changethemusic

I have been told by many people that wether or not to stay or to go was a matter of personal choice. I have spent 15yrs feeling stuck between the 2. I felt like if I chose to stay I could not later change my mind if I needed to. I have learned so much here and at Nar Anon. After taking a break and taking care of me for awhile I have decided to stay with him for now. I also credit those people here who have addictions. I can see the small changes in him that take place as he tries to find his way, even though he slips sometimes. I have learned that for some it does not happen all at once, over night. The changes I have made to help myself, I believe have indeed made a difference at least in the way I feel and the way I respond to him. And I think at least for now it has helped him even if only a little bit. I still have to be careful. I have to find the line between doing things for him and being supportive of him in a constructive way. I have to maintain what I have for myself, which is why, even though he is here again today, I still came back to this site. I must resist the urge to think it's all better now and the work is done. I must continue to take care of me. I must go to that open NA meeting tonight as planned, even if he chooses not to. Any input on any of this is most welcome. I'm thankful that today at least I don't feel like .

Ann

Keep going to those meetings and taking care of yourself...life will take you to where you are supposed to be.

With recovery and support on your side, you will make good choices as you go.

Hugs

Kindeyes

It sounds like you are in a good place for now. Self care is so very important. You seem to have found a nice balance. I hope you continue to share your experience, strength and hope. You may not know it, but it helps others.

gentle hugs
ke

changethemusic

I sit here today at peace with myself. Even though he, at this point does not want to work a program and of course has slipped a little more. I did not react to the bizarre behavior he displayed. Rather I said I could not control what he does or doesn't do. I got a chance-prior to the odd behavior to clear the air in a way that made me feel good. Calmly, without anger. I did see some small things he had done to try and move down the right road in a positive way and told him so. He didn't sell his phone this time and had replaced the ring I bought him that he had sold for drugs. It doesn't mean that today he won't sell them again, but that is not my concern. I am my concern. I learned just how bad his memory has become as he did not realize he had been gone a month this time. I know when he's full of ----- and when he at least believes what he's saying and it's sad but he really didn't know. That's what a month long bender (with a few days to crash added in here and there) will get ya I guess. The other bad thing I saw with my own eyes, he had "rented" a car that belonged to someone else to the dealer. He did get it back from said dealer and claimed he was returning it to it's owner. Last thing he said before he hung up with me was I'll call you in 45 minutes or so (ya sure). That was noon yesterday. And guess what? I am ok. He knows he can't contact me if he's high. It's hard not to know when he does things at times because the crackhouse he goes to at times is 4 doors away from my Aunt and Uncle and as I have said, the dealer either has big ones or he's dumb as a stick or just doesn't care if he gets caught dealing in a small family neighborhood.
Because of his mental state and Cohrons (spelling?) disease being in advance stages I do not want to push him away all together at this point.
One last thing, here on SB there's a post about "snooping" which I can relate to. I snooped for a long time. Then I decided I knew more than I wanted to already and didn't want to know anymore. Now he had gotten used to the snooping and I think it became part of the "game" a part he rather liked maybe? Because when he realized that I no longer did it, no longer cared to dwell on the lifestyle and drugs that were killing him, he had no idea how to respond just said "oh" in a disappointed way. I don't know if it will have any impact on what he does from here on out. But I know I feel a heck of a lot better. It was hard to do but I did it. I no longer go lookin for trouble. I started small, I will not look at his phone. Then I added things from there. Hope that helps someone with the snooping issue we seem to have.

hello-kitty

Hi changed. I'm glad you've reach a place of personal acceptance. That will probably do wonders for your mental state. At some point I just accepted that my now-ex was a crack addict and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. That was the beginning of my serenity. I was then able to take the focus off him and put it on me - on making myself a better, happier person no matter what his choices were.

Crack addiction is so ugly. Please take steps to protect yourself physically, emotionally and financially.