loveforhorses

Hi everyone I am new to this site. I was reading some posts and thought I would get a little feed back on my situation. I an a nurse who works in a treatment center. I couple months ago I had a guy come to our facility for residential treatment as it had been 10 months since his last use due to incarceration. He spend a month with us and is now at a halfway house for 4 months. The last 2 weeks he was there we began talking a lot. I have never felt a connection like this with a client before however I have become friends with some clients in the past. This guy was different. We have developed a relationship and have begun dating since he has been at the halfway house. We both agree that recovery is his main focus or has to be. I can see this relationship lasting a long time as can he. I do have a little concern about his year of sobriety being due to incarceration then being in 2 treatment facilities. Believe me I am aware that if he had wanted to use during this past year he could have and he didn't. But I have some small concerns about how he will do when living on his own again in 3-4 months(hopefully).

Any thoughts??

catlovermi

Welcome!

This is going to sound harsh, but really it's just a statement of fact.

You have no idea who this guy is or what he's like in real life.

So far, he's been incarcerated and then in treatment, both highly controlled environments - and both environments where putting on a certain facade can be very useful. And the REASONS he was 1)incarcerated and 2)in treatment are at least in part that his ability to function as an adult is severely impaired - he broke some laws and escaped reality via substances. The REASONS may go further: mental health problems, character deficits, compulsive lying - no way to know these things yet.

If I had a nickel for every post who claimed they met a "super special person" who is "phenomenal" and had this "amazing connection" here on the boards, I'd be rich already. Part of being an addict is learning guile and charm and, yes, deception - very, VERY well.

Part of falling for an addict is believing there is a special undiscovered gem "under there."

I hope you have the opportunity to do a lot of reading on Sober Recovery boards...

Welcome, and join us often!

CLMI

fourmaggie

no relationship for the A or NA or CA for one year...please let him do his work...stay clear of his path
this is his recovery

after what i went through with my "recoverying" (and sneaky and a liar) NA, i say RUN FOR THE HILLS...its not worth it....he needs alot of work and help and healing ....give him that, and that ALONE...

my 2cents

dollydo

My suggestion: "Hands off the addict". Being sober while in jail/prison means nothing, and now he is following his parole requirements.

Added to that, you are just listening to his words, you can get drugs in jail, they are everywhere, you really know nothing about him except what he tells you.

You are playing with fire, if you don't want to get burned, I'd back off.

Trust your gut, it never lies.

lightseeker

I'm sure that as a nurse in a treatment facility you've had a lot of education about addiction and also boundaries.

I work in health care too and know that a relationship with a former patient in the facility where I work (whether it was direct care or not) is a slippery slope. It can be a "power over" position even if you don't ever mean it to me - and even take care for that not to happen.

Does your facility have guidelines about these sort of relationships? I know that mine does.

Everyone is right that it is a healthy guideline for a recovering substance abuser to remain out of a relationship for at least a year. I think that that is a good idea from the perspective of both parties.

So.....all of that is from the perspective of someone whose heart has not become caught up in the situation. I remember how those feelings felt and although I knew it was fraught with danger and difficulties I sought to figure out a way that things could work. We had an amazing connection, we were different, we were both committed. My then significant other (and now my husband) worked with counselors and participated in recovery programs. The counselors agreed that the only way for our relationship to work was for us BOTH to work strong recovery programs.

Fast forward 5 years......my husband worked a program for 16 months and then we married. A month later he stopped going to meetings. The last 5 years have pretty much been misery for me. The only thing that has been my salvation is that I have continued to work my own program. That has given me the strength to finally be able to leave a relationship that has been really unhappy for me.

I banked my life and my future on someone that I counted on to do the next right thing. I underestimated how difficult it can be to have a relationship with someone that has a history as a substance abuser. I wish that I had stepped back (been strong enought to step back) and see what he did for a year before I entwined my life with his. I thought that I had put plenty of safeguards and boundaries into place but I messed up badly....I was unable to stay strong...

Addicts (even sober ones) can be very manipulative and beguiling. Only you can chose what is right for you and the nice thing is that the rooms of Alanon/Naranon are there to support you no matter what you chose.

I know that it must be hard to hear what everyone is writing. I remember how I felt when everyone was telling me to run 6 years ago when I first started posting here. I already had jumped into the deep end - at least with my feelings. So...I understand what every it is that you chose except that I can say that I hope that your situation ends up with a happier ending than mine.

Hugs.

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR.......I'm glad you found us. There is a lot of collective wisdom on this forum and each person has personal experience to draw from.

My greatest concern from your post, as others have stated, is that a recovering addict really needs to be given the opportunity to evolve into the sober person they want to be and be able to concentrate on getting their life (and keeping it) on track. Love and new relationships, as wonderful and exciting as they are, can be very distracting from that goal. The excitement of new love can be as addicting as any substance.

There is no doubt in my mind that you know very well that you have allowed your heart to enter very dangerous territory. I pray that it works out ok for you. And we'll be here if it doesn't.

gentle hugs
ke

Tinks65

my two cents, my AS came home from 18 months of incarceration in August. He and I both talked about how the LAST thing he needed was a girlfriend. Well within a couple of weeks he had one, everything seemed fine. I was happy that she was a well adjusted girl with no history at all of drug use so i didn't really object too much. (didn't know then what I know now) Well that relationship didn't last because he wasn't really attracted to her, he just seems to NEED to have a girlfriend. Well within a couple of weeks of breaking up with her he reconnected with an old girlfriend ... I called him on it yet again, he agreed and said "she's just a friend" yeah right ... in the beginning of the relationship he was all about sharing his faith with her, talking about his recovery and how important his family, faith and future are to him yada, yada, yada ... she's a nice girl but is agnostic (his faith was the cornerstone of his recovery) I remember telling him that she would pull him away from his faith and his family ... and that is exactly what happened. He started spending more and more time with her, less with us, less at bible study .... she became his center and very shortly after that he relapsed .... He may very well have relapsed anyway but I'm just sayin .... he's a charming $%# ... I even tried to tell her. Her dad is an addict. I told her, Hey I love my son, but he's not the one for you. I told her any counselor worth anything would tell her to run away from my son. Ahh , she eventually took him in when we had confronted him and were trying to get him help. She ended up enabling him to use for another week and a half before she realized he had stolen $600 from her. She kicked him out and he ended up here asking for help. Now he is in a sober living house. I think she is still a part of his life. It's all so exhausting isn't it?? Truth is I would tell any girl to run away. Sometimes I wish i could, he's my child and I wish I could run away from him, how sad is that

loveforhorses

I want to thank everyone for their thoughts. It is a difficult and confusing situation has been in. I do want to say I have worked with addicts for a while and know that they are very charming people. I had never considered or even thought about getting involved with one prior to now... Well my exBF has been in recovery 7 years prior to us meeting. He was the first A or man in recovery I was every involved with. My relationship with him ended and I moved on. I can't explain why I feel drawn to my current boyfriend and why I have allowed my heart to get so attached to him. Am I a bit nervous?? yes I am. I do know that in some ways I am taking him at his word. But in some ways I know that when we meet he was clean as per his drug screen and he has taken ones since that were also clean. Maybe I am making excuses or seeing only what I want to see. Time will tell I guess since I don't want to walk away but will if the need arises.
I will continue to read posts on here as well as everyone's words of wisdom. Thnks for the support and caring and understanding

marie1960

yikes, wow, and ouch!!!! You are boarding the emotional roller coaster. I would find the emergency exit now. Let him concentrate on his recovery. Otherwise there can never be a healthy future for either of you. It's like playing with fire, and burns really are painful!!!!

hello-kitty

My first thought is: Good luck with that!

As a recovery nurse, you already have a lot of knowledge about what you are getting yourself into and the ethics involved with dating a "client". I hope you will apply it!

The wounded puppy dog syndrome, maybe? Codependency issues? Maybe some intense self-examination as to why you are attracted to sick men with addiction problems is in order. There is always an opportunity to learn and grow from the situations we get outselves into.

dollydo

When I was going to meetings, a large % of the ladies I met there were in the medical or social field. They were trained to "help" others and that spilled over to their personal life. Some were also trained in the field of addiction, yet could not apply their skills to their personal life. Found that interesting.

Hope this all works out for you.

hope213

welcome to S.R.!! if u have worked with addicts u know they can not b trusted. my son is serving 7yrs. he has served 3.. all clean as far as i know. they some times can b clean a long time while in prison but when my son comes home it is just the every day pressures of living on the outside that gets him. if u decide to continue seeing this man please take it slow & easy. let us know what u decide.

lightseeker

If you are like me you're just going to have to do what you have to do. My experience really has created a lot of problems in my life but the up side is that it really pulled me into working a strong recovery and getting some much needed counseling. I guess that that is what it took for me.

What are you doing to take care of yourself as you go down this road? Do you have a support system that understands who you are involved with? Have you made a list of the pros and cons of this situation and also....made a list of what you are seeking in a partnership. There are lots of people that we can love but are they the ones that we should be in a relationship with? Hopefully, you will always keep your finances separate. I did not and am paying the price for that. I did it all wrong - but I had faith in him and I felt some noble call to stand beside him.

Please never forget that we are here no matter what you decide to do with him....