rlee5

I currently am in a relationship with a recovering heroin addict. He has very recently become clean, just a little over a week. Before his recovery I would hardly ever see him, usually once or twice a week. Due to the fact that he would way rather go get high than ever be with me. To me that is hardly a relationship at all but I continually tried to be as supportive as I could be and just accepted the way things were at that time. He is now in recovery and he attends NA meetings everyday sometimes twice a day. Now I feel as if he would rather attend meetings than be with me. I feel that I'm constantly competing for his attention. Does any of this make sense? Am I being selfish because I want some undivided attention which I have never really had before? I understand that recovery is a lifetime process and he needs to focus on himself but than what should I do? I have been focusing on myself through this whole situation and I literally have no idea what I'm suppose to do. I try to do things to keep myself and my brain active so I can just think about something else but it just isnt working. I want to try and explain this to him but I dont want to put pressure on him because I know that he is fragile still. I need some advice.

Ann

These meetings may just save his life...nothing is more important than that. Meetings last about an hour, maybe two...that leaves 22 hours in a day to find time for you.

Putting you before his recovery is very dangerous for him and for you too. He needs to take care of himself especially in early recovery right now.

Maybe find some Al-anon, Nar-anon or CoDA meetings for yourself. They can help you find your balance and learn to live your life well, regardless of how he is living his.

Or take a course, join an group that shares your interests, find a hobby, take walks in nature, join a library...do something fun for yourself that doesn't require the participation of anyone else.

Competing for anyone's time is a losing proposition, especially when the time they spend on recovery really is very important.

Good luck.

Hugs

Kindeyes

The best thing that I did for my own sanity was to begin to take care of my needs first.

I am lucky. I have a very wonderful relationship with my husband. He's a good man and is not an addict/alcoholic (my qualifier is my son). But even in a healthy, loving relationship it is important to realize that we are two very separate individuals and we do not provide everything that the other needs.

I use to want my husband to do everything with me. Constantly. I use to drag him to do things that I wanted to do. I love him so much that I thought I wanted to spend every minute with him. But that's not realistic.

Once I stopped that and began enjoying time to myself, doing things with friends, going places by myself, I learned to really enjoy and appreciate the time my husband and I do spend together. And he appreciates that the pressure is off of him to do things that he really didn't want to do in the first place.

Ann's words were so very well stated. Loving an addict is tough. Allow him the room to work on himself.....or you may not have him at all.

gentle hugs
ke

Babyblue

What is the alternative to his not being in recovery? Important to remember that.

A week is barely a hot second of recovery and the more he does early on, the better his chances of staying clean.

Go to Naranon, go out and do things for yourself.

I think the idea that they stop using makes us think the world is going to be this magical place again in the relationship but there is still lots of work and healing to be done on both parts.