meggie122

So this seems likr a silly question but what does a separation from an addicted spouse usually look like? We have been separated for awhile and I have Told him I love him and want things to work when he is healthy but see very little signs of change. He calls me and acts like nothing is wrong. I only call him to discuss child visitation. I am pretty cold to him, actually. I am very hurt by his continued drug use, affair, and the lies he has told about me. Anyway I hear people talk about separation for at least a year. But, other than working on my own recovery, which I am doing, what should my actions towards him be? Should I tell him I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive him and trust him again or just leave it at "I'm not coming home right now". I am not good at being direct. I guess I need to make up my mind and tell him. Just wondered if anyone here had some advice.

outtolunch

So he's an active addict, a liar and cheater.

Is he paying child support or is he a dead beat bio dad, too?

Working on our own recovery means focusing on what we control, ourselves.
You are not obligated to say anything. Have you considered silence is golden and taking the focus off him?

meggie122

No he isn't a dead beat. He is a good dad. Our finances are still mixed, which I think I am going to tell him I am separating my finaces soon. We have a mortgage and I don't want to see that go unpaid and my credit be turned upside down too. I want to sell the house and he wants to hold on to it.

meggie122

Silence is golden an tae the focus off him- yes I assumed that is what I am doing in a way, unless I am missing your point. I don't talk to him about his recovery, unless he brings it up. I don't ask questions. So since I am not talking he assumes everything is ok. Today he is out shopping for a used car that gets better gas mileage and I told him we can't afford another payment. He is convinced that we would be saving enough in gas to make it a wash. Why are we even talking about "we"? That is what I mean about not being direct. I dont have the guts to say "what we". There is no we. If there was a we and I felt like trust could be restored than I would move home. But I can't say that so I let him assume everything is going to be ok.

meggie122

Oh and to answer your question about recovery. He is on methadone so he is making slow changes and functioning. He has a good job.

outtolunch

Good to hear that he's taking care of business.

I am a real estate broker and can almost always tell when the sale involves a legal separation or divorce and one party wants to keep the house. It becomes unsellable because of condition and intentional filth, even with a court order.

An alternative is that if he's qualified, he might buy out your half of the house and then do with it as he likes. This gets your name off the title and mortgage, regardless ofwhat happens.

I woulod consult with an attorney because state laws vary. You need expert advice on how to best protect your assets and credit during a legal separation.

lightseeker

I agree with consulting an attorney. It will help you to come up with the best solution for you.

If you continue to work on your own recovery you will know in time what is best for you...and when to do it. It helped me to have a sponsor to run things by so I would definitely suggest that.

Separations from an addict don't look that different from anyone else - no matter what the circumstances we should be protecting our credit, our finances, our children. If your husband is in active addiction then you would need to up the protection.

A "good dad" is one that is not using drugs and cheating....so be cautious about giving him too much credit. It's hard not to buy into illusions but good dads just do not use drugs. They just don't. And as mother's we need to protect our kids from being around people that do use drugs - not just when they are using.

It sounds like you are heading in the right direction with separating out your finances. Once you do that then you can better focus on just you - if he gets into recovery and demonstrates the steps that he needs to take you will definitely know it...you won't have to guess.

It's hard to do what you are doing - and you will figure out what is best for you and your kids!

meggie122

My state makes no provisions to safeguard children from the emotional damage a parent can cause. If I divorce he gets visitation unless he has placed the child in danger or there is proof of neglect.

hello-kitty

Have you talked to a lawyer or did you research this on your own? I'd get a second opinion if I was you... about what constitutes neglect. Because if he's such a good father then there's no problem with him having visitation right?

Anyway, the problem is that he's not a great husband.

I'm confused. I think you are too.

What do you want Meggie? Do you know?

loveforhorses

I just wanted to make a comment about being in recoovery and on methadone. Methadone is used a lot to help with withdrawal however it is used long term and in high doses. A person who is on methadone goes through a really hard withdrawal from methadone which is actually worse then the withdrawal from the original substance. Just know that he may go through withdrawal again and have to be detoxed again to come off the methadone.

I think separation is a separation regardless. I would suggest that you separate your finances and living situations and then just take the time you need to completely research your options and get multiple opinions from lawyers etc, and to make sure you are ready for the next step whatever you decide it is. The decision needs to be made on your timeframe not on anyone elses. When you are ready you will know what the right path is and you will know how to do it.