detach

Hi-

my ex has been clean now for 16 months. A year ago he left me and our 2 year old daughter to find himself. Needless to say i was devastated. During his time away he has stayed clean however he has taken it upon himself to befriend many of the newcomer women in his na program. I know that there have been a few of them that have actually stayed with him at his house for a short length of time. It has taken me a very long time to detach from him for myself and not care who he chooses to befriend but for the most part i am doing a great job. Currently, i am having problems detaching from him when it comes to our daughter. When he sees her i want to know who he is with and where they are going. He agreed to this and I have recently learned he has been lying to me. I know he loves our daughter and would not want to hurt her but i feel extremely uncomfortable and worried everytime he has her. Not only because of the people he has befriended but also because he is still a bit irresponsible when it comes to watching her. How do i detach from this situation? Am i being unreasonable wanting to know who he is with and what they are doing when he has our daughter? She is 2.

Chino

Lying is bad, whatever his reason. Is your daughter in danger?

detach

I don't believe he will ever let anyone do drugs around our daughter. However he tends to get distracted very easily. i.e. he will be at a carnival and see a game he wants to play and run over to it and then turn around and tell her to come over to him. Or he will be at one of his NA events and go off to play cards leaving her with ppl who aren't playing. he sees her one day a week for 8 hrs. Knowing how he is with her when he's by himself makes me uncomfortable. Knowing there is someone with him makes me even more uncomfortable. I try to think let go and let god but its extremely difficult.

detach

oh and he's 45...not some young teenager

suki44883

You call this man your ex. Is he your ex-husband or ex-boyfriend? Do you have a formal visitation schedule regarding your daughter? Your daughter's safety is the most important issue here. When he has visitation with her, it should be time spent with her, doing things with her, giving his attention to her. Not off playing cards while someone else watches her.

I would say that if you don't have a legal visitation schedule set up, that you get one set up sooner rather than later. What he does any other time is none of your business, but when he has your daughter, it most certainly is your business, and I would do whatever necessary to make sure that these visits are in her best interest, not just something he's doing so he can say he spends time with his daughter.

detach

he is my ex-boyfriend and we do not have any sort of legalized visitation plan. i was hoping we could avoid it. he has threatened to take me to court several times saying there are stipulations and that because he pays child support he is entitled to every other weekend and alternate holidays - i'm not so sure. At any rate it's good to know that i am not being "crazy" by wanting to know whats going on when he has her. thanks for your comments

suki44883

Well, he's right in that those are the standard visitation settings, however, if the two of you can work out an amicable deal the court will usually grant it. Is he paying the standard child support or just giving you what he can when he can? Again, the welfare of your daughter is the most important issue. I believe it's always preferable to have a legal agreement. Even with one, you two can still vary it so long as you both agree. When it becomes handy is when one parent tries to take advantage. Then you have legal basis to say no, we'll do it this way.

hello-kitty

Is it acceptable to you that he lies to you about what's happening when he's responsible for your daughter? What's your boundary for this kind of behavior? Lying is completely unacceptable to me so I take a hard line. I just won't put up with it. Period.

My boundary when it comes to my son is this:

I will not accept lying dishonest behavior when it comes to my child. Therefore, if anyone lies to me when it comes to the whereabout or whoabouts of my child, they will not be allowed around him.

Telll him to take it to a lawyer if he doesn't like it. That's standard. Homemade, unenforceable visitation guidelines are not. Especially when it comes to someone that can't be trusted.

And in the meantime, document everything. Every. Little. Thing.

islandcat

Are you sure he is clean? You can arrange because of his background that he has supervised visits, that way you know your child is safe. I would definately seek advice regarding that. It would make you feel better and your child will be safer. Good luck in your plans and seek out whatever sources you can to advise you in what to do.

detach

I am pretty confident that he is clean. He attends meetings regularly - however his "addict" behaviors have changed very very little i.e. lying, being ungrateful, unreliable...etc.
I am hoping that if we do go to court that he will be ordered supervised visits only. That would definitely make me feel more comfortable. I would take the initiative myself but I'm afraid the judge would give him the alternating weekends/holidays and overnight stays.
Also, money is tight and i really can't afford an attorney.

He is supposed to see her for a few hours this evening. If he shows up to get her I am going to make it clear (without yelling) that if I find out he is lying to me when he has her that I am not going to let him see her again until a judge makes me. I know it's going to make him mad but I really need to start putting my foot down.

Cyranoak

Wow. This is a tough one.

My thoughts are with you.

Cyranoak

hello-kitty

Good. Both you and your daughter deserve to be treated with respect and truthfulness. My ex was a pathological liar when he was using AND when he was sober. That's just who he was. And I wasn't going to do anything that encouraged him to model that kind of behavior for our child. I didn't want my child learning how to lie from his father.

My ex never did get a lawyer. Eventually he just got back on drugs and went away. Sad but his choice.

marie1960

You are the mama and it is just normal and natural to worry. It is human instinct. Your baby will be 30 years old one day, and you will still be worrying. Supervised visitations may be the best way to proceed. Always trust your maternal instincts, get the next available court date, ASAP. All the best to you.

detach

Seriously, everyone's comments and support have made me feel so much better about my feelings and behavior. I have found detachment to not only be difficult but extremely confusing at times. I'm never sure if I am trying to control the uncontrollable or if i'm taking a stand and setting reasonable boundaries. I am so happy I have found this board. Additionally, does anyone know of any online nar-anon meetings? there is only one nar-anon meeting in my area and it is 45 minutes away and at 8:00 at night so it is difficult to attend on a regular basis.