Need some advice, wife is in Detox right now.

Old 06-13-2011, 10:29 PM
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Angry Need some advice, wife is in Detox right now.

I'm saddened to hear my wife is addicted to opiates. She is currently in Detox and I have been the primary provider for our 16 month old beautiful daughter. Apparently, my wife has been an addict for three years and the only way I could get her to detox was by threatening to kick her out of the house.

My issues are now with trusting her. We have not been married 2 years yet and she lied about her addiction to me before the marriage, at the alter, and now. I have confronted her on numerous occasions and she always denied she had a problem. I wasn't stupid and knew she was having issues but she had surgery a while back so I thought she may have been legitimately using them.

She stole pills from my parents house, her parents house, my sister-in-laws house, and from me. The greatest disservice she did though was neglect our daughter the first 14 months of her life. And she has been asleep in the bed or on the couch for half of our marriage. I'm leaning towards leaving her and taking my daughter with me. I feel like this is the right thing to do.

Should I give her a second chance? In my mind, that is out of the question. What do y'all think?

Last edited by 11bravopapa; 06-13-2011 at 10:35 PM. Reason: Mis-spelled word
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Old 06-13-2011, 10:40 PM
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Welcome. I am so glad you are here. There are a lot of stickies at the tops of this forum. When I first showed up here I read and read and read. There is so much useful information.

No one can really tell you what to do. What I can say is you didn't cause this, you can't control it and you sure can't cure it. You can help yourself though. Nar Anon (or Al Anon if you can't find an a Nar Anon). Ask around, you will find meetings where you feel comfortable taking your child too if you need.

Thank you for posting. Keep coming back. You will find wonderful support here.
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Old 06-13-2011, 10:42 PM
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Thank you for the hospitality.
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Old 06-13-2011, 11:15 PM
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I'm sure others will pop on here throughout the early morning hours as the rest of the world starts to wake up. The support here is amazing, but there is a small amount of down time about now.

Trust me, you will not be ignored and you will "meet" some amazing people.
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Old 06-14-2011, 04:41 AM
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Hi,

I am sorry about all of this. Here is what I think:

Unfortunately, addicts lie, and lie somemore. Their addiction and behavior is always much worse than they ever acknowledge.

Detox is only a baby step, the real work comes in the recovery portion. The meetings, the 12 steps, the desire to stay clean at all costs. The addict who is in recovery must be as selfish about their recovery as they were about their using. This will be a lifelong battle, there is no cure for addiction, relapses are common.

With that said, you are doing the right thing, your child must be your priorty, her safety and welfare come first.

I cannot tell you what to do, however, I wouldn't consider give her a second chance until she is clean for at least a year, and is working a strong recovery program. If her actions warrent a second chance, you will know it. The reason I say that is because of your daughter, she should not be living in this toxic enviorment.

Keep posting, keep reading others posts, and if you can get to some meetings, it will help.
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Old 06-14-2011, 05:19 AM
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Hi bp, and Welcome to SR!

Glad you found us! You'll find lots of great information and support here.

I agree with the others in that none of us can tell you whether you should stay or leave. What you will hear from us is that addiction is a progressive disease, and the addict cannot be helped unless he/she really wants to change. Once the addict grabs hold of recovery with both hands, then things can begin to change!

For us, we learn something called the 3C's:

You did not cause the addiction.
You cannot control the addict.
You cannot cure the addict.

I always found these to be both really frustrating and finally really freeing. It's not my fault!!! I'm not responsible for the consequences of their behavior!!

In my opinion, you instincts to protect your baby girl are spot on! She has no voice and no choice in this matter, so she needs her one healthy parent to protect her.

Stick around, we're glad you found us, although sorry for what brings you.....
HG
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Old 06-14-2011, 05:32 AM
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Is your wife going to rehab after detox? If so, there most likely will be family groups there as well as counseling sessions with her counselor, you, and your wife. Those can really help you sort things out. Nar-anon and Alanon can also help. Going into detox is just the first step and your wife has to be committed to everything else needed for recovery. Agree with what others have said that only you can decide whether to leave or stay but of course, do whatever it takes to make sure that your baby is safe. So sorry for what you are going through.
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Old 06-14-2011, 06:54 AM
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Welcome to SR......you've stumbled into a forum of people who know exactly what you are going through and the feelings that you are feeling. Every single one of us loves someone who is addicted to drugs. You are not alone.

Staying in the marriage or not is such an individual choice and no one here can tell you what to do. However, we can share what we do to cope with the pain, anxiety, fear, and all of the other emotions that we carry due to our relationship with someone with this disease. The addict in my life is my adult son. He is turning 30 this month.

For me, I found comfort at Naranon and Alanon meetings (I go to one of each every week) and here on SR. It is possible to find peace whether our loved one continues to use or not. I work hard on myself every single day to keep MY head in a good place because that is what I can control.

You, your wife, and your baby daughter will be in my prayers today.

gentle hugs
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Old 06-14-2011, 08:44 AM
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Hello bravopapa, and welcome to SR!

As the others have said, we can't tell you to stay or go.

We can share our own experiences with a loved one in addiction.

I was married to an addict (now deceased), I have a 33-year-old daughter who's an addict, and I am an addict in long-term recovery (20+ years).

Trust is earned, and of course you have difficulties with trust right now! That is only wise and prudent!

What is her plan after detox?

For me, I have to have a program of recovery in my life.

I'd recommend you read some of the sticky topics at the top of this board and educate yourself further on addiction.

Get your hands on a copy of the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

Check into local Naranon or Alanon meetings in your area for face-to-face support among those who understand.

I am so glad you are there for that precious daughter of yours!
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Old 06-14-2011, 09:28 AM
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11bravopapa,

I'm in almost your exact same situation. My addict wife and I have been married for five years and have a 19 month old son. She went into rehab the day before he turned 17 months and is just now starting to transition home while still attending day treatments and meetings. She hid her addition from me for months until I started opening my eyes. She lied to me with every breath and fought treatment until she was forced to go or she would lose her professional license. She ignored our son as well and was always tired, sleepy, etc. She completely missed my 40th birthday.

It is extremely tough, but accepting that I didn't cause her addiction, can't control her addiction and can't cure her addiction was a godsend. Only you can decide what you is best for you and your child. I decided to give my wife a shot because we had four great years of marriage before her addiction and I hope that maybe we will get that back. She has made huge strides but she is not back to the person she was. While I have no fear of her using, she still lies to me about completely inconsequential stuff and uses those addict defenses from time to time.

The only thing I can say is to make sure you give al-anon a real shot and remember that there are many of US out there, just as there are many of THEM. In the end, YOU will know the right answer. Good luck.
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Old 06-14-2011, 11:10 AM
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welcome to SR. I stumbled upon it 6 years ago and count it among my greatest blessings. Loving a person with a substance abuse problem is past difficult. And when it is compounded by children it's really hard.

My perspective is that your daughter REALLY needs you. Way more than your wife. You are your child's sober parent and she will need you to be 100% able to raise her. In recovery, detachment with love is the recommended approach to dealing with loved ones. It is appropriate to be compassionate but absolutely you must think about yourself and your daughter first. I've always heard that if you raise a child with an addict in the home you are either teaching the child how to be a user or tolerate a user. Neither is healthy.

You don't have to close the door on your wife if you don't want to but it makes sense to stand back while she learns to deal with her issues. Unfortunately, it is a journey that a person really has to take alone. I would ask myself if I would be able to forgive myself in something happened to my child is I left her with someone that might zone out (or worse) due to drugs. Addiction is a lifelong disease and all any addict ever has is a daily reprieve. Using a drug is not the only problem - the real problem is a difficulty in living life on life's terms. It just takes a long time to change old patterns, learn new behaviors, and to be sober.

When you are involved with an addict you get as sick as they are....it means that you have to work your own recovery program. The good thing is that you will find wonderful people and you don't have to do it alone.

I hope that you will continue to come back as you deal with all of this....
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Old 06-14-2011, 02:37 PM
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Hello Bp,
I agree with everyone else only YOU know when you are done. However, the protection of that sweet baby girl is number one right now and Daady has to get Daddy together to take care of her. It is a Blessing you have found the truth out because adicts will lie OVER & OVER again and sweet talk their way back. Stay focused on you and what you deserve and protecting the innocent child. We are adults and can make decisions BUT SHE CAN'T. It's up to you in your decision whole heartdly. I will be praying for you and hope all is well and very sorry you have to go through this. I went and still kinda going through same situation just longer time involved I am a mother of 5 and my AH has been gone for months now. I am in the process of regaining myself and SOBERRECOVERY has been such a Blessing to me and the people here are so very kind. We are all here and have a ear for you to vent, you may not like some responses but understand we have all been there. Again my heart goes out to you and I wish you the best of luck. Know this is not your fault and you CANNOT control of fix her addiction. God Bless
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Old 06-15-2011, 06:07 PM
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The three years of lies she told me have come to an end. I filed yesterday, I pray one day my daughters mother can stabilize to be a mother to our daughter.
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Old 06-16-2011, 08:23 AM
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Thanks for all your insight and support!
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Old 06-16-2011, 09:21 AM
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keep coming back Brave Papa!
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Old 06-16-2011, 09:23 AM
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Some people can live with the lies and some cannot. We all have to do what we have to do for ourselves.

I hope you continue coming back.
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