Finally grew a pair of balls.
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Finally grew a pair of balls.
Some of you may remember me. Posted a little while back about my wife's pill addiction and her being on Suboxone for the past ~5 years.
Finally decided to grow a pair of balls and tell her I am done. Well, I wrote her a letter and left it on the bed this morning so I am expecting a crazed phone call from her any time now. It may be a little cowardly to do it that way but also seemed like the best way to say what I needed to say without her trying to steer/manipulate the conversation.
I've had my mind made up for a few months now but had been struggling with how to approach the topic. Wrote the letter last week and knew it was time to give it to her considering she told me her Suboxone doctor said she might not be able to get off of it and may have to be on it for the rest of her life. I realize that after being on it this long, it probably has affected her brain chemistry significantly, it might take some time to get off but I just don't buy the fact she would have to be on it forever.
But the other reason I think I was ready to go is probably more by the content of my letter. If I wrote it a few months ago, it would have been mostly about how much of a horrible person she is and would have mostly finger pointed at her behavior and her addiction.
Instead, I've realized that although the addiction is a problem, our co-dependent relationship is what is really toxic and have been putting both of us in a downward spiral. So in the end, it is best for our combined physical and mental health to just move on.
I'm also offering her a fair deal when it comes to support, asset division, ... So in the end it is up to her if she wants to make it complicated for nothing. On my end, I feel more that it's whatever it takes to get my own life and health back in order.
Now, i'm reading that phone call when she reads the letter
Sebby
Finally decided to grow a pair of balls and tell her I am done. Well, I wrote her a letter and left it on the bed this morning so I am expecting a crazed phone call from her any time now. It may be a little cowardly to do it that way but also seemed like the best way to say what I needed to say without her trying to steer/manipulate the conversation.
I've had my mind made up for a few months now but had been struggling with how to approach the topic. Wrote the letter last week and knew it was time to give it to her considering she told me her Suboxone doctor said she might not be able to get off of it and may have to be on it for the rest of her life. I realize that after being on it this long, it probably has affected her brain chemistry significantly, it might take some time to get off but I just don't buy the fact she would have to be on it forever.
But the other reason I think I was ready to go is probably more by the content of my letter. If I wrote it a few months ago, it would have been mostly about how much of a horrible person she is and would have mostly finger pointed at her behavior and her addiction.
Instead, I've realized that although the addiction is a problem, our co-dependent relationship is what is really toxic and have been putting both of us in a downward spiral. So in the end, it is best for our combined physical and mental health to just move on.
I'm also offering her a fair deal when it comes to support, asset division, ... So in the end it is up to her if she wants to make it complicated for nothing. On my end, I feel more that it's whatever it takes to get my own life and health back in order.
Now, i'm reading that phone call when she reads the letter
Sebby
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Sebby
It does take a lot of courage to change things. You're taking steps to change. When I did that 28 years ago with my ex, he did everything in his power to try to upset me and throw me off course so be prepared not to play into it. I did the same as you are planning. I made everything as easy as possible on him. I took all debt. He still made it hell on me and did a lot of manipulating and baiting. Back then, I read a great book called "Games Divorced People Play". Don't know if it's still out there but it helped me to identify the games he would begin so that I wouldn't inadvertently play along.
Good luck to you. I hope that you are able to make a clean break and begin your new life.
Come here often for support.
gentle hugs
ke
It does take a lot of courage to change things. You're taking steps to change. When I did that 28 years ago with my ex, he did everything in his power to try to upset me and throw me off course so be prepared not to play into it. I did the same as you are planning. I made everything as easy as possible on him. I took all debt. He still made it hell on me and did a lot of manipulating and baiting. Back then, I read a great book called "Games Divorced People Play". Don't know if it's still out there but it helped me to identify the games he would begin so that I wouldn't inadvertently play along.
Good luck to you. I hope that you are able to make a clean break and begin your new life.
Come here often for support.
gentle hugs
ke
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Thanks Kindeyes.
We had a talk. Mostly hovered about her asking what she could do to keep us together. I said I wasn't sure there was anything. She decided to go to a hotel room for a couple days so "I could think about it".
Either way, I figure a few days off to think and cool off is probably best anyways. With this both of us are probably too emotional to make some of the finer decisions today...
We had a talk. Mostly hovered about her asking what she could do to keep us together. I said I wasn't sure there was anything. She decided to go to a hotel room for a couple days so "I could think about it".
Either way, I figure a few days off to think and cool off is probably best anyways. With this both of us are probably too emotional to make some of the finer decisions today...
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As for her. The definition of a program consists of seeing her pain doctor who is supposed to be tapering her off the meds. She's been to rehab before, she knows what she really needs to do. And of course claims she can't attend meetings and such before she is off the Suboxone.
As for me, I did attend a few CODA meetings, read books on codependancy. In a way, I have educated myself but no I am not active in any program at the moment.
As for me, I did attend a few CODA meetings, read books on codependancy. In a way, I have educated myself but no I am not active in any program at the moment.
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She made up an excuse and you don't offer one, which I thought was great 
I asked for a couple of reasons. The first is a general observation about addict/enabler relationships. The odds drop significantly, if both people aren't working some kind of recovery program. It can be the same path or parallel, and at different speeds, but both have to be moving in the same general direction separately, before they can move forward together.
Your wife's meds are her business. It's entirely possible her brain has lost the ability to produce endorphins or enough of them. Or she's just not ready. Maybe she doesn't care. Regardless, it's her addiction to manage. Hands off the addict!
Your wife is not pursuing recovery, so she won't reap any of the rewards. Same ole, same ole. If nothing changes, nothing changes. The same goes for you. Without some kind of internal change, you'll both carry toxic behavior with you wherever you go.
It's a huge knot to unravel but it's oh so worth it!
If you all are past the point of no return, so be it. Do what you gotta do. Just please consider pursuing your own recovery
I asked for a couple of reasons. The first is a general observation about addict/enabler relationships. The odds drop significantly, if both people aren't working some kind of recovery program. It can be the same path or parallel, and at different speeds, but both have to be moving in the same general direction separately, before they can move forward together.
Your wife's meds are her business. It's entirely possible her brain has lost the ability to produce endorphins or enough of them. Or she's just not ready. Maybe she doesn't care. Regardless, it's her addiction to manage. Hands off the addict!
Your wife is not pursuing recovery, so she won't reap any of the rewards. Same ole, same ole. If nothing changes, nothing changes. The same goes for you. Without some kind of internal change, you'll both carry toxic behavior with you wherever you go.
It's a huge knot to unravel but it's oh so worth it!
If you all are past the point of no return, so be it. Do what you gotta do. Just please consider pursuing your own recovery
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She always seems to have a reason. Can't while still on meds. Too many creepy guys there... QUACK QUACK QUACK.
One thing I realized and I told in my letter is that I was done trying to assign blame. The core issue was that our addict/codependent relationship was toxic and the only way I could see both of us being healthy again was to move on.
Oh and I forgot to mention, I am seeing a therapist in regards to those issues. Not that it really counts as a recovery program but at least it counts for something. And overall, I know there is A LOT of things I need to fix in my life once I get to move on. Physical and mental health issues, diet, exercise, career, finances. But feel that can't really mane any significant progress in any of those fronts while I am in this toxic environment.
One thing my therapist said that stuck with me is "Depression is indecision". So as long as I just maintained status quo, nothing would change or improve. Doesn't mean the decision will be the best one but at least it is some momentum in a direction.
One thing I realized and I told in my letter is that I was done trying to assign blame. The core issue was that our addict/codependent relationship was toxic and the only way I could see both of us being healthy again was to move on.
Oh and I forgot to mention, I am seeing a therapist in regards to those issues. Not that it really counts as a recovery program but at least it counts for something. And overall, I know there is A LOT of things I need to fix in my life once I get to move on. Physical and mental health issues, diet, exercise, career, finances. But feel that can't really mane any significant progress in any of those fronts while I am in this toxic environment.
One thing my therapist said that stuck with me is "Depression is indecision". So as long as I just maintained status quo, nothing would change or improve. Doesn't mean the decision will be the best one but at least it is some momentum in a direction.
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Originally Posted by sebby1234 
Oh and I forgot to mention, I am seeing a therapist in regards to those issues. Not that it really counts as a recovery program but at least it counts for something.
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Well, she is returning from her hotel room today, probably in a few hours. At least that's unless she changed her mind.
Did have a talk with her two days ago. Just really felt like a sales pitch about how everything was going to be different. How we need to work as a team. QUACK QUACK QUACK. Maybe she really means it or not, I don't think i really matters at this point. And just the fact that she only acts because of the fact I put figurative gun to her head with the divorce request. I told her I had strong doubts that anything would really change and really still wanted a divorce and I would sleep over it.
We havn't talked since so it should make for an ackward return to home. In a way I don't really want to be there and I don't know what her state of mind will be. But until I get my own place, I don't really have anywhere to go.
Did have a talk with her two days ago. Just really felt like a sales pitch about how everything was going to be different. How we need to work as a team. QUACK QUACK QUACK. Maybe she really means it or not, I don't think i really matters at this point. And just the fact that she only acts because of the fact I put figurative gun to her head with the divorce request. I told her I had strong doubts that anything would really change and really still wanted a divorce and I would sleep over it.
We havn't talked since so it should make for an ackward return to home. In a way I don't really want to be there and I don't know what her state of mind will be. But until I get my own place, I don't really have anywhere to go.
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Well, she has returned and decided to play the "lets pretend nothing happened" game. 
As my sister suggested, just find a new place and move. Then she won't have a choice to get the message.
As my sister suggested, just find a new place and move. Then she won't have a choice to get the message.
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Just came back from signing a lease for a new place. Move in 2 weeks. A little impulsive but I've been looking around for a good month now. Might as well get the ball rolling. Like my therapist says "depression is indecision". So now I've made a decision and am heading in A DIRECTION.
The misses will blow a fuse when I tell her that.
The misses will blow a fuse when I tell her that.
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Wow Sebby! You're making decisions to take care YOU!!! I hate to see any marriage suffer difficulties or end in separation or divorce. But sometimes, it's the reality. I divorced my unstable, undependable, drug/alcohol abusing husband 28+ years ago. Two years later....met my husband whom I love dearly and have been married to for 26 years (on Wednesday!).
Sometimes endings are just new beginnings.
You are in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
Sometimes endings are just new beginnings.
You are in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
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