sTiLlhErE1986

I don't really know what my purpose really was for coming to this site, I guess I just wanted to talk to people who knew what I am currently going through. All my friends seem understanding but they can't totally understand because they have never been here.

My boyfriend and love of my life is a struggling heroin addict for the past 5/6 years. He has had random periods of soberity, 1 year, relapse, 8 months, relapse, 6 months, relapse, and so on. We have taken him to detox treatment for a week 2x in the past year and he always used within 24 hours of leaving, says he diidn't really get ahold of the disease by no classes or AA/NA meetings, just doing detox.

Over the past 4 months since his last discharge, he has relapsed and not looked back. Going HARD and pretty much killing himself and his bank account along the way. But 2 weeks ago I feel like we had a breaking point, he decided that he really did need to get help, actually work his steps or (in HIS words) "he would either be dead, in jail, or a homeless junkie" and he doesnt want that. He has goals and aspirations and the means to do so.

So finally today I dropped him off at the detox bed for 5 days with a plan to go to a halfway house for 6 months following. He said he is excited to actually be happy again and is tired of living this life.

I guess I have a few questions here:

Has anyone else been in this situation, when can I start to believe this is real and not just gonna repeat what happened before??

Also, does anyone have any advice on some motivational readings or meditations I can get ahold of just so I can geet my racing mind off all of what he has going on back onto myself and my sanity???

Sorry I rampled and thanks for listening!!! Any replies are GREATLY apprecited!

milo88

I did struggle along with my own partner for many years in and out of addiction, but he never enthusiastically embraced a plan like your own has. I think that's fantastic that he made the decision himself and was actually excited - that's the only way it can work, when they really really do want to stop. My fingers are crossed for both of you!
As for you, I also understand how hard it is not to be obsessed with if they're okay or not etc etc etc. I think I actually became quite sick by doing that. One thing I really wish I'd done when it was going on was to go to an Al Anon meeting. I went to one recently and was amazed at what a relief it was to be there and hear others talking so openly about their own struggles. I didn't actually talk, but I knew I could if I kept going. I really think the people close to the one with the addiction need just as much support, and in getting support for yourself you can be of much greater help to him too.
It's even helpful, I think, just to be able to go on living your own life as normally as you possibly can so that they have something to come back to.
Sending you both good vibes! xxxx

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR...you have stumbled onto a great forum with many people who can relate to what you are experiencing.

You can believe it one day at a time. It will be his actions, not his words that matter. There is no useful purpose in trying to predict the future so we try to stay in today and be grateful.

There's a saying around here "work the program you wish they would work". Most of us have found that we become disfunctional in dealing daily with the addict in our lives. We need to do a lot of work on ourselves. Here are a few of the books I use for motivation:

CoDependent No More by Melody Beatty
The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beatty (daily reader-app on iPhone)
Sharing Experience Strength & Hope (Naranon daily reader)
Secret Daily Teachings by Rhonda Byrne (daily reader-app on iPhone)
On Day at a Time in Alanon (Alanon daily reader)

I also go to two 12 step programs per week (Alanon & Naranon) to work on myself and am working the 12 steps through those programs. I am doing a group 12 step work which is wonderful! I love it!

These are the things I do to keep my side of the street clean so to speak and allow the addict in my life the dignity to live his life as he chooses without my interference. He is currently active in his addiction and I am active in my recovery (codependence). It helps me to maintain my sanity while he spirals in his disease. However, if he was active in recovery, I would be doing the same thing I'm doing now because I believe that I am becoming a better person as a result of my work on me. And I don't have time to concentrate on others or "fix" them or control then, when I am concentrating on fixing what I have control of.....me.

It's good to hear that your boyfriend is heading toward recovery. He will be in my prayers today.

gentle hugs
ke

hello-kitty

All you can really do is work the recovery program that you wish he would work - go to al-anon meetings, read self-help books, post here. Take action to improve your own life - then no matter what his choices are in the future - you are guaranteed to have a better life.

sTiLlhErE1986

Thank you all so much for your words of wisdom! I took your advice and looked up the Nar-Anon meetings in my area, luckily there is a new one starting near me, it meets on Thursdays, I am still hesistant if I am going to go this week, but I do plan on going! I also am looking into some of those books to help myself and get my mind off him. I tried my best to just stay busy today and not let my mind wander too much...some of the past times he was in detox I found myself wandering "hmm I wander what he is doing or why hasn't he called?" And this time if that pops into my head I keep telling myself to not waste my time worrying about it because I can't do anything about it. And I know from previous experiences he is pretty sick at this point, almost hitting the 24 hour mark!
He did call me today, about a hour ago, just to say hi and he's doing ok and asked for the number of his halfway house I'm optimistic at this point but I don't want to get my hopes up too much!!

hello-kitty

I love this version of the serenity prayer - it helps me stay focused on me and what I can do which helps me remain somewhat calm and in control of myself, even in the worst situations:

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the person I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.

BarelyHere

For meditations check out the chopra center or deepak chopra. They have great meditations I use every day.
Wishing you great success

lightseeker

I agree with the concept of working the recovery program for yourself that you wish that your loved one would work. I know that that is what has saved my life. No matter what happens you will end up better off. That is a concept that really helped me to take a chance with my husband when he finally started to get sober.

I think that the reason that it's difficult to trust someone's new recovery is because that is prudent to do....you've gone through a lot of relapses and they say that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. When you experience actions and someone doing the next right thing then trust will begin to occur. Trust is not something that is "given" it is something that is earned. If you are not trusting it is because you have reasons to be skeptical. I think that when we override those feelings we create a lot of torment for ourselves with worry and anxiety.

It's a bumpy road to deal with someone that is addicted and seeking sobriety. My husband never really did it on his own...I was his soft place to land and he never really dug down deep and worked a recovery program. That cost us our relationship. In hindsight, I wish that I had had the strength to insist on staying at a distance while he did what he needed to do (or not) and then deciding if he was someone that I wanted to be with. He was the love of my life - but going through everything with him has made me realize that maybe I should be the love of my life.

I'm glad that you found this site. I found it 6 years ago at about the same stage with my then BF. It has helped me tremendously...you will find a lot of wisdom, support, and understanding. Welcome....

Kindeyes

Lightseeker.....just wanted to say that I love that!

gentle hugs
ke