Should I Stay or Should I go?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Long island, NY
Posts: 18
Should I Stay or Should I go?
Hello Everyone,
It's been months since I posted here. The last time I was here, I was going through a rough time with my H IV addict boyfriend who relapsed. He came down too fast on the methadone clinic and relapsed. which took me on another rollercoaster ride for a few months and turned my life upside down.
We had just moved into a condo after living in an apt, we have moved so many times due to his unstable circumstances.
The hard part is that when he is not relapsing, he is a great guy, you would never suspect him of being an addict. he has his own share of family issues and troubled past and abusive childhood, his mother is an addict, he has been through a lot, and besides the addiction, he is a good guy for the most part.
here's my problem, I dont know if I should keep trying and stay with him or if I should move on and let this go. does he need to stay on the methadone forever? can he ever be totally clean? Am I being very naive to all of this?
I am a good person with a big heart and I try to see the good and look at the possibilities, but I'm going to be 34 this year and want to get married and possibly have kids before it's too late. he wants all of these things too, he often talks about wanting to marry me and how I'm his life, I just can't shake the big pink elephant in the room, his addiction. will he be able to live a normal life. be a good father?
am I fooling myself?
Any advice, life lessons, etc would be greatly apppreciated
It's been months since I posted here. The last time I was here, I was going through a rough time with my H IV addict boyfriend who relapsed. He came down too fast on the methadone clinic and relapsed. which took me on another rollercoaster ride for a few months and turned my life upside down.
We had just moved into a condo after living in an apt, we have moved so many times due to his unstable circumstances.
The hard part is that when he is not relapsing, he is a great guy, you would never suspect him of being an addict. he has his own share of family issues and troubled past and abusive childhood, his mother is an addict, he has been through a lot, and besides the addiction, he is a good guy for the most part.
here's my problem, I dont know if I should keep trying and stay with him or if I should move on and let this go. does he need to stay on the methadone forever? can he ever be totally clean? Am I being very naive to all of this?
I am a good person with a big heart and I try to see the good and look at the possibilities, but I'm going to be 34 this year and want to get married and possibly have kids before it's too late. he wants all of these things too, he often talks about wanting to marry me and how I'm his life, I just can't shake the big pink elephant in the room, his addiction. will he be able to live a normal life. be a good father?
am I fooling myself?
Any advice, life lessons, etc would be greatly apppreciated
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Yes. If we look hard enough we can find good in everyone, but that doesn't mean we should marry them.
Most addicts ARE great people when they aren't relapsing. The problem is they ARE relapsing.
And EVERYONE has possibilities to be great, it's what they do with them that counts. The possibility of recovery isn't a reason to put your future and dreams on hold just to see if he might make better choices in the future.
My suggestion? Move on with your life... give him some space to get his act together. And get yours together. See how different things are a year from now. We should NEVER wait around and hang our future on the hope that someone will change. Because most likely, they won't.
It sounds like your boyfriend has everything he needs right now. He has no real motivation to change. He already has you right where he wants you. YOU are the one that is missing out on YOUR future. Not him.
Most addicts ARE great people when they aren't relapsing. The problem is they ARE relapsing.
And EVERYONE has possibilities to be great, it's what they do with them that counts. The possibility of recovery isn't a reason to put your future and dreams on hold just to see if he might make better choices in the future.
My suggestion? Move on with your life... give him some space to get his act together. And get yours together. See how different things are a year from now. We should NEVER wait around and hang our future on the hope that someone will change. Because most likely, they won't.
It sounds like your boyfriend has everything he needs right now. He has no real motivation to change. He already has you right where he wants you. YOU are the one that is missing out on YOUR future. Not him.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 40
You are the only one who can make that decision. I knew AH was a recovering addict when I married him, but he was such a good person, and I thought that his past was FAR BEHIND HIM! HA! He stopped working his program and today we have a baby and are separated. Active Addiction is so much more than just drugs...they lie, cheat, steal and hurt everyone in the process. And the children hurt the worse. I love AH, and I love my son. But I would never wish this on anyone. There are some people who take hold of their recovery and it lasts a lifetime. But I think that is rare. Also, the disease of addiction is genetic and there is the possibility of your children also becoming addicts.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 14
Ask yourself this, what would it look like if you married him, had a child or two and then finally came to the realization that he was not going to stay clean? Then you're talking about putting children through living with an addict, going through a divorce, having to deal with him wanting visitation and having to put your kids in his hands while you know he is still using? If you know that this is a distinct possibility, why would even consider for one second marrying this guy and having his kids?
Why would you do that knowingly to an innocent child? My thought is that you know in your heart that even though he's a "good" person, he is being controlled by the drugs. I think in your heart, you know the answer is that he's not capable of being a good husband or a good father. Don't do that to yourself dear and certainly don't do it to any future children you may have. I'm a survivor of an alcoholic husband and that marriage messed me up psychologically for a long time. I would give anything to have not made the decision to walk down that aisle and marry him. It took me ten years after that divorce to finally connect with a healthy, sober man who is the love of my life. Don't intentionally put a "canyon" like that in your life that will take years to climb out of. Run, do not walk, away from this relationship. From someone who has lived through it.
Why would you do that knowingly to an innocent child? My thought is that you know in your heart that even though he's a "good" person, he is being controlled by the drugs. I think in your heart, you know the answer is that he's not capable of being a good husband or a good father. Don't do that to yourself dear and certainly don't do it to any future children you may have. I'm a survivor of an alcoholic husband and that marriage messed me up psychologically for a long time. I would give anything to have not made the decision to walk down that aisle and marry him. It took me ten years after that divorce to finally connect with a healthy, sober man who is the love of my life. Don't intentionally put a "canyon" like that in your life that will take years to climb out of. Run, do not walk, away from this relationship. From someone who has lived through it.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
If you took the drugs out of the equation, would he have the character values that you would like in a husband or father for your children?
We support you whatever you choose, but please don't base the important issues on your life on what "he" chooses for his.
Someone here once said (about leaving a relationship with an addict) that "change is hard but staying is harder." I agree with that and the hardship of change eventually heals.
Hugs
We support you whatever you choose, but please don't base the important issues on your life on what "he" chooses for his.
Someone here once said (about leaving a relationship with an addict) that "change is hard but staying is harder." I agree with that and the hardship of change eventually heals.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Long island, NY
Posts: 18
Thank you everyone for all the sound advice and life experiences. Here's my issue. When he is on the methadone maintenance program he is fine, he knows I'm not ok with that long term because he is still addicted. So far he hasn't been able to come off the clinic. I am just losing hope that my happy ending is going to happen with him.
I will not marry or have children with someone unstable and so far he's only stable when he's going to the clinic.
His last relapse was last august, so he's been back in the mmt program for about 6 or 7 months. Before that he was going to the clinic for over a year and before that 8 months. So I guess he can stay on the program forever but that won't work for me.
It's a sticky situation but the bottom line, he is an addict who is in recovery And I can't accept that my future lies with an addict.
He has a long road to being clean, no methadone clinic, no relapse.
I don't think I can bet my future and future family on that.
It's sad, I've stuck by him almost 3 years. We look like the perfect couple, house, dog.
I've been pulled in very deep and it's hard to turn and walk away.
The longer I stay the harder it gets.
I will not marry or have children with someone unstable and so far he's only stable when he's going to the clinic.
His last relapse was last august, so he's been back in the mmt program for about 6 or 7 months. Before that he was going to the clinic for over a year and before that 8 months. So I guess he can stay on the program forever but that won't work for me.
It's a sticky situation but the bottom line, he is an addict who is in recovery And I can't accept that my future lies with an addict.
He has a long road to being clean, no methadone clinic, no relapse.
I don't think I can bet my future and future family on that.
It's sad, I've stuck by him almost 3 years. We look like the perfect couple, house, dog.
I've been pulled in very deep and it's hard to turn and walk away.
The longer I stay the harder it gets.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Long island, NY
Posts: 18
Ann
That is a very good question that I have pondered a lot recently because even when he is not activly using there have been many Instances of him lying or doing things behind my back, being sneaky, not communicating, just a lot of things I have seen that have made me realize that he doesn't have good character and I still don't trust him.
Then he goes on his apologetic I'm sorry and how he needs to grow up and it will never happen again.
It's funny, everytime something happens he promises to not do anymore **** that hurts me and our relationship. This is all besides relapsing.
So yeah maybe he's not such a good guy. Idk he is very u predictable with his being mr nice guy and then lying etc .
That is a very good question that I have pondered a lot recently because even when he is not activly using there have been many Instances of him lying or doing things behind my back, being sneaky, not communicating, just a lot of things I have seen that have made me realize that he doesn't have good character and I still don't trust him.
Then he goes on his apologetic I'm sorry and how he needs to grow up and it will never happen again.
It's funny, everytime something happens he promises to not do anymore **** that hurts me and our relationship. This is all besides relapsing.
So yeah maybe he's not such a good guy. Idk he is very u predictable with his being mr nice guy and then lying etc .
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Long island, NY
Posts: 18
I wish I knew how to just walk away and focus on that. I think I need to work on some codependency issues.
It's the only thing I can come up with, as to why I can never just walk away.
It's the only thing I can come up with, as to why I can never just walk away.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 29
am I fooling myself?
In a word yes. Heroin is an awful drug to kick. I think I read somewhere the odds were 10% chance? If you're 34 and want kids, times is ticking. We all know our addicts have good in them. If they didn't, we would not stay for so long and try so hard. My xah has a heart of gold, is a beautiful person on the outside and in. But drugs steal their souls and until they fight to get it back, it's nothing but pain.
In a word yes. Heroin is an awful drug to kick. I think I read somewhere the odds were 10% chance? If you're 34 and want kids, times is ticking. We all know our addicts have good in them. If they didn't, we would not stay for so long and try so hard. My xah has a heart of gold, is a beautiful person on the outside and in. But drugs steal their souls and until they fight to get it back, it's nothing but pain.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I can't accept that my future lies with an addict.
If you accept that you can't change him from being an addict to a being a non-addict, and you don't see this relationship working out, then it is in your and his best interest for you to figure out what in the world is holding you back from doing what you really want in life.
Ending a relationship with someone doesn't make you a bad person. You don't need a reason to "take a break and find yourself."
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 3
I'm new to this forum, but i'm NOT new to what your going through (nor it seems is anyone here really.) But I want to say that i'm thinking of you and praying for you, because I know deciding the ultimate "should I stay or go" problem, when in a relationship with an addict, is one of the hardest things you can do. I can't advise you either way, because i haven't developed the tough skinned "never trust them again" attitude that one really needs to totally pull oneself out of the grasp of love we feel for these people. Nor do i have the "oh but if i love him enough he'll change" attitude that I use to have either...which is one of the signs of codependency, which I understand as well. Nothing about your situation will be easy....weither you stay or weither you go...although I will say that going would be healthier for you in the long run. I finally hit the "screw this and screw you" wall one day with my ex, and I left.....but i will say that everyday I wonder if I made the right choice (even though my stress levels went down, which should have indicated that yes, it was the right choice, lol.) My brain would tell you to leave and never look back, that is the best and wisest thing to do. But I know how our hearts work when we think of leaving these people with serious problems, who we really do love. Honey...this post probably made no sense, because right now, with my situation, i'm just as confused as I was a year ago, when I left him. But I am thinking of you, and in the end I know you will make the right choice for YOU...because it does have to ultimently be about YOU, not him, and your happiness in life and love. Hang in there ok
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 14
Walking Away
Walking away is extremely hard, in part because it's an ending, but more so because it's a beginning. The real work begins when you walk away because you have to face yourself in the mirror and start working on your own issues. I know when I left my first husband, I immediately began to realize how much of my life, my time and my energy had been poured into him and it wasn't until I left that I understood that I had to find an outlet to redirect all of that to. It took me three years to get back on track emotionally, mostly because I didn't seek help through counseling.
My advice to you is to seek counseling now, if possible, but definitely after you leave. Start thinking in terms of not "if I leave", but "when I leave". Start thinking about where you might live, look at apartments, find one that takes pets, envision yourself living on your own and then start to set aside funds and call it your "moving on fund". As you begin to see that this is a real choice and you have the financial ability to do it, then you will be able to become emotionally ready to do it.
You really don't realize how much of a burden you have on your shoulders and how much of your own life you have put on hold until you are free of this type of relationship. Once you do get out, then make sure you get the help you need to stay strong and become the healthy, independent, confident, self-assured person that will attract the same type of personality. Only then, are you going to be able to develop healthy, invigorating, lasting, loving relationships.
My advice to you is to seek counseling now, if possible, but definitely after you leave. Start thinking in terms of not "if I leave", but "when I leave". Start thinking about where you might live, look at apartments, find one that takes pets, envision yourself living on your own and then start to set aside funds and call it your "moving on fund". As you begin to see that this is a real choice and you have the financial ability to do it, then you will be able to become emotionally ready to do it.
You really don't realize how much of a burden you have on your shoulders and how much of your own life you have put on hold until you are free of this type of relationship. Once you do get out, then make sure you get the help you need to stay strong and become the healthy, independent, confident, self-assured person that will attract the same type of personality. Only then, are you going to be able to develop healthy, invigorating, lasting, loving relationships.
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