sTiLlhErE1986

I'm writing here because I don't know where else to turn. Tonight is my ABF first night at his halfway house and now he isn't answering his phone.

I talked to him 5 hours ago and he said he was going to a meeting and that he would call me later tonight, and he hasn't called. I know that they had curfew a hour ago....

I don't know what to think, this behavior of not answering just makes all those nerves come back that he is out getting high....

I'm a nervous anxious mess and have no way of resolving these feelings. Why won't he just answer the phone?? And why do I care so much that he hasnt called? I feel like he should know I would be worried, I mean who wouldn't I just think its inconsiderate and selfish for him not to call???

laurie6781

Many halfway houses, also include as part of 'curfew' that their cell phones must either be turned off or put on charger in manager's office after curfew until morning. ie phone is on and charging but will go to voice mail as is out of owner's home.

No, it is not inconsiderate and selfish of him not to call. He is at the 'halfway house' to work on himself and that MUST come first.

What are YOU doing for YOU? Have you tried Alanon or Naranon or seeing a therapist?

Just because someone stops using and/or drinking does not mean that they are immediately well. It is a long road ahead for your ABF and a perfect time for you to work on you to learn your own boundaries and get on with your life.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

sTiLlhErE1986

Thank you so much for your reply it is greatly appreciated! I agree with everything you said, it is about his recovery and his first priority doesn't need to be calling me, that is selfish for ME to think.

I just get so caught up in the old feelings of nervousness and anxiety that I need to learn how to handle them and not freak out.

I'm new to all of this so thank you all for putting up with my nonsense and venting!

I have looked into Nar-Anon meetings, but there is only one in my area and it is on nights I have class
I've also ordered Codependent no more, just waiting on it to arrive! Hopefully there will be some useful coping techniques in there I can start to use!

Thanks again for listening!

sTiLlhErE1986

Cynical: I totally agree with you that phones should not be allowed, I was actually shocked that they are.

Also. I honstly don't think the issue is that he split and is somewhere shooting up. I don't know I guess it is more of a problem with myself that I need to learn how to control my emotions(stress, anxiety, nerves) and not freak out.

He always says to me when I obsess about him not answering "It can't always be on YOUR time and when YOU want to talk" maybe hes right???

I has only been a day and I need to just be grateful that he is getting the help he needs and not make myself crazy over the small stuff...

sTiLlhErE1986

You're right, I have been putting all of my efforts into worrying about and caring for him the past 6+ months that I have lost myself.

I'm not going to sit around and let life pass me by anymore. Now I have to remember what I liked to do, for me

laurie6781

That is part of what we are here for. I think everyone of us has been there, lol and it is not a comfortable place to be.

As to Naranon, check out AlAnon as they will probably have more meetings in your area than Naranon (Alanon is an older program, but same principles.)

You are certainly making progress and doing some footwork. I think you will find Melodie Beattie's book "Co Dependent No More" extremely helpful when it arrives. I would suggest you read it with a highlighter at the ready as you will probably find like, like many of us, they come in very handy, lol

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so much.

Love and hugs,

hello-kitty

good for you! Any idea what that looks like? Maybe try making a list of things you've always wanted to do - for yourself, by yourself - and then pick one. Set it as a goal. Write down every step you need to take to accomplish it and then do one step every day!

It's a great way to shift the focus from someone else to yourself. And it's a great way to achieve something.

I love the saying:

How do you move a mountain? One spoonfull at a time.