Full Blown Codie Relapse. Help me get on track
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Join Date: Apr 2011
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Full Blown Codie Relapse. Help me get on track
It's so bad, that I'm going to even start w/ the report of the day.
Today is Friday. AH called me on Tues saying he was getting discharged from rehab on Friday (today). I was relieved, b/c if you remember, I really could use a break from the kids and they miss him like crazy. Well, I didn't tell the kids, b/c I had just the smallest feeling that plans might fall through. Well, he calls me on Wednesday and says that he's not coming home Fri. (I don't want him to come to our house. He needs to be in sober living.) He says that he's got nowhere to go, so he's gonna stay there at his sisters (right by the facility but 3 hrs. away from here) so he can work on his relapse prevention packet. Huh?? You can't do that here in town? How is it easier to find a place to stay while you're searching from 3 hrs. away. I had this feeling that there was someONE keeping him there. My AH is a handsome charmer, w/ a history of cheating, and attaching to women in general. I asked him straightforward and appropriately if he was staying there b/c he'd met someone. I knew it was common and told him I'd understand (we are semi-separated right now). He says no, he loves me more than ever, has learned so much about himself, addiction, he's so happy to be honest, etc. Well, he kept giving me these not so convincing excuses about why he wasn't coming home. Or he would say he's coming for the weekend but needs to go back?? So, I'm just not buying it. I've completely kept my distance from him the entire time he's been gone. Detatching. But, this was really bothering me. On the one hand, he sounds like he's made progress, on the other hand, I'm so used to the lying. So, what happens? Of course, I launch a full blown codependent investigation into the phone records, find about 30 text messages from a girl who I find on facebook, who is HOT (so sure my husband finds her attractive, plus she's in recovery -added bonus surely) young, and they are all kind of late at night b/w 9-11 pm. So I straight up confronted him, told him I knew it, he hasn't changed. If he'd just told me the truth! (I'm cringing as I'm reliving the convo) We fought about who's changed more, who hasn't changed. Really, is it either of us, based on this conversation? He tells me he's made friends and done nothing inappropriate, only gone out in groups etc. Now, even if this was true, I still find it to be a poor choice in friends. I mean, what does a 22 year old girl have to offer him about life and recovery (he's 34) and why isn't he talking to a man or men for that matter. There are not a whole lot of calls/texts in total. At least someone his own age, with kids even! And the amount of text messages? Just seems a little less than innocent. He accuses me of being a spyer, stalker, etc. I'm sure some of you have been there. So, I am definitely aware that I had a full blown relapse, but where do I go from here? Do I let it go? Am I being unreasonable? He's already called once and texted twice, and I chose to not answer/respond, b/c I really don't want to get caught up. Any thoughts??
Today is Friday. AH called me on Tues saying he was getting discharged from rehab on Friday (today). I was relieved, b/c if you remember, I really could use a break from the kids and they miss him like crazy. Well, I didn't tell the kids, b/c I had just the smallest feeling that plans might fall through. Well, he calls me on Wednesday and says that he's not coming home Fri. (I don't want him to come to our house. He needs to be in sober living.) He says that he's got nowhere to go, so he's gonna stay there at his sisters (right by the facility but 3 hrs. away from here) so he can work on his relapse prevention packet. Huh?? You can't do that here in town? How is it easier to find a place to stay while you're searching from 3 hrs. away. I had this feeling that there was someONE keeping him there. My AH is a handsome charmer, w/ a history of cheating, and attaching to women in general. I asked him straightforward and appropriately if he was staying there b/c he'd met someone. I knew it was common and told him I'd understand (we are semi-separated right now). He says no, he loves me more than ever, has learned so much about himself, addiction, he's so happy to be honest, etc. Well, he kept giving me these not so convincing excuses about why he wasn't coming home. Or he would say he's coming for the weekend but needs to go back?? So, I'm just not buying it. I've completely kept my distance from him the entire time he's been gone. Detatching. But, this was really bothering me. On the one hand, he sounds like he's made progress, on the other hand, I'm so used to the lying. So, what happens? Of course, I launch a full blown codependent investigation into the phone records, find about 30 text messages from a girl who I find on facebook, who is HOT (so sure my husband finds her attractive, plus she's in recovery -added bonus surely) young, and they are all kind of late at night b/w 9-11 pm. So I straight up confronted him, told him I knew it, he hasn't changed. If he'd just told me the truth! (I'm cringing as I'm reliving the convo) We fought about who's changed more, who hasn't changed. Really, is it either of us, based on this conversation? He tells me he's made friends and done nothing inappropriate, only gone out in groups etc. Now, even if this was true, I still find it to be a poor choice in friends. I mean, what does a 22 year old girl have to offer him about life and recovery (he's 34) and why isn't he talking to a man or men for that matter. There are not a whole lot of calls/texts in total. At least someone his own age, with kids even! And the amount of text messages? Just seems a little less than innocent. He accuses me of being a spyer, stalker, etc. I'm sure some of you have been there. So, I am definitely aware that I had a full blown relapse, but where do I go from here? Do I let it go? Am I being unreasonable? He's already called once and texted twice, and I chose to not answer/respond, b/c I really don't want to get caught up. Any thoughts??
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Playing private investigator never worked out too well for me, all I did was make myself crazy, and, learned a whole bunch of stuff I wished I didn't.
With that said, to me, cheating is a whole different bag, and, for me, a deal breaker. What a 22 year old has to offer him has nothing to do with recovery.
I would recommend that you seek out some meetings in your area and work on you. You cannot and will not change him no matter how much you yell, threaten or cry and being an addict, he will lie, it is part of the disease.
For my part, I do not think you are being unreasonable, lots of red flags are being waved in front of you.
I am sorry that you are having to deal with all of this.
With that said, to me, cheating is a whole different bag, and, for me, a deal breaker. What a 22 year old has to offer him has nothing to do with recovery.
I would recommend that you seek out some meetings in your area and work on you. You cannot and will not change him no matter how much you yell, threaten or cry and being an addict, he will lie, it is part of the disease.
For my part, I do not think you are being unreasonable, lots of red flags are being waved in front of you.
I am sorry that you are having to deal with all of this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Bring the attention back to you ... meetings are really helpful with that.
Sounds like a big time codie relapse and you do have lots going on.
His recovery is for him to own ... how he does it or doesn't do it. YOU are up to you!!! I know that is hard to swallow ... after all ... you stood by him in active addiction.
Think about you and what you want... that is what he is being groomed for in recovery... looking after himself and working a program. What are you doing for you?
I say this all from experience. When my ex was in rehab I was all about how I can help him in his recovery and that I'm there for him in recovery and not addiction. blah blah blah yada yada yada... :/ There was nothing I could do!
My advice to you is to do something nice for yourself at least once a day. Treat yourself how you want others to treat you.
(((hugs)))
Sounds like a big time codie relapse and you do have lots going on.
His recovery is for him to own ... how he does it or doesn't do it. YOU are up to you!!! I know that is hard to swallow ... after all ... you stood by him in active addiction.
Think about you and what you want... that is what he is being groomed for in recovery... looking after himself and working a program. What are you doing for you?
I say this all from experience. When my ex was in rehab I was all about how I can help him in his recovery and that I'm there for him in recovery and not addiction. blah blah blah yada yada yada... :/ There was nothing I could do!
My advice to you is to do something nice for yourself at least once a day. Treat yourself how you want others to treat you.
(((hugs)))
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
My AH is a handsome charmer, w/ a history of cheating, and attaching to women in general.
Don't you think you deserve better? You know what you know. Whether he is actively cheating with this 22 year old or not, it is an inappropriate relationship for a married man; and if he has a history of cheating, well, it looks even worse.
Yeah, al-anon can be a huge help. Have you considered attending meetings in your area?
Don't you think you deserve better? You know what you know. Whether he is actively cheating with this 22 year old or not, it is an inappropriate relationship for a married man; and if he has a history of cheating, well, it looks even worse.
Yeah, al-anon can be a huge help. Have you considered attending meetings in your area?
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Originally Posted by suki44883 
My AH is a handsome charmer, w/ a history of cheating, and attaching to women in general.
Don't you think you deserve better?
Don't you think you deserve better?
Originally Posted by suki44883
[Al-anon can be a huge help. Have you considered attending meetings in your area?
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Wife2anaddict,
Going through phone records is s sign and symptom of a codie relapse - and you say that you see it as such. However, it's done and you did it because your gut was telling you something and you didn't trust yourself. That is what seems to happen to me everytime that I have a codie relapse. I "know what I know" but I don't want to believe it or trust it.....thus, the need to go checking.
He has a history of cheating so it is understandable why your radar went off. Maybe nothing happened but it doesn't sound like things are above board either. From what I've heard, most rehab facilities advise that developing same sex support systems is the appropriate way to go. He certainly picked a suspect person (a hot young woman) as a support person.
Now that you know this information how will it impact your future decisions about your husband? I'm not sure if it would help to answer these questions but at least it would give you something to think about.....what would it take for you to trust him? Are you comfortable setting boundaries around that? Have you worked through the feelings that have regarding the episodes of cheating in the past?
I know that my ability to trust my husband went hand in hand with my ability to trust myself. Once I knew what I would do if he stepped over certain lines then I began to trust the whole situation.
I hate those one upmanship conversations (re: who has changed more). They always make me feel emotionally drunk and terrible.
Sending you warm thoughts.
Going through phone records is s sign and symptom of a codie relapse - and you say that you see it as such. However, it's done and you did it because your gut was telling you something and you didn't trust yourself. That is what seems to happen to me everytime that I have a codie relapse. I "know what I know" but I don't want to believe it or trust it.....thus, the need to go checking.
He has a history of cheating so it is understandable why your radar went off. Maybe nothing happened but it doesn't sound like things are above board either. From what I've heard, most rehab facilities advise that developing same sex support systems is the appropriate way to go. He certainly picked a suspect person (a hot young woman) as a support person.
Now that you know this information how will it impact your future decisions about your husband? I'm not sure if it would help to answer these questions but at least it would give you something to think about.....what would it take for you to trust him? Are you comfortable setting boundaries around that? Have you worked through the feelings that have regarding the episodes of cheating in the past?
I know that my ability to trust my husband went hand in hand with my ability to trust myself. Once I knew what I would do if he stepped over certain lines then I began to trust the whole situation.
I hate those one upmanship conversations (re: who has changed more). They always make me feel emotionally drunk and terrible.
Sending you warm thoughts.
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