:-( Praying for a brighter day!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 34
:-( Praying for a brighter day!!
Hello All:
I am new here but I am glad to have found this group as a means of obtaining support from those who really understand. A few months ago I found out that my boyfriend of more than five years is an alochol and cocaine addict. Whew that day was so crushing to me to say the least. I was devastated and I had no idea at all (which makes me feel more stupid).
Ofcourse given our time together we were making wedding plans, visiting venues, and such, but we were not engaged. Now that I think back and overanalyze everything there were certainly things that didn't add up, but I never suspected him of drug use. I am so anti-drugs and alochol and that is clear to all that know me. He had some health issues that I was aware of, but I now and suspecting that these issues are a result of his addictions.
Since I have found out he has been e-mailing me and mailing me letters asking for forgiveness and to get back with me etc. I changed my cell phone number so he can't call me anymore. He has even gone as far as to put letters on my car and on the door of my apartment.
He has completed a part of a detoxification program, he sent me his certificate. Its so hard to stay away from him, because I love him so much, bt I have been successful thus far.
I think of the years that we spent together taking trips, laughing, and enjoying life. Making plans to get married and start a family. I know that I can't trust him now and that hurts so much. I feel so stupid for loving him. I know that its insane but I just wish that I could hug him. It feels like I lost my best friend forever again (my best friend actually died last year in 2010 from sickle cell). So this is like a double whammy.
I do get alot of support from friends and family but I feel as thought their solution is for me to just "get over it already". I really want to get over this. I mean I def. don't want to continue feeling this way . I can't imagine that anyone would want to go through life like this. I keep hearing that I made the right decision by leaving him and cutting off all communication, but it still hurts so much. I miss him so much and I can't imagine that this pain will end.
It so scary to believe that he wasn't the person he was pretending to be. My family and friends alike were all shocked when I told them about his addiction. I didn't tell the world but I felt like telling my inner circle would help me with the emotional support I need. After all of the lies and deceit, and betrayal I still care for him. Sometimes when I want to talk to him, I don't because I know that calling him will only suck me back into his web of lies and also will lead him on. I know that I cannot and will never trust him again.
As much as I love him I love myself more, and I choose me. It just hurts because I shared my life with him for so long and now I have found out that he wasn't real. I don't even think his love for me was real. Love can't and sho
uldn't feel like this. It can't be. Praying for a better day tomorrow.
I am new here but I am glad to have found this group as a means of obtaining support from those who really understand. A few months ago I found out that my boyfriend of more than five years is an alochol and cocaine addict. Whew that day was so crushing to me to say the least. I was devastated and I had no idea at all (which makes me feel more stupid).
Ofcourse given our time together we were making wedding plans, visiting venues, and such, but we were not engaged. Now that I think back and overanalyze everything there were certainly things that didn't add up, but I never suspected him of drug use. I am so anti-drugs and alochol and that is clear to all that know me. He had some health issues that I was aware of, but I now and suspecting that these issues are a result of his addictions.
Since I have found out he has been e-mailing me and mailing me letters asking for forgiveness and to get back with me etc. I changed my cell phone number so he can't call me anymore. He has even gone as far as to put letters on my car and on the door of my apartment.
He has completed a part of a detoxification program, he sent me his certificate. Its so hard to stay away from him, because I love him so much, bt I have been successful thus far.
I think of the years that we spent together taking trips, laughing, and enjoying life. Making plans to get married and start a family. I know that I can't trust him now and that hurts so much. I feel so stupid for loving him. I know that its insane but I just wish that I could hug him. It feels like I lost my best friend forever again (my best friend actually died last year in 2010 from sickle cell). So this is like a double whammy.
I do get alot of support from friends and family but I feel as thought their solution is for me to just "get over it already". I really want to get over this. I mean I def. don't want to continue feeling this way . I can't imagine that anyone would want to go through life like this. I keep hearing that I made the right decision by leaving him and cutting off all communication, but it still hurts so much. I miss him so much and I can't imagine that this pain will end.
It so scary to believe that he wasn't the person he was pretending to be. My family and friends alike were all shocked when I told them about his addiction. I didn't tell the world but I felt like telling my inner circle would help me with the emotional support I need. After all of the lies and deceit, and betrayal I still care for him. Sometimes when I want to talk to him, I don't because I know that calling him will only suck me back into his web of lies and also will lead him on. I know that I cannot and will never trust him again.
As much as I love him I love myself more, and I choose me. It just hurts because I shared my life with him for so long and now I have found out that he wasn't real. I don't even think his love for me was real. Love can't and sho
uldn't feel like this. It can't be. Praying for a better day tomorrow. 
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome to SR, I'm glad you joined us and know you will find support here.
I'm sorry this happened and sorry you are hurting right now. I do know that pain doesn't last forever and that one day you will find the light again. But grief is a big part of letting go of the past, of your hopes and dreams and the man you love, and the only way to get through it is to do what you are doing...surround yourself with support and just keep walking.
Wishing you better days ahead.
Hugs
I'm sorry this happened and sorry you are hurting right now. I do know that pain doesn't last forever and that one day you will find the light again. But grief is a big part of letting go of the past, of your hopes and dreams and the man you love, and the only way to get through it is to do what you are doing...surround yourself with support and just keep walking.
Wishing you better days ahead.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
You did do the right thing for yourself. In case no one else has said it, you did a very healthy thing. Your self preservation will carry you through one day at a time, and you'll find your way into the sunlight again.
Ann is right about the grief and it's a process everyone has to go through, whatever the source. You were together a while and the pain won't go away overnight. If you find yourself getting stuck please continue reaching out for help.
Ann is right about the grief and it's a process everyone has to go through, whatever the source. You were together a while and the pain won't go away overnight. If you find yourself getting stuck please continue reaching out for help.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
^^^ ME TOO!
*runs in the room* ...." sorry i am so late"
please read as much as you can about this awefull world of drugs and alcohol...it does effect every single one of us....learn what you can and grow from the insight...
have you thought of AL ANON or NAR ANON??? these rooms, like this site, has so much wisdom!! see you met my friends already...arent they wonderful people
....I have learned so much from my friends here and i dont feel ashamed of asking the questions i dont know...actually...when you ask a question, its amazing what you learn and WE ALL DO LEARN...
read the stickies, join the group conversations...and open your heart and your mind to the HONEST program ....it works if you work it...and i work mine every single day!
*runs in the room* ...." sorry i am so late"
please read as much as you can about this awefull world of drugs and alcohol...it does effect every single one of us....learn what you can and grow from the insight...
have you thought of AL ANON or NAR ANON??? these rooms, like this site, has so much wisdom!! see you met my friends already...arent they wonderful people
....I have learned so much from my friends here and i dont feel ashamed of asking the questions i dont know...actually...when you ask a question, its amazing what you learn and WE ALL DO LEARN...read the stickies, join the group conversations...and open your heart and your mind to the HONEST program ....it works if you work it...and i work mine every single day!
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
you are one smart woman! I know though that you are really hurting right now and feel really shaken. Finding out that a loved one has been using drugs really really messes with you mind and your reality.
Even if he has gone through detox recovery takes a long time. The relapse rate of alcohol and also cocaine is very high....it's a lot of stress to live with.
I know that it is hard to stay strong but in the long run you will be better off. I'm glad that you chose you over him.....for a long time I did the opposite and I really regret it
Hope that you will keep posting!
Even if he has gone through detox recovery takes a long time. The relapse rate of alcohol and also cocaine is very high....it's a lot of stress to live with.
I know that it is hard to stay strong but in the long run you will be better off. I'm glad that you chose you over him.....for a long time I did the opposite and I really regret it
Hope that you will keep posting!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 34
Thanks to all of your for your words of wisdom and support. I really appreciate them.
Fourmaggie: My neighbor has suggested AL ANON to me but I haven't taken her up on that offer yet. I am not really certain of my living situation right now, I got laid off from my job a few weeks after finding out all of this. In hindsight that was a blessing, because I was am emotional wreck and probably needed the time off.
Thanks all for your hugs, support, and love ..I need it!!
Fourmaggie: My neighbor has suggested AL ANON to me but I haven't taken her up on that offer yet. I am not really certain of my living situation right now, I got laid off from my job a few weeks after finding out all of this. In hindsight that was a blessing, because I was am emotional wreck and probably needed the time off.
Thanks all for your hugs, support, and love ..I need it!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
hello hurtbeyondbelief,
i am so glad you found us and also so sorry you have to go through all of this. similar to your situation i have just recently separated from my husband who has been using cocaine before we even got married (over 5 yrs.). i also was completely unaware of his use up until past 3 yrs and stayed for longer than i should have.
i partially stayed out of ignorance about drugs and partially because of my own denial and hope that it will somehow get better. and it did not. and it still is not, but at least i am trying to take better care of myself. we have 2 small kids together and one on the way, so it makes it much harder to let go.
you made the right decision to separate yourself from him and from the situation. it will however take a lot of time to heal and to be able to actually move on. and please do take all the time you need. try not to be too hard on yourself. i felt stupid for not noticing, too, but not having any experience with drugs i really didn't know what to look for at the time. now looking back, it really was quite obvious, but it is always like that with hindsight. i can feel your pain for having just found out. when i found out it felt like my whole marriage has been one big fat lie and it still feels that way.
i also do understand the missing part. i also miss all the good times, actually several times each and every day. most of the time i'm sad for me and for him.
i just wanted to welcome you to SR and to let you know that you're not alone. please keep coming back and posting. your story helps us and i hope that you will also find help and support when you need it. my thoughts and prayers are with you.
stay strong.
i am so glad you found us and also so sorry you have to go through all of this. similar to your situation i have just recently separated from my husband who has been using cocaine before we even got married (over 5 yrs.). i also was completely unaware of his use up until past 3 yrs and stayed for longer than i should have.
i partially stayed out of ignorance about drugs and partially because of my own denial and hope that it will somehow get better. and it did not. and it still is not, but at least i am trying to take better care of myself. we have 2 small kids together and one on the way, so it makes it much harder to let go.
you made the right decision to separate yourself from him and from the situation. it will however take a lot of time to heal and to be able to actually move on. and please do take all the time you need. try not to be too hard on yourself. i felt stupid for not noticing, too, but not having any experience with drugs i really didn't know what to look for at the time. now looking back, it really was quite obvious, but it is always like that with hindsight. i can feel your pain for having just found out. when i found out it felt like my whole marriage has been one big fat lie and it still feels that way.
i also do understand the missing part. i also miss all the good times, actually several times each and every day. most of the time i'm sad for me and for him.
i just wanted to welcome you to SR and to let you know that you're not alone. please keep coming back and posting. your story helps us and i hope that you will also find help and support when you need it. my thoughts and prayers are with you.
stay strong.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 34
Pacificsunrise:
Thanks so much for your kind words. I had no exprience with drugs either, other than hearing how bad they were before this. I appreciate your words of encouragement. Sometimes I wonder if things can get better or if I should give him another chance. But then I remember how hurt I have been and I can't imagine allowing him to make me feel like this or worse again.
Since all of this has happened I have been reading more about drug abuse on the Internet and I have been reading that relapse with alochol and cocaine are very likely. I can't imagine if I didn't see it the first time going back, for more lies and deception, and not being able to see it again. It hurts so much these days but I am very grateful for the love and support I have received from here and friends and family.
Thanks so much for your kind words. I had no exprience with drugs either, other than hearing how bad they were before this. I appreciate your words of encouragement. Sometimes I wonder if things can get better or if I should give him another chance. But then I remember how hurt I have been and I can't imagine allowing him to make me feel like this or worse again.
Since all of this has happened I have been reading more about drug abuse on the Internet and I have been reading that relapse with alochol and cocaine are very likely. I can't imagine if I didn't see it the first time going back, for more lies and deception, and not being able to see it again. It hurts so much these days but I am very grateful for the love and support I have received from here and friends and family.
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