RegularJoe

So I started dating someone who told me she use to be addicted to cocaine. Said she checked herself into rehab and never told her family or anyone. I didnt hold that against her and we went on with our relationship. One day we get into an argument and we're sitting in my car, shes sort of shaking and keeps asking for me to take her to her car so she can go see her friend.. after me pressing her out on whats really going on she said that she was going to use.. so i went home with her and stayed the night. Once we got to her house it was like she didnt even have a problem. Acted like she didnt need the drugs at all anymore.

Question #1 - Does the need or urge to use go away that quickly? I honestly felt like she used it as an excuse to get me to stay the night the next day.


About a week or two later we get into another major argument and I walk away from her cause she said some out of line things. She texts me saying i need to come back and talk to her cause the argument was stressing her out and her sponsor wasn't answering her phone calls. At this point I was still skeptical she even had a sponsor so I asked her sponsors name and to see her phone for proof she tried to call... She deleted her outgoing calls after that and got even more mad at me for asking. Mind you we were both at work, and she didn't show the same symptoms of the need or urge to use that she did the first time. If a customer came up she was all smiles and acted normal. Later that night we resolved our problems in a long conversation. Part of that talk included that her relationship with her sponsor is exclusive and that no one will ever meet or talk to her sponsor. And her sponsor is moving to another country. When I asked if she needed to find a new one she said she didnt need a new sponser and she didnt feel like going back to NA meetings (apparently thats how you find a new sponsor?). She really tried to tell me to leave the addiction problem 100% up to her and to never talk about it.

Question #2 - Is her relationship with the sponsor normal? and is it normal to be dating an addict and not be involved with their addiction at all the way she wanted?


I broke up with her over unrelated issues. But she was very hurt by it. She begged for me to come back for 2 days. Then she sends a text saying I wont go back to her after what she "does next". One day goes by with no contact. She texts me yesterday saying she would bring my stuff to me eventually but she might not be at work. I ask why, she answered that she went on a cocaine, ex, alcohol binge. But acted like it wasnt a big deal. After arguing about it for a while she said it was a good thing for her and she feels a lot better and shes not going back to it again.

Question #3 - Do these things seem like the way an addict would act? I honestly cant tell if shes an addict with a real problem or a compulsive liar looking for sympathy. her addiction was never a problem unless she wanted me to feel guilty or there was an argument she wanted out of.

Question #4 - we went out to drink a lot. And she drinks without me. Is that even okay for someone trying to recover from an addiction to cocaine

I feel like a jerk for questioning it but you have to admit, its a good lie if it is one. Cause who would question the fact that you have an addiction..

I have only told you the bad parts of the relationship but there were a lot of good parts and I still care for her. It just bothers me that I cant tell whats real anymore.

Thanks in advance for any input

hope213

run, run fast as u can. she is an addict & when they open there mouth it is a lie. i am sorry u have gotten mixed up with her. you sound like a good guy. it sounds to me she is not ready for recovery. if her sponsor has moved away she knows she needs another one.she knows where the help is but she has got to get it herself. keep coming back & let us know how u are.

RegularJoe

well one quick update... she will be at work today. it will be the first time i see her since she went on her "binge"...

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR.....this is a good place to begin to learn about addiction and codependency.

Unfortunately addiction, manipulation and lying seem to go hand in hand. The addict in my life tries to use three of my emotions as weapons: he tries to make me fearful, he tries to make me feel guilty, and he tries to make me feel pity. Of course, someone can only "make" us feel something if we allow them to. So, as a codependent in recovery, I am very mindful when those three emotions start to crop up when I am talking with him. Fear Guilt and Pity are his weapons and my weakness--and he is very aware of it--but so am I. It worked for him for a very long time.....it doesn't work anymore and he is not getting the reactions he craves.

I hope you stick around. There is so much collective wisdom here on SR. And every single person has experienced the chaos that addiction can bring into a family or relationship. You are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke

RegularJoe

Thank you for your quick responses...

We have already broken up. That doesnt mean I dont still care about her. I have considered just keeping her out of my life completely, but its not that easy because of all the good things we did have. However, some of you are just saying run run run. Im confused. Its being said like no current or former addict can have a normal relationship with someone who isnt.

Freedom1990

Active addicts are incapable of having a 'normal' healthy relationship.

Even in recovery, it takes a long time to stabilize and rejoin society.

There's a good reason it's often recommended to recovering addicts to NOT get involved in a relationship for at least a year.

hope213

i say run ,run, run because it is my son that is the addict. i love him so very much but he has put me & his family thru so much until i found recovery right here at S.R. he has been using since he was 21 that i know of. he spent his 17th b-day in jail due to alcohol. from there it only got worse. he was in prison due to drugs at 23. with an addict it only gets worse until THEY decide to do something about it. it takes alot of hard work on there part.my son just had his 40th b-day in the dept. of corrections. he has been there for 3 yrs & has 4 more to go. if love could make or get them clean my son would have been clean yrs & yrs ago. no one can make a decision for you to stay with this girl..only u can do that just take it a day at a time. prayers going up for u & her too.

justjo

quote: It just bothers me that I cant tell whats real anymore.

When I start thinking like this, I know somethings not right and I go with my gut reaction. Its not real or right for me.

JJ

hope213

how was it at work? are u ok?

RegularJoe

at work now. Havnt really had a chance to talk but she said she has some stuff to give back to me through text earlier... So ill have to talk to her eventually...

JJ thats exactly what made me end it. I stayed twice before and ignored my gut. Im trying to follow my gut now. Its just hard when you still care for someone so much

Freedom1990

It's possible to care from a distance. Don't underestimate the power of prayer.

I have a 33-year-old daughter who's an active addict, and I no longer take a front seat to her addictions.

She lives 40 miles south of me, with no car, which is fine by me.

I love her, but don't get involved in her messy life.

justjo

Oh boy, Ive been there and done that too. I love my sister and my sons so much too.

What helped me though, was when I started loving and caring for them from a distance, like Freedom said. its ok to care about someone but at the end of the day, if they are not caring for themselves, and making me feel bad about it, I dont need it, ya know. I couldnt keep up with them, I needed peace in my life so badly, that in the end I gave up. I surrended my power, I could fix it. I could still care and wonder if they were ok, ya know but I got sick of fixing the broken glass and had to start fixing me.
JJ