AH complaining that I'M NOT pulling MY WEIGHT! ;(

Old 05-14-2011, 10:57 PM
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Angry AH complaining that I'M NOT pulling MY WEIGHT! ;(

What the...fuuu???

So my AH started a job this past Monday (after a year of being off work) due to a death in the family, him using and basically just him not wanting to work...

...thus the beginning of this 'attitude' that I'm "not making much of an effort" around the house etc. I'm in school full-time and it's pretty stressful, but honestly, I'm just recovering over HIS fecking antics over the past year... I'm exhausted.

I'm not a neat freak but I clean every day (the dishes, everything relating to the kitties - waterbowls, food, meds, litter, tidying up, changing the bed linen, doing loads of laundry, etc). In fact, I did the dishes about 5x this week alone.

So about a half hour ago, my AH gets in this 'mood' and has a mini hissy fit saying under his breath of how the dishes are all dirty and he can't do anything in there. They've been dirty since last night. I was in school all day today and just wanted to veg out this eve... and was going to do them tomorrow morning.

However, AH mutters that he doesn't feel I'm pulling my weight and I'm letting 'cleanliness' go.... --- WTF!?!? I was/am furious. I then start bitching... I just can't help it... if I could spit fire I would... and he just sits back and shakes his head LIKE I HAVE THE PROBLEM!!! ;( Meanwhile, he goes and has a shower and I just looked in the bathroom and he's left his towel on the floor and his underwear...

AND he's decided that he's going to sleep on the couch tonight. I told him that he's treating me like crap and that he's mentally unbalanced for thinking that I do squat all around the house. Just because he's worked for ONE FREAKING WEEK, he 'THINKS' he's 'bringing in the money' (unlike me) and is doing MORE than his fair share.

I seriously want to go in the livingroom and just scream at him... but me losing my temper has just gotten me more upset and him more 'satisfied'...

How sick is that? ;(

Is this a common theme among 'recovering' loved ones? Because I'm disgusted... and feel like crap ... I'm really fighting hard NOT to start believing that I should be running off my feet to make sure the house is clean.... but he'd have something else to complain about then... probably abut me and how I'm not taking care of my looks etc...

it's insane... ;(
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Old 05-14-2011, 11:27 PM
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I've just calmed down. RAH is still on the couch and he said he was too comfortable to come back into the bedroom. sigh. I wish I could have handled this situation so differently than I did.

I have been feeling lazy and guilty about not doing enough around the house and I'm falling behind in my school work too. My RAH however, doesn't seem to have any problems getting right back into the swing of things and just leaving all the crap he's done behind him in his wake.

Meanwhile, me... codie extraordinaire ... is riding that freaking wave of crap and it's my own darn fault.

I SHOULD have just not reacted when he was having his mood and mini hissy fit. I should have just ignored it and said cheerfully that I was taking the night off and would do the dishes in the morning (when I felt like it). Instead, I yelled and asked him what was wrong with him that he couldn't do them himself? -- then WWW 3 broke out and I ended up losing it and he gave me the cold shoulder and silent treatment (which made me feel even worse).

I'm not going to suck up in the morning... I'm not going to apologize and I'm not going to cater to him to make him feel better. I just need to figure out how to act like an adult myself when he seems to feel he can have free reign to act like a 2 year old.
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Old 05-15-2011, 05:19 AM
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I could be wrong but don't they call what he did "taking someone else's inventory"? I'd like to know myself what their thing is about cleanliness. My loved one would comment on these things too. I worked full-time and paid all the household bills. I noticed it got really bad just before a relapse and right after he decided to get stop using again. Anyone have any insight? Is this typical? I mean my house isn't dirty but sometimes I too just didn't feel like cleaning the bathroom! And ya, the dishes sometimes had to wait because I was trying to regroup after dealing with his relapse.
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Old 05-15-2011, 05:35 AM
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Al-anon can help. You can learn how to detach from their "moods" and not react to their hissy fits.
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Old 05-15-2011, 07:12 AM
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"hissy fits" more like CHILD temper tantrum! lol
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Old 05-15-2011, 07:34 AM
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Is house cleaning the real issue, here?
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Old 05-15-2011, 09:31 AM
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Originally Posted by CanfixONLYme View Post
I have been feeling lazy and guilty about not doing enough around the house and I'm falling behind in my school work too.
I'm glad you realize that and good for you! The stuff he said got to you, because some part of you believes it to be true (right or wrong). When I take care of MY business to the best of MY ability and to MY standards, there's nothing anyone can say that gets to me.

Your husband is using deflection, consciously or not, so he doesn't have to look at himself. We do the same. Turn the mirror back around on him, remind him to take his own inventory. If he thinks stuff needs to be done, he's free to do it, right?

I can't remember if you're working a recovery program? If not, please please please work the program you wish he would.
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Old 05-15-2011, 02:44 PM
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Thanks all - yes... recovery program for me first (need to ingrain this in my noggin).

I was tired and irritable last night and my post was a huge vent on something that is more than just dirty dishes...

Upwards and onwards!
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Old 05-15-2011, 03:39 PM
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Canfixonlyme,

This is common in some marriages, period. Not necessarily in recovering mates only. I dont know about that, but I do know about sexist husbands, and how they can act. No matter what I said, or did, my last husband (# 5, 301) was insistent on complaining about having no clean clothes, no dinner fixed, and the fact that I slept upstairs . This was during the while we were waiting for the divorce to go through. All I could do was stand there and laugh- yes, well, since i hate your guts now, i dont really think i will be doing your laundry today. He seemed to love to rile me up about that stuff, and it did make me spit fire, almost-lol. I have always tried to do so much for my husband of the month,( only four actually) and when they dont acknowledge that, it really pi$$es me off. you might be able to tell that this was a sore spot with me-

I finally realized that I had to go through with divorce when i began acting out my anger. Like when I would put his dirty underwear under his pillow. Or when I put his dirty dishes in piles by his recliner/extension of his body. I refused to clean his bathroom, which made him so mad when we would have surprise company-lol , for he could not care less about aim. And his mom would have to use that one, since she could not go upstairs. I am sure that she just blamed me anyway, for not taking care of her baby boy.

He would always run over my plants and little trees with his John Deere, which was the only thing he did around the house, as a matter of fact. I begged, fussed, threatened, and no matter if I spent good money on stakes to put around them, he ran them down, cutting corners too sharply. finally, I took to putting largish boulders around them, and that woke him up a bit. It is hard to see them in tall grass-oops. Sorry, this is becoming more about me here.

ARGH!!

Yup, this is a hot button for me.
I finally told him, what ever you dont like, do something about it.

I always seemed to marry mama's boys, and being a codependent, I am sure that is who I attract.

You are no more responsible for dirty dishes than he is. It is his home too, and if he does not like to clean, why should you have to be the workhorse?
Take the position in life that you want to be in, and dont let them put you in any lower ranks. I hope that you have a way to get rid of your anger. I am still carrying mine, obviously.
hugs'
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Old 05-15-2011, 11:33 PM
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Chicory,
your email is awesome. I can totally picture your story as a movie ...like War of the Roses (didn't that star michael douglas and kathleen turner?). I don't mean to be disrespectful but your posting made me smile... just such insanity that we do when we're unhappy eh?

I see you now putting crusty gross undies under your ex's pillow and him being 2 years old and PURPOSELY running over your bushes - then you getting your 'revenge' and putting boulders there which maim his 'johndeer' and his ego (and throwing him into the brambles for good measure too?) or is that just in my fantasy?

Thanks for making me smile and sharing your story. I loved it.
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Old 05-16-2011, 12:03 AM
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Actually I am glad that it made you laugh- you probably need a laugh, like I did when i was in this situation!

I just wanted to get behind you and support you in standing up against the unfairness. Worse than the unreasonableness of these persons is the fact that we allow it to make us feel guilty, and then bad about our angry reaction- which may be completely warranted.

it is like they "bait" us, so we get mad, act ugly, and then we look like the bad guy, when they are being jerks. unhappy with their lives, so they take it out on the only whipping post handy and safe. well, i say bah to that!

I had quite a few laughs about it all myself. wish I could verbalize things well, I could write a book!

hope it is a better day for you. hang in there, and dont take any crap. Marriage is tough, even in good circumstances, I think. unless you are very very blessed.

hugs
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