If you pray
Yankee
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 183
Im sorry you are going through this Debbie, my Brother has been in simular situations as well. it is very tough to see them live the way that they do. I am sending my loving thoughts for you, your brother and your family....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Chicory, he is facing a felony. Tough as that is, it's a blessing because they will force him into rehab. He's never really been caught doing anything (amazing!) and he's scared and angry. Pretty sure my dad had a hand in this and I'll be calling him today to tell him he did the right thing. If he follows their rules, he can come out with a clean record.
He's honestly just a big spoiled brat. Dad's paid his way through everything over the last 5 years. I helped, too. Without our "help", he'd probably either be homeless or clean and productive.
Thank you all for your kind words and prayers.
He's honestly just a big spoiled brat. Dad's paid his way through everything over the last 5 years. I helped, too. Without our "help", he'd probably either be homeless or clean and productive.
Thank you all for your kind words and prayers.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Our relative told him in order to stay here tonight, he needs to call and get his court date moved. He said he's not willing to do that. He said he understands that means he can't stay here. I guess that means a shelter for tonight. This is so incredibly difficult, but am thankful I am with someone that has more fortitude than I do. She won't let me take him anywhere else.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
SisDebbie,
This really struck me. How true, but I wish we had a crystal ball to tell us which result we would get from not helping. I am in a situation similar in ways. i am in contact with mental health and hope that by letting go, my son will get productive.
I am glad that your brother will be getting some help. tho it isn't what he would probably choose, who likes taking medicine?
prayers for things to go in the right direction quickly.
hugs
chicory
He's honestly just a big spoiled brat. Dad's paid his way through everything over the last 5 years. I helped, too. Without our "help", he'd probably either be homeless or clean and productive.
I am glad that your brother will be getting some help. tho it isn't what he would probably choose, who likes taking medicine?
prayers for things to go in the right direction quickly.
hugs
chicory
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Today has been one big drama and angst filled day. Words got all twisted around, whether on purpose or by manipulation. One thing I saw first hand is that *I* can't help. Only when someone that is not related to him speaks does he really hear what they are saying. When we talk, he doesn't believe us, doesn't trust us, and it all gets twisted.
Anyway, thanks to all for being here. It is helpful beyond words to have this safe place to share.
Anyway, thanks to all for being here. It is helpful beyond words to have this safe place to share.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I understand completely what you are saying. My son behaved better with perfect strangers than with his own family. And he could switch his temperament at will, one minute raging at his family, then answer the phone when it rang and speak softly and kindly to his girlfriend.
There is a mental imbalance that is often connected to active addiction, and which came first doesn't matter at that point. But we've all seen the insanity of their behaviour, and yet when they get clean over a long period of time, this same imbalance may disappear or can at least be diagnosed and treated.
My prayers continue for all of you. It is just so very difficult dealing with addiction. One day at a time is the only way to get through it.
Hugs
There is a mental imbalance that is often connected to active addiction, and which came first doesn't matter at that point. But we've all seen the insanity of their behaviour, and yet when they get clean over a long period of time, this same imbalance may disappear or can at least be diagnosed and treated.
My prayers continue for all of you. It is just so very difficult dealing with addiction. One day at a time is the only way to get through it.
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Things are going well right now. He's on a waiting list for a facility and I heard him tell his lawyer he needed to go to treatment whether he was compelled or not.
He's been working the last week, for the first time in 4 years. Physical labor is a tremendous help! He feels useful and productive and he's even started sleeping peacefully for the first time in years.
I'm grateful for this calm. Praying everyone here has a peaceful and hope filled day today, and especially praying for strength for those who are struggling with addiction today.
He's been working the last week, for the first time in 4 years. Physical labor is a tremendous help! He feels useful and productive and he's even started sleeping peacefully for the first time in years.
I'm grateful for this calm. Praying everyone here has a peaceful and hope filled day today, and especially praying for strength for those who are struggling with addiction today.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Unbelievable...
A little over 2 weeks ago I drove him 2.5 hours to his arraignment. We'd retained a new attorney because the one he had was in an accident and is incapacitated.
This attorney was at the recommendation of the prosecutor, who told my family he just needed to come in, plead not-guilty and then they'd postpone any further action until he completed rehab. I'm not kidding!
The new attorney has ceased returning phone calls, haven't heard back from him for over a week. Yesterday bro called and the PHONE WAS DISCONNECTED. I cannot BELIEVE this nonsense.
All he needs is written permission to check himself into this facility, they won't take him with a pending legal issue without permission from the court or the prosecutor. He's willing to check in, and the longer it takes the more I worry he will change his mind. I absolutely cannot go home until that happens and I feel like my life is on hold. I don't mind, because I love him but I feel like I am burdening my cousin by being here, and the friends that are taking care of my pets.
He's barely speaking to me, for a number of reasons but I think mostly because he resents the current control I have over his entire life. I know he loves me, but this morning I woke up sobbing uncontrollably from a nightmare where I was just begging him to be fair to me and try to understand what I am going through, too.
A friend and I went a few weeks ago and cleaned up his place. There's still a ton of work to do, but you can all just imagine what we found. Pretty disturbing stuff, and included the cords he used to try and hang himself and some bottles of chemicals he either drank or considered drinking (Dad got the one we know about for sure to take it to the hospital) It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, probably because I had this amazing man by my side but also because I am somewhat numb.
This dear friend has come back with me to work for a family member for a few weeks because he really needed the help, so now 4 of us are living in one house. We are falling in love and that is just one of the amazing miracles occurring in my life right now. We've been friends since we were young teens and fit together like peas and carrots. I've been single almost all my life and it's just incredible to have someone come and tell me they always loved me and still do.
There's so much more rollercoaster-like stuff happening, so many horrid pressures and stresses but beautiful things happening, too. I started doing Melanie Beattie's 40 day miracle thing about a month ago, and highly recommend it. Despite all the painful stuff, there are things happening in my life and with my family that I never allowed myself to hope for until recently....
A little over 2 weeks ago I drove him 2.5 hours to his arraignment. We'd retained a new attorney because the one he had was in an accident and is incapacitated.
This attorney was at the recommendation of the prosecutor, who told my family he just needed to come in, plead not-guilty and then they'd postpone any further action until he completed rehab. I'm not kidding!
The new attorney has ceased returning phone calls, haven't heard back from him for over a week. Yesterday bro called and the PHONE WAS DISCONNECTED. I cannot BELIEVE this nonsense.
All he needs is written permission to check himself into this facility, they won't take him with a pending legal issue without permission from the court or the prosecutor. He's willing to check in, and the longer it takes the more I worry he will change his mind. I absolutely cannot go home until that happens and I feel like my life is on hold. I don't mind, because I love him but I feel like I am burdening my cousin by being here, and the friends that are taking care of my pets.
He's barely speaking to me, for a number of reasons but I think mostly because he resents the current control I have over his entire life. I know he loves me, but this morning I woke up sobbing uncontrollably from a nightmare where I was just begging him to be fair to me and try to understand what I am going through, too.
A friend and I went a few weeks ago and cleaned up his place. There's still a ton of work to do, but you can all just imagine what we found. Pretty disturbing stuff, and included the cords he used to try and hang himself and some bottles of chemicals he either drank or considered drinking (Dad got the one we know about for sure to take it to the hospital) It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, probably because I had this amazing man by my side but also because I am somewhat numb.
This dear friend has come back with me to work for a family member for a few weeks because he really needed the help, so now 4 of us are living in one house. We are falling in love and that is just one of the amazing miracles occurring in my life right now. We've been friends since we were young teens and fit together like peas and carrots. I've been single almost all my life and it's just incredible to have someone come and tell me they always loved me and still do.
There's so much more rollercoaster-like stuff happening, so many horrid pressures and stresses but beautiful things happening, too. I started doing Melanie Beattie's 40 day miracle thing about a month ago, and highly recommend it. Despite all the painful stuff, there are things happening in my life and with my family that I never allowed myself to hope for until recently....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Sis
Good for you for doing the 40 day miracle......it works. You may not get the miracle you wrote down but miracles will happen.
I'm sorry that you are going through the difficult stuff but.....things happen for a reason. Perhaps this blossoming relationship is the real reason you are there.
Keep you and your brother in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
Good for you for doing the 40 day miracle......it works. You may not get the miracle you wrote down but miracles will happen.
I'm sorry that you are going through the difficult stuff but.....things happen for a reason. Perhaps this blossoming relationship is the real reason you are there.
Keep you and your brother in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
I haven't updated for a while...
In summary, my brother is finally in a program and I am FINALLY back in my own home.
The longer version is that I let him and my family suck the life out of me this summer and I'm now recovering from that. My cousin actually ended up kicking us out, which was good because that left me no choice but to come back to my own home, and because it meant that he spent a couple of nights at a shelter and was left with few options and stopped shuffling his feet about rehab. Since he was technically homeless, they bumped him up on the list and got him into the program much quicker. It was pretty poorly executed though and I'm still not in much of a mood to talk to any of my family about it.
It's just all so complicated.
And I'm angry about the way he treated me the last few weeks (I'm pretty sure he started using) and I regret that I stopped focusing on him completely. And then I'm angry that I have regrets at all about my own actions, when really I was doing the best I could. I'm also angry with my cousin for the way she handled things. Instead of a phone call asking if I was ok, she just kept texting about mundane things like where did I put the spaghetti strainer. And she let me know that I was still welcome there, but then wanted her key back right away. Then I feel completely guilty for being angry at someone that was so generous.
Then there is my father who was the opposite of helpful most of the time, then showed up the last few days and later bragged to me "You should have just called me first. He was in treatment within days after I arrived." Totally discounting that I spent my entire summer taking care of my brother, missing out on some really wonderful times (like a canceled trip to Alaska). He's the kind of person that has to turn everything around to be about himself, and frankly his enabling is what allowed this crap to go on for so long.
(Who gives an addict fresh out of rehab a credit card and access to unlimited funds?)
I mean, we all were just doing the best we could, and we probably saved his life, so why I do feel hurt and let down and unappreciated?
And I'm writing this now partially to just let it out, where I know people will understand, but also to tell others that getting them into a program is great, but there is still plenty of work to do for oneself after that. The pain didn't stop when he checked in, in some ways it actually worsened (once I could actually feel anything again). So now it's time (and he even wrote this in a letter to me) to take care of myself, because I took care of him to the best of my ability.
We will have a great deal of repairing to do to our relationships if he reaches sobriety, but what is remaining is a great deal of unconditional love, and much thanks to God for giving my family the strength to survive this round.
In summary, my brother is finally in a program and I am FINALLY back in my own home.
The longer version is that I let him and my family suck the life out of me this summer and I'm now recovering from that. My cousin actually ended up kicking us out, which was good because that left me no choice but to come back to my own home, and because it meant that he spent a couple of nights at a shelter and was left with few options and stopped shuffling his feet about rehab. Since he was technically homeless, they bumped him up on the list and got him into the program much quicker. It was pretty poorly executed though and I'm still not in much of a mood to talk to any of my family about it.
It's just all so complicated.
And I'm angry about the way he treated me the last few weeks (I'm pretty sure he started using) and I regret that I stopped focusing on him completely. And then I'm angry that I have regrets at all about my own actions, when really I was doing the best I could. I'm also angry with my cousin for the way she handled things. Instead of a phone call asking if I was ok, she just kept texting about mundane things like where did I put the spaghetti strainer. And she let me know that I was still welcome there, but then wanted her key back right away. Then I feel completely guilty for being angry at someone that was so generous.
Then there is my father who was the opposite of helpful most of the time, then showed up the last few days and later bragged to me "You should have just called me first. He was in treatment within days after I arrived." Totally discounting that I spent my entire summer taking care of my brother, missing out on some really wonderful times (like a canceled trip to Alaska). He's the kind of person that has to turn everything around to be about himself, and frankly his enabling is what allowed this crap to go on for so long.
(Who gives an addict fresh out of rehab a credit card and access to unlimited funds?)
I mean, we all were just doing the best we could, and we probably saved his life, so why I do feel hurt and let down and unappreciated?
And I'm writing this now partially to just let it out, where I know people will understand, but also to tell others that getting them into a program is great, but there is still plenty of work to do for oneself after that. The pain didn't stop when he checked in, in some ways it actually worsened (once I could actually feel anything again). So now it's time (and he even wrote this in a letter to me) to take care of myself, because I took care of him to the best of my ability.
We will have a great deal of repairing to do to our relationships if he reaches sobriety, but what is remaining is a great deal of unconditional love, and much thanks to God for giving my family the strength to survive this round.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Now is a good time for you (and anyone willing in your family) to begin your own recovery and healing. Meetings helps many of us regain our balance and find our sanity again, I know they literally save my life.
It's very hard to take our focus off the addict when the drama is very loud and in our face. Living with them is having a front row seat and that's the worst seat in the house.
Now that you have some space...claim it. Make it your safe zone, your place of peace. Clean it, make it pretty and find a lovely sunlit corner to call your own where you can read, meditate or just dream undisturbed. You may find the peace is refreshing...if you can keep your thoughts on you.
Keeping you and your family in my prayers.
Hugs
It's very hard to take our focus off the addict when the drama is very loud and in our face. Living with them is having a front row seat and that's the worst seat in the house.
Now that you have some space...claim it. Make it your safe zone, your place of peace. Clean it, make it pretty and find a lovely sunlit corner to call your own where you can read, meditate or just dream undisturbed. You may find the peace is refreshing...if you can keep your thoughts on you.
Keeping you and your family in my prayers.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Brisbane, Queensland
Posts: 3
Prayers for your brother, family, and yourself. I hope your brother finds his way soon.
And yes, a meeting would be a real lifelinefor you right now. There is a great deal of support, acceptance, and love in an Alanon meeting. A meeting is a safe place.
And yes, a meeting would be a real lifelinefor you right now. There is a great deal of support, acceptance, and love in an Alanon meeting. A meeting is a safe place.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Saw my brother for about 10 minutes on Thursday. I'm felt somewhat happy, but mostly numb about it. He looks good. The program he is in seems very good, the rest is up to him. He looks great sober, and they make them "trudge" 3-4 miles a day.
My aunt said he'd want cigarettes and cash and I was so delighted to realize I no longer feel any sympathy for him with respect to those things. He did say "It's all about money in here." I pointed to the window and said, "yeah, it's like that out there, too."
I've blown enough on him, and even $10 for snacks or whatever seems like a waste to me now.
My aunt said he'd want cigarettes and cash and I was so delighted to realize I no longer feel any sympathy for him with respect to those things. He did say "It's all about money in here." I pointed to the window and said, "yeah, it's like that out there, too."
I've blown enough on him, and even $10 for snacks or whatever seems like a waste to me now.
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