BarelyHere

My rah has been off from work for 3 days. I have tried to talk & interact with him. Nothing. He has made a few offers for sex. Obviously I said No. The first day was awful, he did everything he could to avoid talking to me. The next day by noon, he sent me a text. While we were sitting in bed together. I was furious. He is so uncapable of talking that he wrote me a text. On top of that, the whole text was I, I, & I. There was no me or us. With the exception of a very guilt laden, "I don't know what I would do if you left me". And of course the, in AA we are told to work on ourselves.
He has only been in AA a few months, and I am the one who convinced him to go & have never stood in his way or ever said a negative thing about his AA. I want him to work on his self.

All I asked for was a little time, talk & discussion on us. I did not ask him to stop anything he was working on.
After the text I told him I needed someone who could talk to me. But I got no interaction. Just the AA phrase over & over. That he wasn't supposed to get angry. That he had lots of guilt for his past. But no discussion.
When I told him I didn't know how I was taking him away from AA, I mentioned his video games, texting, etc. and asked him if that wasn't a problem also. I then got accused of cutting him down.
This soon became a fight and everything that came out of my mouth was turned around.
I then proceeded to say I needed a break & started to leave. Then I thought why should I leave. So I told him to leave. This has never happened before. He became furious. Started grabbing things as he ranted & raved. Yelling it was over & I didn't want him to get well.
I calmed him down as I realized this was only going to turn into a scene & I was going to be the bad guy.
I went to bed. I woke up sad & defeated. Day three was very few words & lots of consoling rubs on my back & leg. Would it be so hard to say "Sorry, I overreacted"?
My heart is cold. I can't divorce him now. My son gets married in August. We have businesses together. But I can start trying to get them ready for sale. We have lots of properties & I can start selling them.
I am doing Al-anon, and I have nothing but support for AA. But if he thinks he can make my life hell for 6+ yrs. And then play the victim.
And none of this has anything to do with us or our marriage he is very wrong. I have wasted too much time.
I can't make him be the man I want him to be, but I can be who I want to be & make him regret that he made me an enemy instead of a partner.
Thanks for listening.

Freedom1990

I'm sorry for your pain. There are some who just can't integrate back into life, which is what recovery is about in the end.

I know it was a difficult transition for me, but I also didn't have a significant other as I had walked away from my EXAH in order to protect my own recovery from alcoholism/addiction.

I was the single mother of an 8-year-old daughter and had to get back out in society and do the things I needed to do, including communicating with others.

I am glad you are getting support through Alanon. It's been a lifesaver for me!

dollydo

Addicts deflect, they manipulate and play the pity party game at the drop of a hat.

Even if he said "sorry" it means nothing, his actions speak for themselves and he will most likely repeat his performance yet again, and again.

The ball is in your court, either you stay and continue to be involved in his drama, or you leave and enjoy some peace and happiness in your life. It is up to you.

In the meantime, enjoy the wedding!

marie1960

Barelythere, Sounds to me as if you are getting ready to make a move after August. In the meantime, make copies of all business assets, real estate holdings and bank accounts. Any joint credit cards make copies of. Better to be safe than sorry. Run credit checks too, to make certain he is not opening additional joint accounts with your name on them. Keep records in a secure place other than your home.
Am sorry to hear that you are feeling so cold and alone, for what it is worth you are not alone, there are so very many of us. Try not to let AH take you to his dark place. It is after all his recovery, he has to work it out, and you get to concentrate on doing good positive things for you. Keep the faith, you know where you want to be, get yourself to that peaceful place........

lightseeker

Sounds like an incredibly difficult and unreasonable situation. But that is life with a person with addiction and newly in recovery. At least he is going but it doesn't mean that things are better at home.

I'm glad that you have found a home in Alanon. It's saved my life. People there understand and get what we go through.

I'm glad that you are getting the business stuff in order...and definitely understand about getting through your son's wedding. I had all of my money tied up in a house with my husband and it made it really difficult for me to find a way out and still preserve my interests. I had a plan in my head and then when the time was right last month, I left. It went smoothly because I knew exactly what I needed to do. It helped me to just get a plan in place.......I sorted out what I needed to sort out and then was ready.

Glad that you are posting. You are not alone. I definitely get the frustration and pain.

BarelyHere

Thank you for your replies....I needed the reinforcement that I wasn't crazy. you become so isolated you think you are. I really have no one I can just sit and pour my heart out to, so I really appreciate everybody here at SR.

Anvilhead- Yes we were in the same bed at the same time. However I did misspeak it was an email not a text.

I had planned last year at the end of the year to leave. That was when I didn't know about his addiction. Then he came clean and started working on it. It has been a very big rollercoaster. I have been married 20+ yrs. I knew him well before the 6+ yrs of hidden addiction. We have been to counseling for years. So he knows what I need & our counselor has made it clear what he needs to do, he just obviously can't. I know he has problems, but after all these years & all my support I guess I just expected our marriage meant more to him. I am just not sure how long he expects me to wait for him. I have been a shell of my self for years & I am tired.

lightseeker

Barely There,

You are just speaking of really real feelings and frustrations. I hear the sorrow and how difficult it all is. I really do understand about how difficult it is to end the isolation. As long as you have your computer you have access to this life line....we are all right here for you. If I can do anything for you just let me know.

I am 3 weeks into finally leaving my husband. He never thought that I would do it. He has been sober for almost 6 years - but it's been a tough go. "Recovery" never suited him and he has been a dry drunk/addict the entire time. My heart, too, went cold. Once that light is out - it it just out. My love for him really was strong for him and it sure took a lot of pain and disappointment to let it run cold.

I can't believe that I have met another person who texted/emailed while in the same bed with someone. It happened to me a few months ago. I realized then that we had hit a new low. I just don't know how you actually fix something that has reached that point.

I'm still struggling with all that is going on with me but I do know that I have made the right choice. It is really hard but I'm just putting one foot in front of the other. You are definitely not alone in your struggles. PLEASE keep posting. With each post I became stronger. It just took time. When the time came, all of the voices of SR echoed in my head....Greet, Ann, Anvil, Callie, DollyDo, Laurie, Kindeyes, and EVERYONE! These people can be your lifeline and your support system. I know that I am not alone...and neither are you.

Hopefully, things will get better. But, if you continue to prepare for the worst then you will always be ok. It really was all the planning that I did that allowed me to blow through it when the time came.

Hugs and love, Donna