MelDark1

Hello Everyone,

I just lucked upon this site while googling, and damn...why didn't I find ya'll a year or two ago, lol. I have to keep my intro short right now (damn library computers are timed!) I am the (former) girlfriend of a drug addict/alcoholic. Our relationship ended last year in May, and we had been together for almost 2 yrs (very rocky on/off etc.) During that time my ex not only used various amounts of substances (painkillers/cocaine/heroine/meth/weed/xanax/E) and drank like a fish morning/noon/and night, he also was a dealer. All of this slowly came out over time, and we broke up and got back together (because he'd lie about how much he wanted to change, and i'd believe him etc etc.) During this time i'd lost my job and started having multiple health problems. In March 2010, i was diagnosed with SLE (Lupus.) Along with my health problems, I was having some family problems, and well...things kind of came to a head with my ex because of his problems and my problems and I lost it...I'd had enough and I left him. Well....flash forward to 2 weeks ago, and having not heard a word from him in all this time, and FINALLY getting to the point that I could put one foot in front of the other....guess who should call me?

Yup...you guessed it, wasn't hard huh? He proceeded to tell me that he's in rehab through the Salvation Army, living and working there and going to meetings etc. He said that he got a total wakeup call after I left, and he had a terrible car accident in September last year (which left him with a collapsed lung, 6 broken ribs and a broken jaw.) Ok, now this is kinda spooky if you believe in fate/destiny/gaurdian angels etc....but this accident happened the EXACT same day as a very similar accident he'd had in 2002 (with two collapsed lungs, broken ribs etc.) And he'd also gotten out of the hospital on the same day as the one in 2002 (odd huh?) After the accident, he reconnected with his parents (they hadn't talked to him in ages due to his addictions/past issues with him.) And they helped him get into the Salvation Army program and he was really feeling good and said he's started to like life again. Ok...long story short, he said he's called because he wanted to see how I was (he said it took him forever to get the balls to call me!), and that he missed me, and never stopped loving me. Ok...so he asked me if I would have lunch with him. I told him i'd think about it, and after we hung up I REALLY did not think i'd hear from him again (i only half-believed what he's been telling me anyways.) But shock of shocks...he said he'd call me in a few days to get my answer and HE DID!!! I told him i wasn't so sure it was a good idea, and why did he want to see me again after all this time? He said he wanted to talk in person about some things, and answer any questions i had about all that he'd put me through. So DUMB ME...i don't know why, but i found myself saying yes. So now, i'm having lunch with him this coming weekend, and i'm freaking out about wither i'm doing the right thing, what are we going to talk about, what is he going to try to pull over on me, and omg...what if i fall for it all and fall for him again (i do still care about him!)

HELP ME, I AM FREAKING OUT AND SOOO DAMN STUPID!!!!!

laurie6781

Welcome to Sober Recovery. You have found a great place with lots of experience, strength and hope from folks who have been where you are now, or are where you are now.

If he is in fact in the Salvation Army recovery program, their program does use the 12 steps.

Thus part of his wanting to see you may be to try to make amends for the way he treated you and to ask you what he can do to make it better (which is what an amend is, not an I'm sorry). I say this because of his
answer to your question:

An amend is acknowledging my part in all the wrongs with that person and asking what I can do to rectify the damage I have done.

So, don't get your hopes up, take some deep breaths, you will know when you see him and talk to him if he is in fact clean and sober or still using. No you are NOT dumb for agreeing to a lunch.

Only you can decide if you want to start up with him again or not. A lunch does not mean you are again a couple.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

changethemusic

I know what you mean MelDark1. Hard to tell which is worse, their leaving or their coming back. I don't think your being dumb. Just be careful. Good luck. I'll send some good vibes your way.

hello-kitty

YOU are not a leaf blowing around in the wind. YOU have a choice. Caring about someone doesn't mean you have be be in a relationship with them. You can care from a distance.

AND if you are that worried about having lunch with him, you COULD cancel. No one says you HAVE to go if it makes you uncomfortable. Just tell him you need to reschedule. And then say, "I'll call you when I'm not so busy."

PS. If he is truly committed to his recovery program he won't be looking for a relationship right now so be very wary if he comes on strong. ALSO, if he's truly committed to his recovery, he won't make any promises to you or tell you what a changed man he is. Addicts in recovery know that talk is cheap and that staying clean and sober is a one-day-at-a-time thing. There are no guarantees in recovery.

Kindeyes

Mel
Welcome to SR.....

If you weren't freaking out a little bit, THAT would concern me a bit But you ARE freaking out. Your alarms are going off. Your concern is justified.

But as others have said above.....you have choices. If this makes you so very uncomfortable, you can choose not to have lunch with him. If he's really in recovery, he'll understand.

The steps that were referred to above are steps 8 & 9.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

He may be wanting to make amends but hopefully he understands that if it is going to cause you any kind of emotional pain or injure you in any way.....he will be willing to leave it be.

Whatever your decision.....just know that doing what is right for yourself should come first and foremost.

Feel free to come here anytime and talk about your feelings. Even if you don't meet with him for lunch, you have been affected by the disease of addiction. It leaves scars.

gentle hugs
ke

MelDark1

Thank you all so much for welcoming me, and of course for understanding (I hope to return the favor in the furture and develop some good friends here.) I'm glad to have finally found a place I can go to talk about EVERYTHING, not just the recent freakout i'm having with seeing him again, but everything i've been through. I've tried to talk to my mom and sister a few times about things (NOT about seeing him again, that is something i would never hear the end of if i mentioned it to them!) But considering I seem to be the emotional one in an otherwise closed off, emotionally f*ed up family, which is itself a bi-product of alcoholism/physical/mental/emotional abuse going back about 3 generations (another reason I think I've made bad choices with relationships in my life), it's really hard to get them to understand and emote back how I need them too. Anywho...sorry rambling ( bad habit!)

I understand about what ya'll are saying about the 12-steps and how they tend to try and get those in the program to make amends etc. I think it is partially that (He did say he understands now how I feel, since he did put me through hell.) Which is something i NEVER imgained I'd hear him say/admit in my life. But also, with some of the other things he says, and just how he has refered back to some intimate/inside things between us, I get the feeling he may be trying for more. Maybe not a full blown relationship right now...but knowing him, i think he might try to worm his way back into my life by saying he wants to start off as friends and see how it goes.

Hello-Kitty: Yes, I know that caring about him doesn't mean I have to be in a relationship with him again. But what scares the beejeebus out of me, is that IF he manages to convince me otherwise, I care enough about him that i MIGHT just seriously consider it....and part of me is open mouthed in shock at myself for even letting the idea of being with him again cross my mind. Part of me is scared as S**T, and a smaller part of me is well....hopeful (does that sound bad?)

Changethemusic: Thanks for the good vibes, i needed them For me at this moment, the coming back is the hardest. I got use to the leaving (mostly), after the 3rd go round of breakup-get back together....then finally the ultimate breakup. It hurt A LOT, but it didn't throw me into as big of an emotional uphevel as now, with the taa-daa I'm back...I missed you, wanna meet up again and chat, bit. lol

Laurie6781: I HOPE i'll be able to tell if he is really clean and sober! But i'm not sure i even trust my own judgement on that account, because he has lied to me/convinced me of being better/sober/changed etc. in the past.....and he is REALLY good at the "fake" sober bit. I know in the program he is in (i researched it, and even called his mom to confirm he WAS in the program), that they are given random drug tests on a regular basis...so he would have to be clean to keep living/working/and being in the program. But it's knowing if it's truely something he WANTS long term, or just something he is doing till he gets back on his feet and out of the program...ya know? I know having luch with him isn't a "date", nor the begining of a life long committment, lol. But i do KNOW him, and I know that even with the program telling him to make amends with those he hurt, that if he really didn't WANT to see me again, he would have just called (maybe), but he would NOT have asked me to lunch...i KNOW he has other plans in mind.

Ok, well i have babbled enough right now. I know i really shouldn't stress to much, that nothing will be totally "on the table" until we meet. Big breath, in....out....in....out, lol.

Taking5

Good luck with whatever you decide to do, but as an A, the following jumped off the page at me:

Not so fast. No one can beat a test like an addict/alkie.

Addicts used to sneak someones else's sample in and use it instead of theirs. But the sample would be maybe 75 degrees F. So to counteract that, tester made sure it is your sample by taking its temperature, which should be damn close to 98.6 degrees.

So then addicts would have a bag held close to their body with "clean" urine in it, and use it to beat the temperature test.

So testers decided they would ave to step it up a notch and actually watch you pee. No problem for the addict - they actually manufacture very realistic looking penises and the plumbing is there so you can get the clean urine to squirt out, right in front of the tester. (I am dead serious about this).

An alternative to clean samples is masking agents. You take one to cover up your positive sample. Then they started testing for the masking agents, then new masking agents came out, then a new test came out to test for those masking agents, etc., etc.

So never make this assumption - judge him by his actions.

While I am on the subject of assumptions, never assume your addict is not using because they are locked up either. The prison guards themselves are the suppliers. If you are locked up, it is easy to get drugs. This is not from personal experience, but from other members of my group.