ltcb

Hello all. I'm needing some advice and insight. My exboyfriend and I were in love. Living together. Talking marriage and babies. Looking for a new place together. He was the kindest most loving man I had ever been with. We were perfect. Then things changed. He became distant. No affection. No concern at all about anything that was going on in my life. Cocky attitude. I felt like he just started hating me over night and wanted me gone. So I left one night to give us space and haven't heard from him since. Won't answer any of my calls or calls from our mutual friends. I knew he was using heroin again. What I didn't know was he had been using our whole relationship and it had become pretty serious the last month we were together. He has turned into someone I don't even know. A jerk. Wouldn't even answer my calls so I could get my clothes and things back. A mutual friend saw him a couple of days ago and said he looked like he weighed maybe 100 pounds and was covered in track marks. Told him that he dumped me because I wouldn't let him do dope. Which isn't true. I left. You've gotta talk to a person to dump them. Is this normal behavior for an addict who is actively using? Is this the real him and he just tricked me and made a fool out of me? I love him and want to be able to help him if he decides he's going to seek help. A relationship is out of the question. So I'm not concerned about that. I just can't believe how he changed basically overnight. I feel like a fool.

Babyblue

Sadly your experience is common. They pull away or push others away when using/binging. You are not a fool! He hid it well and when he couldn't hide it any longer you took care of yourself. That is the sign of a healthy person, not a fool.

It changes them and in different ways. As hard as it is to hear this, his not responding to you is doing you a favor. You don't want to be entangled in his world if he is actively using. Look after yourself. Keep posting here. You'll get tons of support.

CaliSoca

I'm sorry this happened to you.

I went through something similar. He turned into someone I didn't know, was a jerk, wouldn't answer my calls. He changed overnight. Heroin is his drug of choice.

From what I've been told on here and what I've read, this is typical addict behavior. There's a lot of shame and guilt involved with addiction-and heroin is pretty hardcore.

You did the best thing that you could do for yourself and for him, and that was to walk away. He'll either come back when he needs something, or when he wants to stop and get help. You cannot be involved with him-even as a friend. It will just cause you way too much pain. I told my ex that I do care about him, but have to walk away from the situation and that I'll always be there for him if he ever wants to talk. I will not let him back into my life until I know that he is clean and has a plan to stay clean. You have to set that boundary-as long as he is actively using, he cannot be in your life.

It's been three months since I walked away and it's been REALLY difficult. You just have to take care of yourself and understand that you didn't cause his addiction, can't control it and can't cure it. Focus on YOU! Surround yourself with a good support system!

Others will be along soon to share their stories and words of encouragement.

::hugs::

Anaya

I am so sorry you are going through this and feel your pain and shock. This is a very difficult time and you are vulnerable and need to protect yourself. I agree with others, in that it is best you moved on.

I might add that in recent years, my son has been like "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde," and his dark side is seen more when he is using.

Take care and keep coming back. This is a great site.

outtolunch

How long did you know this guy before you had the perfect relationship?

gforecoveringca

I have to agree that him not speaking to you is him doing toys favor. I'm so sick of I'm sorrys and I never ment to hurt yous I think w me I wish he would just tell me he dnt want help and to leave him alone bc now I will probaly never trustor belive him again. I never knew a substance could completely change who a person is I'm thankful that I never got hooked on antjing in my prekid years .

ltcb

Well I've known him off and on for most of my life. We were never really close friends. But we always shared mutual friends. We live in a really small town where basically everyone knows each other. He's always been a really good guy. Had a great marriage and kids. His wife cheated on him and divorced him and that's when he started using. When we really started hanging out and got close, we instantly fell in love with each other. He was doing great, so I thought. Promised my friends and family he would take care of me and never take me down with him if he ever screwed up and went down that path again. It's just so hard to believe that any of it was ever real. I think that's the hardest part for me. I feel like it was all just a big joke. Our whole relationship.

CaliSoca

that IS the hardest part-thinking that it was all a joke. But, a friend pointed out to me that my ex wanted to be there for me but didn't know how given his addiction. I think....they care to some extent, but their drug will always come first. Everything involving their addiction comes first-using, recovery etc.

He may have meant it when he promised that he would take care of you, but he's powerless when it comes to his addiction. He didn't know it would get so bad, or was just in denial that he could let it get that bad.

Kindeyes

It takes an extraordinarily strong person to recognize that things are heading in an unhealthy direction and have the courage to leave. You are a very strong and courageous person.

He is making good on his promise.

It's very hard to watch someone we love mess their lives up so badly. And it's very hard to reach the point of acceptance that there is nothing we can do for them--they have to do it for themselves.

So what can we do? We can practice self care. You've already got a good start in that direction.

gentle hugs
ke