Naranon Confusion - Tradition 5

Old 05-14-2011, 07:56 AM
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Naranon Confusion - Tradition 5

"...by encouraging and understanding our addicted relatives..."

I'm finding myself very conflicted with this statement and I'm turning to my SR family to help me unravel this internal conflict. I will also be talking with my Alanon and Naranon family groups to help me. There are so many who are experienced here on SR and I would love to hear your take on this portion of this tradition.

I've dealt with my son's progressing disease for about 14 years. We have stated clearly that we will support him in his recovery but cannot and will not support him in his disease. He is currently homeless.

At this point, I have no desire to speak with him or see him. The thought of it literally makes me shudder. I do not want to listen to the quacking. I do not understand his lifestyle. I honestly want nothing to do with him because he is so deep in his addiction. Do I love him? Yes. But I have absolutely no desire to be around him at all. I have heard the "I want to get sober" routine so many times that it has worn very thin. The boy who cried wolf. I understand that addiction is very difficult but it is not my difficulty to overcome.

And this is where my internal conflict comes in.

Am I being judgemental?

Am I failing to be encouraging and understanding?

I talked with my dear husband this morning and he helped me sort this out to some degree. He basically stated that it's ok if I don't want to see him or talk to him. There is no reason to subject myself to anyone in active addiction. That I have done all that I can do and it is up to him. That we can continue to encourage him to seek recovery. That we are accepting his choice of not wanting to be in recovery at this point because he certainly knows what he needs to do. And we do understand that addiction is a disease but that doesn't mean that we need to continue to be a part of the fallout of that disease. So my husband eloquently used the words "encourage" and "understanding" in his thoughts several times.

I feel as though I have abandoned my AS and I'm having feelings of guilt associated with it. I am letting him dance with his addiction alone. I have let him go. But perhaps I haven't entirely given him over to his HP? But I certainly want to stay out of his HP's way!

But I see contradictions in all of this and it is causing confusion.

Any thoughts out there? Looking for some SESH here.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 05-14-2011, 09:14 AM
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(((((((Kindeyes)))))))

Your husband is spot on. You are encouraging your son to seek recovery, by practicing tough love on yourself. You do understand him and his disease, and have provided every recovery resource possible.

When I start to feel guilty about my daughter (and she's in recovery!), I ask myself if it's time to let go again and/or have I forgiven myself for being human?

Letting go reminds me of forgiveness: it's not ever been a one shot deal for me.
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Old 05-14-2011, 10:53 AM
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Okay, now please don't go and get 'analysis paralysis'.

For me, tradition 5 has always been, I encourage their recovery from a safe distance. I understand from a safe distance that they are a ball of wet raw nerves and emotions in recovery for some time.

Tradition 5 has never meant to me that I encourage their addiction.

Your husband is 'spot on' on his explanation. And you are doing great.

You have NOT abandoned your son. You have given your son the freedom to make his own choices. Only time will tell what the long term choices will be.

J M H O but no confusion, Tradition 5 applies once they have chosen recovery, NOT while they are still practicing their addiction.

Love and hugs,
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Old 05-14-2011, 11:09 AM
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Ditto to what all those wise people above me said.

Tradition 5. Each Nar-Anon Family Group has but one purpose: to help families of addicts. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps of N.A. ourselves, by encouraging and understanding our addicted relatives, and by welcoming and giving comfort to families of addicts.
I understand my son's addiction...that took time, work, compassion and investigation with an open mind.

I encourage his recovery...by not enabling his addiction and by him knowing that I love him even though I am not part of his life today. This also took work on my part, to learn that "love" meant taking a giant step back and letting him find his own way.

And Kindeyes, you are also doing the rest of this tradition, right here at SR....by welcoming and giving comfort to families of addicts.


It is amazing how much the 12 steps and 12 Traditions work in our lives to bring us all to a better place.

Hugs

Last edited by Ann; 05-14-2011 at 05:26 PM.
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Old 05-14-2011, 11:25 AM
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Chino, Laurie and Ann
Thank you so much for your responses. I don't know WHY that portion of that tradition causes me confusion. When you all laid it out, it makes much more sense.

I hope that others who suffer confusion on this portion of Tradition Five will be helped by your thoughtful responses.

And Laurie.....you're right.....I can get into the analysis paralysis behavior. But I was stuck on this and I just knew that my SR family could help me sort through it and move beyond that paralysis.

I do love my son. I just can't stand being around him when he is in active addiction. We have had no contact since "the police incident". Something really snapped in my head that day. I realized that his unpredictable behavior was scary. His temper is scary. The people he hangs with scare me. And I just don't want that to disrupt my serenity.

I have told him that my serenity means more to me than his sobriety. I mean it.

Thanks again......I love you guys.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 05-14-2011, 11:40 AM
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(((((((((kindeyes)))))))))))))

That's it...just hugs....

((((((((((((((kindeyes)))))))))))))))
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Old 05-14-2011, 12:24 PM
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Hello Kindeyes: Good question. I too have struggled with that one.

What I've learned over the years is this: Addiction exists within relationships. I am helping, encouraging, and giving understanding to my son by learning about my part in the dance and taking myself from the dance floor. My son may realize that on some level, but I really do not think he will acknowledge that until he has had some time in recovery.

He has found other people to dance with him, but not me. And my absence from his dance (which translates right now into total absence from his life at his desire), speaks volumes.

Hope that helps you see things from a different angle. You are withdrawing from his addiction.

((hugs)) Sojourner
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Old 05-14-2011, 08:21 PM
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Aside from the wonderful wise words before me, the only thing I can add is that to me understanding meant I stopped judging. Coming to understand addiction as a disease was not to excuse or some sort of cop out; it helped me to understand that the actions rooted in addiction were not because of some moral flaw or because someone was a "bad" person. That made detaching with love easier.
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Old 05-15-2011, 06:06 AM
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Thank you Kindeyes for asking that question. I was afraid to look to deeply into Tradition 5 until I saw this. I can't stand being around the active addiction either. I have felt guilty for "abandoning" him. Despite the fact that I think at least I have made it clear I would be there for him if he chooses recovery. Told him I loved him, believed in him and hoped he could find his way. But that he could not come back unless he decided he no longer wanted to use and got treatment. Left the local detox center phone number on his voicemail in a very kind way and that is that I guess. I hope that's all I have to do in order to be encouraging and understanding, because I just can't stand to watch anymore. As Carl Jung said "To watch is not to love". I hope he's right.
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Old 05-15-2011, 09:35 AM
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anvilhead, wow, I completely forgot that distinction. Thank you!
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Old 05-15-2011, 10:10 AM
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Originally Posted by Anvilhead
please keep in mind that the 12 steps are for the individual, the 12 traditions are for the group.
I came here to say this. I was taught early on that the steps will get me sober, and the traditions are what keeps the group on track.
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Old 05-15-2011, 10:34 AM
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Thank you for that clarification! Perhaps if I keep that in mind as I read the 12 traditions, they will take on new meaning for me.

Thanks everyone for helping me filter this step through my thick and simple brain!

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 05-15-2011, 11:44 AM
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Originally Posted by dgillz View Post
I came here to say this. I was taught early on that the steps will get me sober, and the traditions are what keeps the group on track.
And concepts?
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Old 05-15-2011, 05:23 PM
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To watch is not to love. Powerful.
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Old 05-15-2011, 05:40 PM
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wow.

you guys are the greatest. what terrific answers to kindeyes question.

that's it for now. you're just the best
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Old 05-16-2011, 06:36 AM
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Ultimately I think my question had less to do with Tradition 5 and more to do with my own internal conflict regarding the current no contact situation with AS.

After giving it some thought I've concluded that whether it's addiction that causes his behavior or not, my son is currently unable (or unwilling) to be respectful and kind. He is very manipulative and has used my love and soft heart like a weapon because I let him. If he were not my son and I took addiction completely out of the equation, I would not accept the behavior from anyone. I would avoid them.

I will always love him. I will always be here to support and encourage him when or if he ever chooses sobriety and the behaviors change. Until that time, I will love him from a distance.

I suppose that by doing that, I am treating him like an adult. By accepting that behavior and continuing contact and trying in any way to CONTROL that behavior, I am treating him like a child.

Thanks again to all of you. Thank you, LuvInDaisy, for sharing your perspective with your own mother--it helped me.

I love all of you here on SR........you all help me keep my thoughts in perspective and my recovery on track.

gentle hugs
ke
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