StartingOver201

Hi everyone,
I recently posted a tiny bit in the Newcomers Section but I am hoping you could offer me a bit of advice. I had been dating a great guy for about 2-3 months. I knew he smoked weed but I did not know that he was using cocaine until our last date. A week or two before this last date, he was not acting his usual attentive self and did not even seem like he was looking forward to going out with me. At first, he came on quit a bit strong, in a good way, just surprising to me. I tried to hold back emotionally as best as I could. I had just left a very long term relationship and was wary of the typical rebound. He probably could sense this. On our last date, he was very distant and I noticed cocaine residue in his nose - I didn't say anything, I was actually quit shocked. He left to the the bathroom and came back with a clean nose. I know he knows I saw it. Two weekends in a row I had other plans and could not get together with him. We finally set up a day to meet and he cancelled on me saying he got a bug. I have not heard from him since this. I sent a random txt a few days later just to say Hi, how are you? but no response. I really liked this guy and he has honorable plans for the future that could have included me but I guess he lost interest or I didn't give him enough attention. Now, a month later. I find I am pregnant. I don't know how to handle telling him. I also just found out that he had been into cocaine a few years back too. He is at a very down time in his life and I know he has self confidence issues, so the coke must alleviate that for now. He loves children and I think he will want an active part in the childs life. But what do I say? What boundries do I set? He has always wanted children of his own, could this be something to inspire him to reasses his lifestyle. It will be hard enough to be a single parent alone. Thanks for any tips you can offer:-)

StartingOver201

Thanks for such a quick reply:-) I'm sorry. I certainly did not mean to sound like I was waving a child to change someone. I just was asking advice and trying to give you a few of his characteristics. I have never been an addict and frankly, have never known one. It is hard on the outside looking in, not to have a heart for some. And yes, I know, they can only change themselves.

Yes, I am a fully capable grown woman. I am surprised to find myself in this situation, but will be able to care for a child on my own.

MissTara

Those are indeed all good questions that Anvilhead asked above. I would think long and hard about this and the decisions you are about to make. This child is not going to make him magically stop using cocaine or anything else that he may be doing. I know it would be hard to be a single parent on your own, I am one, but it would be even harder to raise one with a cocaine addict whom you have known for a few months.

I would suggest you do some research on addiction. Also to read the stickie posts on the top section of this forum.


Take care of you...

Chino

Do you think an active addict should be a part of a child's life?

If you decide to tell him and he's still using, he may insist on parental rights, or not. If he does, the legal/addiction nightmare begins.

I'm not suggesting you don't tell him, just saying be VERY aware of where each choice might take you.

Regardless of him, congrats on your pregnancy!

StartingOver201

Thank for the Congrats:-) I know that alone and single will be a rough road, but none the less, I am thankful for the blessing.

That is part of my problem, I am having a hard time with the idea of not telling a father he has a child. Does everyone think that is the right thing to do?

I don't think there is a court in this country that would give him more parental rights than myself. Though I better familarize with what those rights could entail.

Florence

SO, I'm not going to speak for anyone other than myself. I'm pregnant with an addict husband now and had a child with a severely abusive man about 12 years ago (I sure know how to pick 'em!). Both men are involved in my life to a maddening degree. In and out of court with the first one, lot of fears about whether the kids are safe, lasting trauma with my son from his father's meanness...

My friends whose babydaddy's *aren't* involved have had a far easier run than I have, even without the extra (unreliable) pair of hands and extra (unreliable) resource for baby stuff and money. Just saying.

Babyblue

Great guys don't have to have things pointed out to them if they are about to be dads.

Great guys don't hide serious things (like addiction) from people.

Great guys don't disappear.

Great guys don't have girlfriends who are facing huge fears at bringing their child into the world.

They are there for him. If he can't handle what is going on between you two now, there is no way he can handle parenting.

Wish I had some help to give you but 2-3 months isn't long to know someone. Sadly you are getting to know him as the situation between you is becoming complicated.

Tell him any way you want to about the pregancy. I don't think it will change the outcome.

dollydo

Rest assured he is not going to be a positive influence on your child. You have not known him long enough to know if he has honorable plans or loves children. Those are just his words, they don't matter, it is the actions that speak for themselves.

If you have not been tested for any sexual transmitted diseases I would high tail it to the doctor. He is an addict, and as such, he does not make good decisions when it comes to sex.

What is the hurry in telling him? If you are thinking that you can use it as a wedge to get him back, or, to get him off of drugs,it won't work. Sit back and think this through then decide whether to tell him or not.

Keep posting, it will help.

Chino

That's a great place to start. If you speak with an attorney, please remember to include that he's an active addict. Besides learning parental rights, it's a really good idea to learn how to protect you and your baby, too. Be proactive.

There's lots of stories here on this forum and the sticky posts (back one page from this, at the top) are informative, too. A real eye opener is one called What Addicts Do. It pretty much sums up what contact with an active addict looks like, at least in my experience.

fourmaggie

run! and run away fast.....

he needs to do his own recovery when he hits his ROCK BOTTOM...

Girl, this is about you and now the baby...read, and read some more....raising a baby is hard! yep yep...as you can see some of us are....all i can say...is we are here to support you and tell you what happened to us....

be patient and find your footing....maybe its alone? dunno...but ask your HP to help...and also maybe go to a NAR ANON or AL ANON if you can find one...does not hurt to start...so much wisdom behind those doors...

tjp613

Frankly, I wouldn't even tell him about the child. I know that's wrong on so many levels, but no way would I want an freaking drug addict in my child's life...and MY life...forever and ever. Nope.

DontBurnThePig

If you want the baby, then have it and do it on your own. I honestly wouldn't even tell him, but that's me personally.

Is this the kind of person you want 'fathering' your child?

Kindeyes

I've struggled with how to respond to your post. There are so many things that are not mentioned in your original post that I wonder about. Do you have a good support network? How old are you? Do you have a job? Will you be ok raising this little baby alone? I'm thinking about you and this little tiny being in your womb. Because those are the two most important people (to me) in this scenario.

My son is an addict. He already has one child whom I love dearly. My son's promiscuity concerns me as I am always concerned he will father more children. His little boy is lucky because he has a wonderful Momma who abandoned her lifestyle and finished college and has a great job with a wonderful support system. Her support system includes us, the child's paternal grandparents. But absent is his father.....my son.

It breaks my heart but there is not a thing I can do about it. He is a drug addict. He is not able to do the things that a father is suppose to do: be dependable, be trustworthy, loving, provide guidance. Drugs do that. It's not that he's a bad person. He's a sick person. Addiction is a disease.

I sincerely hope and pray that you are prepared to be the best Momma you can be. I hope that you have a wonderful support system. I've watched my grandson's mother raising her little boy with the help of her family and my husband and I. My son's contribution......occasional disruption.

This is our story. And it's not a terrible one. Our grandson is beautiful and bright and a joy in our lives and I am so glad that his Momma decided to have him. I wish for you the best. You and your little child will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

StartingOver201

Hi KE, thanks for your response :-) I am 32, have a great job, great insurance and a supportive family. I can do this on my own. I just never thought I would be in this position to have to. I am brand new to the drug addiction world, as you probably can tell by my naive post and the "what is this idiot thinking" replies :-) I had only been seeing the father for a few months and I did not know what he might be in to. As a grandparent, do you feel your grandsons mother (and your grandson) would have been better off if your son was never notifed he had a child? Maybe you knew her well so this was not even an option for her. I can't help but to think there is so much more to consider other than "drugs". Maybe that is naive too?

Kindeyes

SO201
That is a relief to know that you are mature and are fully prepared to do what you need to do to raise this child.....knowing that you will very likely be a single parent. I'm glad that you have a supportive family. You can do this.

In our situation, my son and his girlfriend had been together for three years before she became pregnant so yes......we knew her fairly well. In addition, they stayed together for almost a year before splitting up due to his alcoholism/addiction. After the baby was born, she came to work for our family business so that she could bring little one to work with her, nurse him, and he was raised for that first year in our offices. He also spent every Saturday with me for the first four years of his life so his Momma could work. I was one of his primary care givers. Working for us gave her the opportunity to go back to school and finish her 4 year degree and she now is employed in her field and no longer works for us. We feel very blessed that in spite of our sons spiraling addiction, she has allowed us to be a very important part of this little boy's life. We adore him.

So that is the long answer to your question....they were very much together throughout the pregnancy and the first year of the baby's life. Telling vs. not telling were not really considered. I will tell you that my son put A LOT of pressure on her to terminate the pregnancy. I know that in his heart he loves his son. He also is aware that he is not being a good father. I think he feels a lot of shame. He has a lot of regrets. He is angry with the world. He says that we "took his son away from him" but drugs took his son from him. And I understand his pain and anger......drugs took my son from me too.

Addiction/alcoholism is a progressive disease. It doesn't get better......it gets worse. It can be brought into a form of "remission" (it is referred to as "recovery") so to speak but requires dedication and determination on the part of the addict/alcoholic. My son is quite advanced in his disease. He is a meth addict and is going to be 30 years old in June. He has used drugs/alcohol since the age of about 14/15 years old. Drug addiction is the most baffling disease. It is not like other diseases where the person is diagnosed and they are willing participants to treatment and things get better. It is a disease that affects behavior and mental/spiritual aspects as well.

Ultimately, the decision is yours to make whether you notify the father's baby or not. Nothing, however, will make him stop doing drugs unless he decides it is to be. Impending fatherhood will not. Looking at the baby for the first time will not. Nothing will make him stop unless he wants to stop more than anything else in the world.

I would not blame you for not telling him and choosing to raise the baby alone without the father. I would understand your desire to tell him.

My best suggestion, no matter what you decide to do regarding advising the baby's father, is to begin understanding the disease and codependency. My codependency with my son began the day he was born. It was an unhealthy relationship from the beginning. I would have done a better job raising him if I understood my codependent tendencies. I would have done a better job of dealing with his early addiction/alcoholism if I had understood the genetic nature of the disease.

There are great resources out there. A book that is often recommended is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatty (all of her books are excellent by the way--I've read most of them--she also has a compelling story). I also attend Alanon and Naranon meetings and am working the 12 steps and plan to do so for the rest of my life. I find that these steps help me in all aspects of my life, not just in dealing with my son's disease.

Although you may feel that you received some less than warm and fuzzy responses here, there is a lot of collective wisdom here on SR regarding addiction and codependency. I hope you stick around. Make friends. Find support.

You are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke

hello-kitty

Hey, You are going to be fine. But no matter how honorable his plans were when it came to you, if he's using cocaine he won't be able to follow through. That's just the nature of addiction. Big plans. No follow thru. The drugs ALWAYS come first.

My son's father loved kids too - but that didn't make him good parent material. I encouraged him to be a part of my son's life but now I feel that my son (who is 5 years old now) would have been WAY BETTER OFF if he had never known his father. My son spent the first couple of years of his life seeing his father but because his father is a drug addict I had to put an end to it. I just couldn't have him coming and going out of my life and my son's life. He was unpredictable - he couldn't stay straight. He was drunk or high most of the time. he taught my son some bad habits - even at the age of three. He wasn't a father. He was an overgrown toddler. Now, unfortunately, my son is heartbroken that his dad isn't around. He idolizes his dad. He doesn't understand why we aren't together - no matter how I explain it to him it hurts him horribly. He thinks his dad was the greatest ever and that I am responsible for him leaving. He doesn't understand drugs. He blames me.

If I could go back I never would have put his father's name on the birth certificate. It has REALLY screwed up a lot of things for me. For example, I can't get a passport for my boy without his fathers permission and his father is a raging cocaine and crack addict. I want nothing to do with him because I dont' want drugs in my life or the life of my son.

What's REALLY scary is that if I died, the courts would track down my son's father and most likely he would end up raising him. That's frightening.

It would have been better if I had just left "Father" blank on the B.C. for sure!

sTiLlhErE1986

I can understand you are uneasy about your situation, it is one that I'm sure you never imagined you would be in. I don't have any experience with this but I know personally I would not be able to go without telling a father about his child.

But I also would not want my child to grow up with a active addict as a father. As some other people have posted, your baby will most likely be better off with you and your family caring and loving for them. Maybe down the road he will clean up his act and then he could be a part of his child's life. But when someone is in active addiction they don't even seem to care about or love themselves so how could they even begin to love a baby?

Congratulations and you and your baby are in my prayers!!