Setting Boundaries
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Jacksonville Florida
Posts: 48
Setting Boundaries
Since my husband left the household and has been living with his mother, I've been trying to recover myself from all the damage he has done to me and my family. I just can't seem to set any boundaries. If I am setting boundaries, it feels like he is stepping all over them (no surprise there!). For example, he keeps persisting that we remain intimate with each other "and no one else" , he knows I am filing for divorce, so WHY is he saying this to me?
Another example is yesterday, he was supposed to have the kids yesterday afternoon for a few hours (usually I am at work but I am on vacation) and he called me and was sighing and huffing and puffing until I finally asked him what was wrong. (instead of outright talking to me, he made me walk right into his trap of self pity) He said he was too tired to "deal with the kids tonight." "I'll take them another night." Don't get me wrong, I'd rather have my kids here with me, but what if I had plans, or I was working? He puts this blame on me , "since your on vacation, you act like you don't want to spend time with your kids." It makes me SO ANGRY! Excuse me, but I have the kids all day until I go to work at night, so the only break I get is when I go to work! Sorry If I'd like to relax and kick my feet up for a night! I kept the kids anyway, because with him being in such a foul mood, I'd rather him not be around him, but that's not the point. The point is, whenever I'm tired, or in foul mood, or sick, or ANYTHING for that matter, if I were ask him to keep the kids, it would be such an inconvenience. He would probably tell me No, saying something like "My mom doesn't want the kids here tonight..." Its so frustrating, and I'm kicking myself for giving in to him. Its like he has found a new way to manipulate me and he isn't even here!
Tomorrow will be interesting though, he found out I was going to the beach with the kids, and he's invited himself. What do I do? Leave him at the curb holding his beach bag? That would make Me feel better, but its probably not the right thing to do.
Another example is yesterday, he was supposed to have the kids yesterday afternoon for a few hours (usually I am at work but I am on vacation) and he called me and was sighing and huffing and puffing until I finally asked him what was wrong. (instead of outright talking to me, he made me walk right into his trap of self pity) He said he was too tired to "deal with the kids tonight." "I'll take them another night." Don't get me wrong, I'd rather have my kids here with me, but what if I had plans, or I was working? He puts this blame on me , "since your on vacation, you act like you don't want to spend time with your kids." It makes me SO ANGRY! Excuse me, but I have the kids all day until I go to work at night, so the only break I get is when I go to work! Sorry If I'd like to relax and kick my feet up for a night! I kept the kids anyway, because with him being in such a foul mood, I'd rather him not be around him, but that's not the point. The point is, whenever I'm tired, or in foul mood, or sick, or ANYTHING for that matter, if I were ask him to keep the kids, it would be such an inconvenience. He would probably tell me No, saying something like "My mom doesn't want the kids here tonight..." Its so frustrating, and I'm kicking myself for giving in to him. Its like he has found a new way to manipulate me and he isn't even here!
Tomorrow will be interesting though, he found out I was going to the beach with the kids, and he's invited himself. What do I do? Leave him at the curb holding his beach bag? That would make Me feel better, but its probably not the right thing to do.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Sweetie, he was BAITING you and MANIPULATING you. It is called QUACKING.
The next time he starts his huffing and puffing and sighing on the phone and how he will take the kids another time, very quickly say "Fine." and hang up.
As to:
Again MORE QUACKING and looking to get a 'rise' out of you so he can turn the tables on you.
IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE statements like that as if they were not said. IF he repeats ........ a simple "have to go now, bye." and hang up.
Slowly you will learn how to disconnect as he 'steps on your boundaries' and that includes on what is good and is not good for the children.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
The next time he starts his huffing and puffing and sighing on the phone and how he will take the kids another time, very quickly say "Fine." and hang up.
As to:
he keeps persisting that we remain intimate with each other "and no one else" ,
IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE statements like that as if they were not said. IF he repeats ........ a simple "have to go now, bye." and hang up.
Slowly you will learn how to disconnect as he 'steps on your boundaries' and that includes on what is good and is not good for the children.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Boundaries are a tough one for me......I've lived most of my life not understanding that I had a right to have them! An A does a very good job of manipulating us into believing that our boundaries are "wrong" or inappropriate. It serves their purpose to do so.
There's a saying that is thrown around here a lot--say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean. Someone broke it down for me a long time ago and it really helped me.
Say what you mean (state your boundary clearly)
Mean what you say (boundaries are not negotiable)
Don't say it mean (keep emotion out of it)
This little tidbit is something I try to use now in all aspects of my life not just as it applies to the A in my life. Allowing someone to step all over my boundaries and not do anything about it caused a lot of resentment in me. As soon as I stopped playing the martyr (which I was quite good at) and state my boundaries clearly, I started to feel better. It doesn't really make the other person feel better (particularly an A) because the manipulation that has worked in the past is no longer effective. Their behavior usually escalates to try to get us to behave the way we always have. They build resentments but those are THEIR resentments to deal with......not ours.
I have a goal these days.....to remove resentments from my life. It is possible and I feel a whole lot better.
I'm sorry that you are dealing with this right now......it's really hard.
gentle hugs
ke
There's a saying that is thrown around here a lot--say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean. Someone broke it down for me a long time ago and it really helped me.
Say what you mean (state your boundary clearly)
Mean what you say (boundaries are not negotiable)
Don't say it mean (keep emotion out of it)
This little tidbit is something I try to use now in all aspects of my life not just as it applies to the A in my life. Allowing someone to step all over my boundaries and not do anything about it caused a lot of resentment in me. As soon as I stopped playing the martyr (which I was quite good at) and state my boundaries clearly, I started to feel better. It doesn't really make the other person feel better (particularly an A) because the manipulation that has worked in the past is no longer effective. Their behavior usually escalates to try to get us to behave the way we always have. They build resentments but those are THEIR resentments to deal with......not ours.
I have a goal these days.....to remove resentments from my life. It is possible and I feel a whole lot better.
I'm sorry that you are dealing with this right now......it's really hard.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Jacksonville Florida
Posts: 48
Its so hard! I've been ignoring him for most of the morning. He text's me "Good Morning" so instead of replying, I just ignored him. Its very difficult to not talk to him on a daily basis, I guess just because I'm so used to talking to him daily. He WAS my best friend. Its going to be so hard to change what makes me tick, and to stick to my word with him. He always finds a way to sway me to do what HE wants me to do, ( have I ever mentioned he is a great sales man too? haha) ARG! He just knows what to do and say to get me to what he wants. This has got to stop, or I'll never be able to move on and be happy!!
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Somberheart,
I really understand what you are talking about....it is very difficult and learning to set and keep boudaries has been a big struggle in my life. They always just seemed so fluid and I had a difficult time adhering to them. Once I started coming to SR, reading (especially Melody Beattie), started going to Naranon/Alanon meetings, working the steps, and getting a sponsor things began to get better. I still struggle but at least I understand the concepts a whole lot better.
Master manipulators/sales people know how to work those of us that suffer from these issues. I never wanted to be unreasonable and I always wanted to do the right thing. I didn't realize that I was trying to be reasonable in an unreasonable situation!
Keeping your focus on you and your kids is heading in the right direction. Sending you warm thoughts....
I really understand what you are talking about....it is very difficult and learning to set and keep boudaries has been a big struggle in my life. They always just seemed so fluid and I had a difficult time adhering to them. Once I started coming to SR, reading (especially Melody Beattie), started going to Naranon/Alanon meetings, working the steps, and getting a sponsor things began to get better. I still struggle but at least I understand the concepts a whole lot better.
Master manipulators/sales people know how to work those of us that suffer from these issues. I never wanted to be unreasonable and I always wanted to do the right thing. I didn't realize that I was trying to be reasonable in an unreasonable situation!
Keeping your focus on you and your kids is heading in the right direction. Sending you warm thoughts....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: southeast
Posts: 111
Somberheart.....Maybe take the kids to another beach where he wont be able to intrude himself on your time.
I am married to an ah who is also a salesman/charmer, and it got him through many years of addiction. But I am finally over it. He can either be straightforward or not be with me. I am working through that now. It's not easy, but it is going forward. Remain true to yourself.
I am married to an ah who is also a salesman/charmer, and it got him through many years of addiction. But I am finally over it. He can either be straightforward or not be with me. I am working through that now. It's not easy, but it is going forward. Remain true to yourself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
If I am setting boundaries, it feels like he is stepping all over them (no surprise there!).
He has no reason to respect your boundaries because you don't enforce them.
Maybe you should start with easier boundaries... boundaries you are actually willing to stick with... and work up to the harder ones.
This website has some good info on boundaries:
Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self
Yankee
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 183
Somberheart...you made these statements in your posts here.....
***he made me walk right into his trap of self pity***
***He always finds a way to sway me to do what HE wants me to do.***
***He just knows what to do and say to get me to what he wants.***
I used to make those statements all the time about my addict brother & my ex addict fiance. It was a tough pill to swallow when I had to realize that I was responsible for my actions, that I did the things I wanted to do for them because I was sick and simply wanted to do them. They diddn't MAKE me do anything. I did it. Sure, their actions had an impact on my decisions. But....they were MY decisions to make and I made them. I take full responsibility for everything I allowed to happen and now I work my program and things are so much better for me.
I just wanted to share my expierence with you Somberheart on these sentences you stated. I hope it can help in some way....
***he made me walk right into his trap of self pity***
***He always finds a way to sway me to do what HE wants me to do.***
***He just knows what to do and say to get me to what he wants.***
I used to make those statements all the time about my addict brother & my ex addict fiance. It was a tough pill to swallow when I had to realize that I was responsible for my actions, that I did the things I wanted to do for them because I was sick and simply wanted to do them. They diddn't MAKE me do anything. I did it. Sure, their actions had an impact on my decisions. But....they were MY decisions to make and I made them. I take full responsibility for everything I allowed to happen and now I work my program and things are so much better for me.
I just wanted to share my expierence with you Somberheart on these sentences you stated. I hope it can help in some way....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Jacksonville Florida
Posts: 48
Miss Tara...Thank You! You are very right! I am usually one to take responsibility for my own actions. I guess I am so used to blaming him, that its easier to blame him some more?
Hello-kitty, I really appreciate the web link. I think you are right, maybe I should set easier boundaries, ones I can follow especially. Any suggestions?
Hello-kitty, I really appreciate the web link. I think you are right, maybe I should set easier boundaries, ones I can follow especially. Any suggestions?
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