"Little Lies"

Old 06-02-2011, 09:31 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 27
"Little Lies"

Just a vent: My RAW has this maddening tendency to lie about what she calls "little things". She says she does this because it would start an argument if she were truthful. The problem is that she can never tell a story that will hold up over time or she forgets the story she told. Of course, she did this while she was using but now that she is out of rehab she has continued with the same pattern. Truth be told, the things she lies about now are almost inconsequential but because they are lies they continue to undermine our marriage. My feelings is that if I can't trust her to tell me the truth about "little things", how can I trust her with "big things"?

So tonight she pulled the same stunt again and I decided that it was time to set some boundaries. Tomorrow night was going to be out "date night" that we had tried to establish to work on our marriage. When her lie finally came out I told her that honesty was one of my values and that I would not go on "date night" with someone who continued to lie to me. I was very calm while discussing this and never raised my voice. We sat on the couch and discussed the matter and she tried to start the same old apology routine. I said that I was tired of "sorry" and that only actions and telling the truth would prove that she was remorseful.

I'm kinda ticked because after months of being home alone I was looking forward to a night on the town but I have to find some way to get through to her that lies hurt our marriage.
TD252 is offline  
Old 06-03-2011, 04:45 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I used to tell my son that where there is one lie, there is no truth.

I too would rather face a hard truth any day, than be lied to and not know what I was facing.

That said, it will take time for her to change. Finding lies unacceptable to you may be a good lesson for her to begin with.

There is a lot of damage to mend when an addict gets clean. Sometimes it can make the relationship stronger and sometimes the damage is too destructive. I hope you two can work through this and find some joy again soon.

Hugs
Ann is offline  
Old 06-03-2011, 05:28 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
 
laurie6781's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((TD))) I am sorry I have been remiss in saying a heartfelt WELCOME to Sober Recovery. You have found a GREAT site with lots of experience, strength and hope (ES&H) from folks who have gone through or are going through what you are.

I think your boundary is a GREAT one.

I would just like to add to what Cynical One said.

Early recovery is just the start. Although a big part of recovery is learning how to be 'honest' it just does not happen overnight. I hope she is continuing with some type of program and this will slowly disappear.

I remember when I first got into recovery, that was one of my problems. I had lied about EVERYTHING for so long that it really did take an extreme 'conscious' effort to slowly erase that old tape with a the new one of 'honesty in everything'.

You are correct to NOT condone the lying.

Just remember that when a person, in this case you AW does stop using and/or drinking and starts recovery in earnest, just because they have stopped putting the toxins in their body they are not 'well' yet. This will be a long road for both of you, but can also be a very fulfilling road in the long run for both of you.

I hope you have found some help for YOU also, be it AlAnon or Naranon or some private counseling with a counselor who specializes in addiction. I mention AlAnon, because many times there are more meetings of AlAnon, than Naranon in any given area that fits in better with one's busy schedule. They both work the same.

Also, please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,
laurie6781 is offline  
Old 06-03-2011, 08:44 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
How do you know when an addict is lying? Their lips are moving.

Unfortunately, I found this to be true of my now-ex whether he was clean from drugs OR using them. Without a commitment to a true program of recovery, addicts have this tendency to continue with addict behavior even without the drugs.

That's where the term "dry-drunk" originated. When the alcohol is gone, but the alcoholic behavior remains.

Also something to think about, some people are just pathological liars and sociopaths. They just lie. That's what they do. They can't stop.
hello-kitty is offline  
Old 06-03-2011, 08:45 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I would not go on "date night" with someone who continued to lie to me.
good firm example of a boundary with consequences. keep it up!
hello-kitty is offline  
Old 06-03-2011, 10:54 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Yankee
 
MissTara's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 183
TD...

I agree, you set a very good boundary for yourself. The little lies all add up...and over time one just gets sick of hearing them. Good for you for sticking with it.

I have found that over time, setting boundaries with my addict/alcoholic brother has changed things. He no longer asks me for money or help. Now he calls just to tell me how he is doing and to vent. And I listen.

I hope in time for you and your wife that you can expierence some positive changes...
MissTara is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:52 AM.