meggie122

I have been separated from AH for 6 weeks. He is on methadone. We are meeting with a counselor to have a "discussion" on Sunday as we cannot talk without a third party. I know I need to be more firm with him and let him know my boundaries and what I expect. He says he wants to change. He expresses deep guilt he feels for his actions, but his thinking is still very unhealthy and he has not shown me any reason to trust him or even start to trust him. Remorse does not equate willingness to change. I have compassion for him. But I also hate who he is and what he has done to me and our family. Anyway, I want to be sure I have everything written down as to what I want to say to him. And some of the things I wanted opinions from some healthy thinkers!

Most importantly I want him to know that I am choosing a healthy life for myself, which means I am surrounding myself with healthy individuals who I trust. He can join me in living a healthy life if he wants to. It's his choice.

Second I want him to know that he is going to have to prove to me that I can trust him again since he has hurt me so deeply. The burden of proof is on him and he will have to figure out how he show me with actions, not words, that he is trustworthy. But a good start would be getting a new job (since he has done drugs with co-workers and cheated with a co-worker which he has not admitted to).

Third I expect him to be open and honest about everything and I will not accept half truths that he has given me like "doing alot of stupid things with a girl, but i didn't have sex with her." That's ******** and I won't accept it. I need him to be open, honest and direct and I will do the same thing with him.

He keeps asking when I am coming home because it hurts him to be away from our son. I need him to be patient to allow time for healing and change. I want him to know that a lengthy separation is the only way for the relationship to even possibly work and for change to truly take hold. I look at it like moving into a home before all the work is finished. Somehow you get comfortable with those baseboards that haven't been painted and forget about them and the unfinished business is never completed. Statistics show that the longer the separation the more likely the relationship will last.

I want him to know that my love for him is not an emotion and I do not need affection to know that I love him. I do not think AH has any understanding of true love, as everyone in his childhood and life has hurt him.

I also want him to know that the hurt he says I caused him is real to him, even though it is not justified and I understand that now. But it was created in his head by his inability to trust (and I will give him an example of his mother and her inability to trust and the realness of situations she creates) and that he needs therapy, not just NA, to begin to trust.

I also want him to know, although I"m not sure this is appropriate of me to say, that this guilt he keeps telling me he feels is going to eat him up. That he cannot recover if he holds on to guilt, that he must allow his higher power to heal him and turn his guilt into remorse and true repentance.

I also want to tell him that since he won't move out of our home so that my son and I can move in that I am no longer going to help him pay for the bills. I am going to separate my finances and I will pay the mortgage until it is sold or rented so that my credit is unaffected.

any thoughts are welcome. thanks for reading.

dollydo

To be honest, if he has not complied to your needs in the past, the chance of it happening in the future are slim and none. There is more to addiction than just using. Behaviors continue, even when not using.

He has made it clear, he would rather be comfortable than do the right thing, let you and your son stay in the home.

As for him being guilty...he's playing you...more words that do not mean a thing...actions speak for themselves.

On top of all this, he is a cheater, a totally unrelated issue. I sure hope that you are going to meetings and working on you.

As for telling him he can live a healthy lifestyle with you if he chooses to this is just opening the door for more problems, let him prove himself, leave it at that. Of coarse, he will agree "That is what I want, a healthy lifestyle", more verbage that means nothing.

Where in all of this are your bounderies to protect you and your child?

outtolunch

What's to stop him from continuing to live in your home, without paying a cent? He has absolutely no incentive to vacate.

outtolunch

These sound more like attempts to control him/ultimatums than boundaries you have established for yourself.

Sounds like you want him to change everything about himself and be someone else.

Tigers don't change their stripes.

MissTara

All I hear in your post is that *you want him to hear* *you want him to know* *you expect him to do this*

What about the things you want from yourself or expect from yourself to do for you and your son?

Your expecting a lot from your AH, and I think that if you put your energy in expecting more from yourself that you would get better results....

Take care of you and your son....

meggie122

Well I just don't know what to do. I thought I was doing a good job detaching and worrying only about me and my recovery. His unwillingness to change and be accountable just hurts me even more. you are right he says he wants to change and be with his family, but I am not seeing it. So right now things are just left at we will work things out if he is changing and I guess I have to tell him that things just aren't working. I'm losing hope for him and our relationship.