Suspicious

I moved out last weekend. My AH had decided to get off the pills in Feb of this year. I didnt ask him to and I still dont know what prompted this. I saw him go thru wd's for 5 days and saw him progressively return to the land of the living over the next couple months. I had asked him once during this why he didnt ever try to stop before this and he said he was afraid he wouldnt be able to work with the pain and he thought he needed them to control the pain. I had warred with myself for so long wondering if he did or did not hurt. He told me that when he was on the pills he would say his pain lever was a constant 7 with spikes higher on bad days. He said his pain level off them was none unless he overdid it which OTC meds controlled. So I let myself believe that he hadnt made the cross to addicted but was dependent (or thought he was). Then I started seeing some old behaviors... my radar kicked in like it had never been turned off... staying up after I went to bed, sleeping with no covers, being more informed of his brother and other family members drug issues, keeping cash in his wallet and not being upfront to what he earned on side jobs. So about 2 wks into this pattern I asked him to take a test. He acted all offended for a couple days, admitted to taking A pain pill because of a nasty fall and continued to deny any pattern of use. When I advised him that the test I had wasnt a pee test but a hair test his reaction was pure guilty 'what the crap do I do now'! I told him I was done and would be gone in 3 days. I think he thought I was bluffing, that I would have a heck of a time putting all my clothes away and pictures back on the walls. He took our youngest to our camper for the weekend and came home to a 1/2 empty house and money gone from our joint checking acct. I knew he was getting a big check this month for bonus and all bills were paid up so I felt entitled to it. Even here I feel the need to justify that. I have been gone 1 week today. Staying at my Moms for the time being. I have an apartment lined up for the 1st of Aug. It isnt ready yet and they will hold it for me with a deposit. I dont want to move in with just enough money and then be working for next months rent. I want to start out ahead of the game. I sent in paperwork to get child support established. I am calling our insurance co tomorrow to have my car be billed to me as our pol was auto drafted and I doubt he will put money in that account or think to call them to change the billing. I miss him like crazy and sometimes wish I wasnt so analytical. But I keep doing what needs to be done and I am sometimes surprised at how thorough I am being to do this right. I am not gonna lie... I still secretly hope for my happily ever after with him. But I am committing to a separation for 1 year. I havent even told him that this could be temporary. Just like he hasnt told me the truth about his use. I hope my secret doesnt keep me as sick as his does for him.

I realized from reading an old post that I have been on SR for over 2 years.

lightseeker

wow.....powerful stuff you are doing and I'm sending you big hugs and lots of support. I have to leave for work in a sec but will check in later tonight. Just wanted to let you know that I read what you wrote and know what you are going through. I moved out 2 1/2 weeks ago and my husband never thought that I would do it. More later - sending you warm thoughts.

dollydo

You sound strong and your analytical mind is guiding you to do the right thing for you and your children.

Sit back and watch his actions over the next year, and then make an informed decision for your future with or without him.

We are here for you.

outonalimb

((((((((suspicious)))))))

Hooray for you for putting your needs and the needs of your kids first.
I know its hard. It's damn hard. But nothing changes if nothing changes.

Keep moving forward! You're doing great!!

Callie

Yay Suspicious! Glad you finally took the leap to a great beginning to the rest of your life. It is hard, it is daunting, but living with addiction sucks the life out of you. Spend this time working on YOUR life and YOUR future!

devastated

Wow, I'm impressed at how methodical you are! Good for you. Bet he becomes a believer now. You are setting a great example to those that think they cannot DO IT!

Who knows, he may just come to his senses when he knows you mean business.

I for one am proud of you.

Hugs, Devastated

Suspicious

Thanks everyone for all the encouragement! I really need it right now. For a few years now I didnt know if I was ready to make this move... as a way to show I mean business or just to make a final cut out of a bad situation. All that uncertainty took a flying leap once the possibility of 'dependent on meds' was replaced with 'he just likes them'. I thought I was scared before??? That flipping terrified me. I am sure he is still on the lightweight stuff so I thought if hitting him with the consequences of loosing his family has a snowballs chance of making him get serious about recovery it would be now rather than later. Either way I cant imagine how sick I would make myself with my searching and trying to fix this if I stayed with someone I now completely believe is an addict.

devastated

WOW! GOOD THINKING!

Hugs, Devastated

lightseeker

wow....your thinking is really complete and on target. I understand about wondering about your secret. But...it really isn't a secret. It's an opportunity for you to see if he is going to do the next right thing for the right reasons. I spent 6 years with my husband working on his stuff in a 1/2 hearted way because I had made that one of my boundaries for staying in a relationship with him. Neither of us ended up in a good situation because of it. I wish that he had worked (or not worked) a program based on whether he wanted it for himself and not as reason for us to be together.

Even now after I have left....my husband is at times saying that he is going to work a program so that I can see how much he wants to be with me. What he doesn't get is that what I really want is a partner that works a recovery for himself - not just to stay with me.

I know how hard it is to do what you are doing because I am doing it too. I flucuate between a number of different feelings. I'm looking forward to one day in the future when this is just a part of my past.

Sending you warm thoughts.