New here ... wife of AH ... where to begin?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 3
New here ... wife of AH ... where to begin?
So glad I found this site. I have been reading your posts and it helps to not feel so alone. I am in the beginning stages of learning about my husbands addiction and have a few questions if any of you would be so kind to respond.
First a brief background of why I am now seeking answers. My husband and I have been married 13 years. Shortly after we were married I realized his occasional pot use was actually more often than I was comfortable with. It would come up every couple months, but I didn't think it was that much of a problem (denial). Fast forward to 3 years ago - he lost his job after failing a random drug test at work. He told me this was his eye opener, which I believed. About a month after that I discovered he had rekindled a high school romance "online" and was planning on taking things much further. At that point we started going to counseling ... didn't last long.
I have caught him hiding his pot smoking around the house and ask him about it when I can tell he's been using. He usually either apologizes or denies using. He knows I am getting really fed up with dishonesty and that I don't support ANY marijuana use. I believe his fear of how I may react led him to lie about his most recent screw up .....
About 3 weeks ago he was pulled over for speeding, he said they searched his car. I plain and simple asked if they found anything. He told me no. I believed him. AFter getting the mail yesterday I found a notice to appear in court for a pre-trial hearing for marijuana possession and drug paraphenalia.
He was arrested that day and was afraid to tell me.
After confronting him about this he was ashamed and didn't want to tell me. He is seeing a counselor from work and she has told him to start attending Narc-Anon meetings or else she doesn't see the point in their meetings.
I understand he has an addiction which has led him to lie to those he loves. I honestly don't understand how you can build a healthy marriage off of this kind of behavior. I want him to get better, but when do you say enough is enough? I feel like my "Leave it to Beaver" life has turned into a Dr. Phil episode. It's hard not to pass judgement on yourself and how you have allowed yourself to be treated.
I am not meaning to sound selfish, but for the sake of my children (ages8, 10) I need to start worrying about taking care of myself. I would appreciate any advice or input. I plan on going to a Nar-Anon meeting this Sunday, but would be grateful for any other tips for getting through this time. - C
First a brief background of why I am now seeking answers. My husband and I have been married 13 years. Shortly after we were married I realized his occasional pot use was actually more often than I was comfortable with. It would come up every couple months, but I didn't think it was that much of a problem (denial). Fast forward to 3 years ago - he lost his job after failing a random drug test at work. He told me this was his eye opener, which I believed. About a month after that I discovered he had rekindled a high school romance "online" and was planning on taking things much further. At that point we started going to counseling ... didn't last long.
I have caught him hiding his pot smoking around the house and ask him about it when I can tell he's been using. He usually either apologizes or denies using. He knows I am getting really fed up with dishonesty and that I don't support ANY marijuana use. I believe his fear of how I may react led him to lie about his most recent screw up .....
About 3 weeks ago he was pulled over for speeding, he said they searched his car. I plain and simple asked if they found anything. He told me no. I believed him. AFter getting the mail yesterday I found a notice to appear in court for a pre-trial hearing for marijuana possession and drug paraphenalia.
He was arrested that day and was afraid to tell me.
After confronting him about this he was ashamed and didn't want to tell me. He is seeing a counselor from work and she has told him to start attending Narc-Anon meetings or else she doesn't see the point in their meetings.
I understand he has an addiction which has led him to lie to those he loves. I honestly don't understand how you can build a healthy marriage off of this kind of behavior. I want him to get better, but when do you say enough is enough? I feel like my "Leave it to Beaver" life has turned into a Dr. Phil episode. It's hard not to pass judgement on yourself and how you have allowed yourself to be treated.
I am not meaning to sound selfish, but for the sake of my children (ages8, 10) I need to start worrying about taking care of myself. I would appreciate any advice or input. I plan on going to a Nar-Anon meeting this Sunday, but would be grateful for any other tips for getting through this time. - C
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
First of all, Welcome to SR!! I'm so glad you found us! I look forward to getting to know you better!!
There is nothing selfish about taking care of yourself. You have to protect yourself from the financial, legal, and emotional fall-out of your husband's addiction. Your kids need one stable, healthy, consistent parent. They need you to be your healthiest and happiest.
You didn't cause your husband's addiction. you can't control it. You can't cure it. The only person you can control is YOU. The only life you can influence is your own (and, by extension, your children's).
I know how hard it is.
I can totally relate. The thing is, you can change course any time you want. That's the GOOD news!!
Welcome again!!
Originally Posted by para1974 
I am not meaning to sound selfish, but for the sake of my children (ages8, 10) I need to start worrying about taking care of myself.
You didn't cause your husband's addiction. you can't control it. You can't cure it. The only person you can control is YOU. The only life you can influence is your own (and, by extension, your children's).
I know how hard it is.
I feel like my "Leave it to Beaver" life has turned into a Dr. Phil episode. It's hard not to pass judgement on yourself and how you have allowed yourself to be treated.
Welcome again!!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Hi, sorry that you are facing this.
To be honest, there is nothing you can do, he is an addict, and, addicts lie and lie somemore. For many, even if they find recovery, the lying continues, it is also a habit.
Your children must be your priorty, they hear and see everything and this is not a healthy enviorment for them.
If it were me, I would start putting some money in my own name a jic fund. I would continue to go to meetings and keep reading and posting here.
As for him, he is an adult, it is up to him to seek recovery, this is his problem to resolve.
Please don't think that the arrest will be the cure all, because it doesn't work that way, soon as he is off the hook, unless in recovery, he will go back to using...it is the nature of the bird.
I would sit back, pay attention to his actions, and, put no creadance in his words.
To be honest, there is nothing you can do, he is an addict, and, addicts lie and lie somemore. For many, even if they find recovery, the lying continues, it is also a habit.
Your children must be your priorty, they hear and see everything and this is not a healthy enviorment for them.
If it were me, I would start putting some money in my own name a jic fund. I would continue to go to meetings and keep reading and posting here.
As for him, he is an adult, it is up to him to seek recovery, this is his problem to resolve.
Please don't think that the arrest will be the cure all, because it doesn't work that way, soon as he is off the hook, unless in recovery, he will go back to using...it is the nature of the bird.
I would sit back, pay attention to his actions, and, put no creadance in his words.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R. i am so happy u have found us. there is nothing selfish about wanting a better life for yourself & your children. the first step is admitting there is a problem & wanting to do something about it. addiction is like any other sickness it has to b treated everyday. it never gets well only better. i am glad u r going to a meeting. keep coming back here also. we r addicted to the addict & we have to learn how to take care of ourself. prayers for u & your family.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello para, and Welcome to SR!
I'm glad you found us!! It sounds to me as though you are learning that you need to take care of yourself and your children--Brava!! We women are often so conditioned to be the ones to "make things work" to our own detriment.
One thing we learn here and in the face-to-face meetings of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (AA and NA are for the addicts), is something we call the 3C's (outonalimb mentioned them in her post).
We did not cause the addiction.
We cannot control the addict.
We cannot cure the addict.
I hope you will stick around, keep reading, keep learning about this disease called addiction. Again, welcome!
HG
I'm glad you found us!! It sounds to me as though you are learning that you need to take care of yourself and your children--Brava!! We women are often so conditioned to be the ones to "make things work" to our own detriment.
One thing we learn here and in the face-to-face meetings of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (AA and NA are for the addicts), is something we call the 3C's (outonalimb mentioned them in her post).
We did not cause the addiction.
We cannot control the addict.
We cannot cure the addict.
I hope you will stick around, keep reading, keep learning about this disease called addiction. Again, welcome!
HG
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Sulphur, LA
Posts: 49
Unfortanatley I have found even when they are not using they lie. I don't know if it just becomes a habit or what. I have also found jail time or getting arrested doesn't matter to them after awhile. My husband is facing 4 1/2 years in jail if he gets in trouble again. They gave him 3 years of home incarceration no drinking or drugs and if he messed up he would spend the 4 1/2 years they had suspended. He has already been arrested 3 times for public intoxication since his home incarceration started and he spent another 90 days in jail. His PO tried to revoke his probation but the judge has given him one last chance. He is still using, still lying and does not stay home. I can't say or do anything to make him see that if he goes to jail the kids and I would be homeless as at this time I am unable to work.
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