SomeoneSomwhere

I recently started seeing a guy who got out of jail a few months ago. He went in for unarmed robbery of a bank. He comes from a troubled past. Both parents are addicts. Both have been clean/sober for several years. It was his own addiction to cocaine that landed him in jail most recently for two years. He got clean/sober in jail, earned his degree & discovered a passion for cooking. He hasn't touched coke since he's been out, hasn't touched a single drug, has no desire to. He wants to make a better life for himself and since being out he has. He'd dumped his old friends, he's got a good job, his own place...he said the past two years he spend in jail he participated in every education/career training and drug recovery program he could. He has absolutely no desire, urge or craving for drugs anymore. He moved out of the old place he was living because his roommate was using and he wanted no part in it. We've been at parties where there was drugs/alcohol and he didn't touch any of it. He is truly turning his life around...

I'm not the kind of person to hold someone's past against them. He is a good guy. He has had a troubled past but he is bettering himself and his future. I really like him. He's really intelligent, affectionate and loyal...he got caught up in the wrong scene. He didn't have great role models. He's older now, wiser and he knows that he never wants to go back to jail. Since drugs is what led him down a path of destruction in the first place, he would never touch that again. The way he talks about it, and the way his life used to be you can tell he has more then enough willpower and desire to never go near it again...so what I'm saying is I KNOW he's not doomed to repeat his past.

His past doesn't bother me, not really. However, my family/friends do not feel the same way. They think he is a bad person, in fact my family doesn't know about the fact that he's spent time in jail, as I know they would not accept him as a part of my life if they did know. I know it probably sounds as tho I'm being self-destructive but I'm not. He is NOT a bad person, it was the drugs that made him the way he used to be. If he touches cocaine I walk away...but I know that won't be a problem.

But my question is...am I really getting myself in to deep here? I don't want to walk away. He makes me really happy and I don't think it's right to hold someones past against them. I'm 22 years old and an adult but sometimes my family can be VERY over-bearing and I know they won't feel the way I do about him... so my question is basically...should I just not tell them about his past? And am I right in not holding that against him? He hasn't touched cocaine in three years or any other drug.

laurie6781

First I have to ask how long was he in prison? 3 years?

What is he doing for his recovery, besides just not using? Is he seeing a counselor or going to NA? If he is not 'working' on his recovery in any way that is a BIG RED FLAG.

You are young, you are getting yourself in something I don't believe you can handle. Addiction gets a hold on a person and does not let go. It requires a lot of hard work.

This man has only been out of prison a few months. Does he have a job? Does he have an education (it is needed more and more in today's world to survive)? It takes a lot to re-acclimate into today's world, he has NOT done that in just a few months.

You won't like this answer, but at this point I have to agree with your parents. At 22 you do not need this type of relationship. You don't have to 'hold his past against him' but be very aware with an addict, their past is liable to repeat itself. If you don't believe me, go read in the alcohol forums and the substance abuse forums.

I speak to you from his side of the street, as I was a 'practicing alcoholic and drug user' for over 24 years, before finding recovery 30 years ago. I am also a long standing member in Alanon, because in early recovery (the first 10 years or so) I continued to gravitate toward other A's.

Please for your own sanity and peace and serenity, rethink this relationship, before you are in so deep, you cannot get out without a lot of personal hurt and pain.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Ann

The decision of what you want for your future is entirely up to you.

That said, my suggestion would be to go slow and let time and his actions show you his sincerity to stay clean. A couple of months out of jail isn't long. For both your sakes I hope he is telling you the truth and that he stays clean.

And maybe take a good read around here so you know what you may or may not be dealing with.

Wishing you wisdom and courage, you may need both.

Hugs

dollydo

His words mean nothing, you really have no idea whether he is using or not. He is telling you that he has no urge to use, I have heard that B/4, my exabf was in prison for 16 months, he stayed clean about 60 days after he got out, mostly because his parole called for urine tests and AA meetings, soon as he was totally released back he went to drugs.

To me, you are playing with fire, and not being honest with your family, is a big mistake. They deserve total honesty from you. Codies like us, like to play lets pretend, to cover up, all this does is further isolate us from those who care the most about us.

There is no cure for his addiction, it is just a matter of whether he is using or not. This disease will test him all the rest of his life, and, the tenacles of dealing with an addct reach far and wide.

I would tread very slowly, you are young, whats the hurry to hook up with him?

Don't let your "Love" for him to interfer with your common sense, think with your head, not your heart.

Spend some time reading other posts, may open up your eyes!

Take care of you,

Kindeyes

It is always nice to have an open mind and open heart but it's smart to use caution as well.

Time will tell whether you are right or you are wrong. No one here can tell the future. Many here will speak out of their own experience with addiction. Many have seen their loved ones promise to get or stay clean and sober only to watch them fall victim to their addiction again.

I truly pray that your friend has the personal conviction and is working a program to help him stay clean and sober.

gentle hugs
ke

Babyblue

Maybe the key is to not take this relationship so seriously until he has proven he has a solid stable life without drugs (and crime).

It is a lot to take on but sounds like he is making a sincere effort. Your family is only trying to protect you from any fallout if he uses again. A few months in the 'regular' world hasn't really tested him yet.

Jail is a very controlled environment. Life outside has different stressors and if he cannot cope, he may use again. That is the reality of addiction. Be in his life if you care about him but hold off on getting so serious until he has some real drug free living under his belt, that would be my input

hurtbeyondbelie

Someonesomwhere:
I def. have to agree with the posts above me, please tread carefully. When I started dating my ex-boyfriend I was 23 years old. I just recently found out about his cocaine and alochol addiction. He was older than I was but that didn't bother me, at the time. It sounds like your friend may be older than you as well. The issue isn't the age difference, its that addicts can be very convincing. I don't know a lot about addiction, but I am learning now. One thing is you are aware of his past. I wasn't and didn't find out until five years later. Just keep your eyes open and be careful. I don't want anyone to go through what I have been dealing with.

tjp613

I was reading some of your old posts and am wondering how your own sobriety is coming along?

outtolunch

Where did you meet Mr. Wonderful?

SomeoneSomwhere

He has been out for 10 months. So I suppose a "few months" wasn't the correct wording. So he has been clean for almost a year since getting out of prison. He goes to NA meetings, he's in an outpatient drug treatment program & he's taking a life skills class. Basically it's for ex convicts, teachers them about drug addiction, coping skills, ways to reaffirm ties with normal society. He is currently living in a sober home where he is tested every week, he gets kicked out if he isn't clean. The reason he moved to sober house was because his old roommates were using and he didn't want to associate himself with that. I think that answers most of the questions people had...

As for the person who cam off as overly sarcastic and a little rude and in my opinion doesn't necessarily deserve a reply, I met him through a mutual friend who I've known for years and very much trust. I know he wouldn't set me up with someone who was going to be bad for me. He's know this guy for years and says he can tell that he really wants to turn his life around and he's a very different person then he used to be. And that when he sets his mind to something he can and will accomplish it.

They say you don't kick a habit until you hit rock bottom. Robbing a bank to get your next fix and then ending up in jail for two years because it ? That's a pretty big low, and for him it was rock bottom. As an alcoholic whose been sober for 8 months (Kind of minus one relapse) I don't think I have any right to judge someone for what they've done in their past. And yes every day is a struggle, I understand that because I've been on the other side of it. But I know how hard it is, and I was lucky enough to have a lot of social support.
I know this all sounds bad, but I don't know. We are taking things slow. I've made it clear that I'm not ready for a relationship and I limit myself to seeing him only once a week and we're both busy with our jobs and other friends as well...but it is getting more serious and there is a serious attraction there and I do not think it's fair to hold his past against him...

Can anyone here say that every addict/ex convict it a bad person? I'm sure most would agree that's NOT the case. I understand this is something he will always struggle with, I do but that doesn't mean he doesn't deserve a chance. Especially when he IS trying to hard to turn his life around.

And to be honest my own recovery has been easier since meeting him. I've been happier and I've found someone I can talk to about addiction that really understands where I'm coming from & I think someone asked if he drinks, he doesn't. He never had a problem with alcohol but prefers to abstain from substances all together.

lightseeker

I understand how attraction develops and how incredible it feels to have someone understand - and to offer that same understanding back.

I have no ability or room to ever tell someone what to do becuase I have done exactly what I wanted to do even in the face of EVERYONE telling me to walk away from a man. I have learned a lot though and one of the things is that you are only as sick as your secrets...any secrets that you are keeping from anyone.

Congrats on getting into recovery. What is your sponsor saying about all of this? I know that my mind can get me pretty crazy and making risky decisions so I've found that surrounding myself with solid recovery people/sponsor really makes a huge difference. I don't have to take their advice but they can help me to see pitfalls and explore different ways to handle a situation.

People CAN change and do deserve a second chance after they have earned it. Trust is something that is not given- it is earned. When people have made bad choices it is just going to take a longer time to regain that trust. I've had to learn that the hard way. I gave my husband a chance and believed in him because I had a similar mind set to yours. In hindsight, I wish that I had been stronger about not getting as close to him without a longer time to evaluate his commitment to sobriety and recovery. He has remained sober but stopped meetings/recovery. Living with a dry drunk/addict is horrible. You can never predict what someone will do but a long track record (more than 1 year) is a step in the right direction.

I know that my husband and I chose one another in early recovery (we married when he had been sober for 16 months). I've worked my own recovery and it turns out that we have significant issues now that we are 5-6 years on down the line. I kept doing the deal and he stopped. We have grown apart and I am now living in another house. I wish that I had given it more time prior to making life changing decisions. It would not have hurt anything....I could have loved him, been involved with him, but I did not need to combine my life with him.

Only you can decide what is right for you. The fact that you are posting about this shows that a part of you has some concerns while maybe even a bigger part of you wants to give him a chance. You are smart to reach out, think it out, ask questions. It's always good to lean into recovery when you are at a crossroads and especially when you are getting involved with another person -in particular someone that does have a lot of ex's attached to him (convict/addict). None of those mean that he can't change his life and be a different person - it just means that there is a lot of work that he needs to do.

Sending you warm thoughts....

Kindeyes

The additional information was helpful to see that he is working a program. That is encouraging.

My daughter is about your age....well close.....she's 25. She is living with a young man whom she has been with now for three years. Up until the age of 25 he spent more time in jail than out (his words). He has a felony (grand theft auto). He filed bankruptcy. And he's a former drug dealer (marijuana). He wants to marry her.

I sat down with her and explained that everything he is and was.....she becomes if she marries him. And that I'm ok if she chooses to have a committed relationship with him without the bond of marriage. It keeps their pasts separate. It keeps her future her own. I explained that I would be very remiss as her mother if I didn't talk to her about this and that I love her and she's a smart girl and is capable of making her own life choices. I will accept her choices.

He's a great guy. I really like him. He treats her well. She loves him. And I pray that everything is ok. He talks about wanting to get married. She tells him she's very happy with their current arrangement.

I share this with you because people can change. And they can also "change back". My daughter is happy right now. I love her. I love her boyfriend. If he changes and she has to get out of the relationship, she can without legal entanglements. Her credit is still great. She is living in today and enjoying the relationship. If it ever changes (or if he goes back to his "old ways"), she has a plan B and she can come out of it "intact".

I admire my daughters strength to continually tell him "no" when he brings up the issue of marriage. She knows that her father and I don't judge her. She knows that we accept her boyfriend and don't judge him. But she is being prudent. And that's just smart.

I hope this helps you understand how one young woman is approaching a committed relationship with a man with a "past" with caution on her side.

gentle hugs
ke

laurie6781

Reading your response concerns me even more about you:

No you are not 8 months sober, you are only sober from your last drink. Are you working any program at all, AA, SMART, etc

It is usually recommended by not only AA, Rehab, and other programs, that NO MAJOR CHANGES THE FIRST YEAR, unless something is affecting your sobriety, and that includes NO NEW RELATIONSHIPS.

Why, because when we have someone new in our life in that first year it TAKES AWAY from own recovery and our CONCENTRATION on working ON OURSELVES.

You need to be focused on YOUR OWN RECOVERY, not another A, who is living in a Sober Living House "where he is tested every week." I am sure as a condition of his parole.

I would suspect this is also a 'condition of his parole.'

No one can say what another's 'bottom' is. However, for me I had to literally die to get sober and that was over 30 years ago.

Stand back, watch his 'recovery' from afar, and see if his actions match his words a year out of the Sober Living Facility and a year AFTER he is off of parole.

Of course it has been 'easier'. You haven't been concentrating on your OWN RECOVERY and more on him. Do you have a sponsor or a counselor? This would best be discussed with one SOON.

As to your parents, of course they are very worried. You are in EARLY RECOVERY and are choosing someone who is taking you away from the HARD WORK required to obtain and maintain sobriety.

Continuous recovery is the hardest damn thing you will ever attempt and it is so important, in the first year to acquire every tool you can to help to continue to LIVE SOBER.

J M H O based on my own experiences and others that I have sponsored for the last 30 years of continuous sobriety.

Love and hugs,

hello-kitty

trust your instincts. They don't lie. It must be sending you red flags or you wouldn't be posting here.

tjp613

Someone - I've seen this happen on this board hundreds of times.

You really had made up your mind about him before you posted the thread. Maybe you only wanted 'permission' or for us to validate your choices but have been disappointed in the replies?

You've gotten some of the best wisdom SR F&F has to share but yet you stubbornly defend your original position.

That is absolutely fine!!! It's your one precious life and you get to choose!!!

Fandy

Hi SS;

i thought i remembered you from last year, and went back to read your postings to be sure i did not mix you up with someone else.

you have had a very hard year both physically and mentally....i'm glad you are sober now.

you have to ask yourself why you cannot tell the truth to your family...

I think you should keep this relationship at arm's length until you both have at least a firm grasp on individual recovery.

MissTara

Someonesomewhere,

I was with my addict-fiance for 8 years, re-lapses and all. When I ended the relationship and he left our house he went and robbed a bank. He will be released next month. I have not been in a relationship with him since he has been gone for the last 5 years, however I had visited him twice and spoke to him on the phone.

Everything he said sounded good, he does not want to be in prison again ever, he will not ever touch drugs again ect.... He also got a few degrees or whatnot there, and attended meetings and schooling, even got his GED.

Well, he fessed up for no apparent reason a few months ago and said he had been using the whole time he has been there. What a shocker....NOT.

I hope your boyfriend stays on the right path, and it is possible that he will, but I feel as well that your own recovery should come first. I hope also that your decisions come easy for you....

Time4Me1

Read my posts!!

Ann

Someone, I don't think anyone here means to sound harsh. It's the situation that can be harsh.

The bottom line is some addicts get clean and stay clean, some don't.

You know the risk, you are an adult and can make up your own mind.

I think all anyone here is trying to tell you is to be very careful. Historically, situations like yours bring a lot of grief to those who get too involved. Doesn't mean yours will end that way.

Whatever you choose for your future, we're walking with you.

Hugs

lightseeker

amen to that....the amazing thing about this forum is that no matter what you chose you can count on support and understanding as time goes on.

I chose to marry my addict when all of the responses here were to run from him. Not one "I told you so" has come my way....only compassion and support as my life has unfolded.

Hugs....