The problem is, these aren't stories, they are not fiction - they are lives.

I'm not going to tell you what to do, that is for you to decide. But before you make you make decisions as to what you are willing to do and how far you are willing to stick this out, you need to know for real what it is you are dealing with. You will see the term "co-dependent" alot on SR. In my opinion, its root is the same as that of addiction: self-delusion. Self-delusion can cause you as much pain as your husbands will do to him.

My prayers go out to you and your husband.

He's into denial, right now and believes he can control the drug. Sadly, near ODs usually become a right of passage into the big leagues.

There is absolutely nothing you can do to make him stop or cause him to use. You are not that powerful. None of us are.

If it's acceptable to continue to live with someone in active addiction, please take action to protect your credit, money and valuables. It's probably hard to imagine that it will likely become necessary to separate your assets from his and secure your money and jewelry if you have anything of value, including your wedding ring. Take some time and read the stories. So many here have lost everything, including their homes due to someone else's addiction.

And lastly, double up on the ole birth control. Impending parenthood does not cure addiction.

Addiction is horrible and progressive. Remember, you can get off this roller coaster anytime you want to do so.

Hello Everyone,
Thank you all so much for reading my post and for your advice. The last 4 weeks have been tough and it was extremely hard for me to function normally but things are going in the right direction I think. My husband is going to AA meetings and has started therapy. He also hasn't done any drugs and has stopped drinking alcohol. It seems that what happened was the much needed wakeup call that made him take a hard look at himself. I know the road to recovery is long and hard though and that there will many obstacles along the way. I'll keep you posted. Thank you again!!!

I'm a little late in welcoming you to SR.....but the warmth in my greeting is sincere. Welcome!

I'm glad to hear that your husband is doing something for himself. That is wonderful news. Personally, I have found that the insanity brought on by living with/loving an addict caused as much mental, emotional and spiritual damage in ME as it did to the addict. I found my own life to be unmanageable as I was trying to control my life and his. It wasn't working so well.

Many people with far more experience than I have say that the addict's program works best when we (their loved ones) are working a program of our own. The addict in my life is not working a program but I am working the program I wish he would work. And it DOES work.

I guess what I'm trying to say is.......I hope and pray that you aren't hinging your happiness on his recovery. When I work a program myself, I learn to speak the language of recovery and it works in my life as effectively as it could in the life of my son. By actively working a program of recovery for myself (in Naranon & Alanon) I am better preparing myself for today AND tomorrow....whatever it may bring. I will always hope and pray that my son finds recovery but I no longer allow my happiness or serenity to depend upon it. If/when he decides to seek recovery, I am prepared to speak the language and demonstrate how it works in my daily life.

gentle hugs
ke

I am glad your husband is doing ok. I just want to mention one thing. You said u and he had a very open and honest relationship. I think you may want to look at that again. If he was lying to you about the drugs then it wasn't open and honest. He may continue to lie about drugs and other behaviors which he feels you wouldn't approve of. Just a thought.

Take care of you. If you are not ok you are no good for anyone including yourself.