How to detach?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2
How to detach?
My 19 yr old daughter stormed out of the house last Sunday and went right to her methadone addict boyfriend. She had been lying about going to work. Instead she had been taking my car and going to her boyfriends house to get high instead. It is when she was finally caught that she left. I suspect she is taking his methadone but I have no proof other than her erratic mood swinging, body twitches and overall withdrawl symptoms. Since leaving here she has blown off work and run out of money. I need to know how to detach myself from feeling responsible and guilty for HER choice. My instinct tells me to run in and save her and although I know that will do no good, I feel I am failing as a parent by sitting on the sidelines while an addiction takes over. I am angry and I am sad.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,907
Welcome to SR, jensense. You will find a lot of support here. 
It's very hard to watch our loved ones make such bad choices and yes, our instinct as parents is to swoop in and "fix" everything. Unfortunately, we can't always do that. The best way for her to learn from her mistakes is to face the consequences of her actions. If we are always cleaning up their messes, they will never learn.
I hope you'll take the time to read the stickie (permanent) posts at the top of this forum. There is so much good information there. Drug addiction is so insidious, but we are here to support you and help you get to a better place regardless of the decisions your daughter makes. Hope you'll stick around and do a lot of reading and posting. Again, welcome.
It's very hard to watch our loved ones make such bad choices and yes, our instinct as parents is to swoop in and "fix" everything. Unfortunately, we can't always do that. The best way for her to learn from her mistakes is to face the consequences of her actions. If we are always cleaning up their messes, they will never learn.
I hope you'll take the time to read the stickie (permanent) posts at the top of this forum. There is so much good information there. Drug addiction is so insidious, but we are here to support you and help you get to a better place regardless of the decisions your daughter makes. Hope you'll stick around and do a lot of reading and posting. Again, welcome.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Have you considered going to meetings? Have you read Codependent No More?
These are a couple of things that will help you to learn how not to enable your daughter.
If you keep enabling her she will never seek recovery. This addiction is one that she will now have to battle the rest of her life, there is no cure.
If you can learn how to detach and not enable, you will be helping her not hurting her. Also, dealing with an addict is a stressful, hurtful situation and can and will effect your mental health and physical well-being. The more tools you have in your tool box the better equipted you will be to weather the storms.
There are many parents here who will be of great support to you. They are or have been exactly where you are. We are here for you.
These are a couple of things that will help you to learn how not to enable your daughter.
If you keep enabling her she will never seek recovery. This addiction is one that she will now have to battle the rest of her life, there is no cure.
If you can learn how to detach and not enable, you will be helping her not hurting her. Also, dealing with an addict is a stressful, hurtful situation and can and will effect your mental health and physical well-being. The more tools you have in your tool box the better equipted you will be to weather the storms.
There are many parents here who will be of great support to you. They are or have been exactly where you are. We are here for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2
I just want to stop crying.
For a split second last night I was in a better place. Her addict boyfriend told me what I wanted to hear. She was at work and was coming home after. She never went and she never arrived home.
And I am back at square one. I want to curl up into a ball and forget about life for a while.
For a split second last night I was in a better place. Her addict boyfriend told me what I wanted to hear. She was at work and was coming home after. She never went and she never arrived home.
And I am back at square one. I want to curl up into a ball and forget about life for a while.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 455
I am so sorry that you are going through this. Hugs to you.
Last year when I was going through some of the same horrors you are experiencing, I found SR. It really helped to have a place where I could get support and insight from people who understood. The drama/trauma you are going through isn't sustainable and it will resolve itslef.
My prayers are with you and your daughter.
Last year when I was going through some of the same horrors you are experiencing, I found SR. It really helped to have a place where I could get support and insight from people who understood. The drama/trauma you are going through isn't sustainable and it will resolve itslef.
My prayers are with you and your daughter.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by jensense 
And I am back at square one. I want to curl up into a ball and forget about life for a while.
This is a great forum, one in which you will find comfort, and answers.
"Back at square one" happens from time to time. The more you get under your belt, the less it will be so. Just have patience and don't be hard on yourself.
Crying is ok. It is a grief behavior, and you are entitled and justified. You don't need to deny yourself the feelings you are experiencing.
I curled up in a ball many times when I was going through the lifting of denial, and the disappointment of what reality was.
You'll be ok.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 47
jensense, my son has been going through this for over 3 years. I cried for the first two, later realizing I was crying for myself, the loss I felt for him and what is was doing for me, then it changed to anger, over what he had put me through and now I am at the stage of numbness and sadness, I am so sad for him to waste the life he was given. I chose to detach from him so he would not pull me down into the hole he was in. And you know what you can cry as much as you like, its okay. You are hurting and helpless to change the situation. We all know what is like, so please cry, vent let everything out, there is not one person on here that has not felt your pain. Hugs to you and prayers for your child. Lynda
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Hello Jensense: Welcome to SR. I hope you will find the ESH (experience, strength, hope) that I have found from this site and also from going to Alanon and Naranon meetings.
Yes, all of us (especially parents) have felt like failures as we watched addiction take over our loved ones' lives. Just yesterday I was thinking that if i had it to do over again (knowing what I know now), I would have mortgaged my home while my AS (addicted son) was still a minor and I would have sent him to year-round military school and never allowed him to come home for even a visit until he was age 21. Maybe that would have done the trick.
In no other situation have we had to stand by and let something happen to our children - not this serious anyway. We may have chosen to stand back and let our children go through something - but it was our choice.
But this drug/alcohol thing is different. When we speak of detachment, we are talking about detaching emotionally from them. We learn to not react. We learn to let them carry the consequences (including the psychological burdens) of their life. This is no easy task. But the reward is that we as parents are better off. And we all know that when Mom is feeling well then the whole family benefits from that. This includes your addict daughter, although it might not look that way at first and it may take years before your daughter is able to verbalize that to you.
Keep coming back. You did not get to where you are overnight, and your journey out of the abyss is not a short hop either.
Yes, all of us (especially parents) have felt like failures as we watched addiction take over our loved ones' lives. Just yesterday I was thinking that if i had it to do over again (knowing what I know now), I would have mortgaged my home while my AS (addicted son) was still a minor and I would have sent him to year-round military school and never allowed him to come home for even a visit until he was age 21. Maybe that would have done the trick.
In no other situation have we had to stand by and let something happen to our children - not this serious anyway. We may have chosen to stand back and let our children go through something - but it was our choice.
But this drug/alcohol thing is different. When we speak of detachment, we are talking about detaching emotionally from them. We learn to not react. We learn to let them carry the consequences (including the psychological burdens) of their life. This is no easy task. But the reward is that we as parents are better off. And we all know that when Mom is feeling well then the whole family benefits from that. This includes your addict daughter, although it might not look that way at first and it may take years before your daughter is able to verbalize that to you.
Keep coming back. You did not get to where you are overnight, and your journey out of the abyss is not a short hop either.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
jensense
Welcome to SR......I hope you find comfort here. I do.
The really tough thing about being the parent of an adult child spiraling out of control is the grief we feel over losing our dreams for them. As parents, we have a mental picture that our children will grow up, get a job/career, move out and support themselves, perhaps get married, and have children. Those dreams seem to crumble as we watch them make one bad decision after another.
But in reality....those were our dreams for them....and not necessarily their dreams for themselves. Some people, like my son, just think differently. I'm convinced that the more I tried to urge him toward good decision making (in my opinion), the more stubbornly he headed in the opposite direction. It's like Newton's laws of motion....
I understand your pain, anxiety, frustration, concern......all of it. All of us who are parents here on SR understand exactly how you feel because we've been there. With a great deal of work (every single day), I am at a point that I can go through the day feeling happy and enjoying my life even though my son is homeless and terribly addicted. There are still moments of saddness but I've let go of the worry--not only the worry about my son but so many things. Alanon and Naranon, SR, and lots of reading have gotten me here.
You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
Welcome to SR......I hope you find comfort here. I do.
The really tough thing about being the parent of an adult child spiraling out of control is the grief we feel over losing our dreams for them. As parents, we have a mental picture that our children will grow up, get a job/career, move out and support themselves, perhaps get married, and have children. Those dreams seem to crumble as we watch them make one bad decision after another.
But in reality....those were our dreams for them....and not necessarily their dreams for themselves. Some people, like my son, just think differently. I'm convinced that the more I tried to urge him toward good decision making (in my opinion), the more stubbornly he headed in the opposite direction. It's like Newton's laws of motion....
I understand your pain, anxiety, frustration, concern......all of it. All of us who are parents here on SR understand exactly how you feel because we've been there. With a great deal of work (every single day), I am at a point that I can go through the day feeling happy and enjoying my life even though my son is homeless and terribly addicted. There are still moments of saddness but I've let go of the worry--not only the worry about my son but so many things. Alanon and Naranon, SR, and lots of reading have gotten me here.
You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
My daughter was 19 when she acquired an addiction to heroin. I was out of my mind with it and felt like a complete failure. I nearly bankrupted myself financially, emotionally and physically trying to save her. Most humbling experience of my life was coming to terms with my inability to control her, her choices, let alone influence outcomes.
I eventually made the decision that I would not allow anyone in active addiction to live in my house or have access to it. I never went no contact but I did cease to enable her.
She eventually found her own way out and did so on her own when she had enough of it and the lifestyle. She will be 23, this summer.
Letting go of my own fantasy that I caused it and had the power to compel her to snap out of it was tough work on my part. I had to choose to save myself, the only person I could control.
I eventually made the decision that I would not allow anyone in active addiction to live in my house or have access to it. I never went no contact but I did cease to enable her.
She eventually found her own way out and did so on her own when she had enough of it and the lifestyle. She will be 23, this summer.
Letting go of my own fantasy that I caused it and had the power to compel her to snap out of it was tough work on my part. I had to choose to save myself, the only person I could control.
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