want to scream today

Old 05-12-2011, 11:42 AM
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want to scream today

I just want to scream!!! I get inside my own head and drive myself crazy.

H is sober now but has replased several times and just makes a mess of things when he does. Somedays I want to forgive him and other days I think I am crazy for even thinking of forgiving him. Is love and marriage surpose to be this hard? I am working on myself but just dont feel I am moving fast enough. If I allow myself to think about the lies he has told it just makes my heart hurt. Here I go getting on a poor me role. I dont want to feel like a victim, but I just feel I should have been treated better.
One day at a time - trying to figure this all out

thanks SR
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Old 05-12-2011, 12:20 PM
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Well he was sober for 2 years relapsed 8 months ago for 2 weeks and was good for almost 8 months and relapsed for 1 day last week. When he was clean for 2 years I was feeling real good about our marriage but feel like I was just fooled into thinking we could be happy.
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Old 05-12-2011, 02:59 PM
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Originally Posted by stepsforward View Post
Somedays I want to forgive him and other days I think I am crazy for even thinking of forgiving him.
Hey Steps...
This line jumped out at me.
I spent YEARS living on the merry-go-round known as my exah's 'recovery'.
I was always so angry. Even when he was doing well. Anger is such a big issue. Your entitled to it. It's a legitimate emotion. At some point we gotta let it go. It will eat us alive if we don't.

For me, I couldn't really forgive my exah until I forgave myself. Underneath the surface of that bubbling anger at him was this huge...I mean incrediblly huge...sea of anger at myself for putting up with so much crap and for remaining in a relationship with someone I didn't trust.

Maybe you can relate to this?

Try to focus on YOU. Work on forgiving yourself for the mistakes you have made. I have a feeling once you forgive yourself, you'll have an easier time forgiving your AH. Forgiveness doesn't mean you stay in the relationship. It doens't mean you leave. IT just means you get to stop carrying all that extra weight around every day. It worked for me anyway.

Hang tough.
Be true to yourself.

mary
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Old 05-13-2011, 06:22 AM
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Anvilhead,

I have been married 20 years. He has always drank but I use to enjoy a good time too. My life has just changed so much over the years. I am not an A.
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