New here - Please help me "detach with love"

Old 05-12-2011, 01:30 AM
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New here - Please help me "detach with love"

Hi,

I am grateful for finding this forum.

My boyfriend is an alcoholic, and until 2 days ago had been sober (from alcohol, for 6 months).

My boyfriend is also addicted to speed. Although he is in denial about this, he merely says he is "using speed as a substitute to alcohol". And he admits he has a problem, but won't admit that he is addicted.

He went to rehab for his alcohol addiction and came back the person I fell in love with 6 years ago. However, pretty much a month out of rehab he started using speed "recreationally" which is absolute bull. He has been nonstop using for about 5 months now, sometimes to the point where he can't function without it. He is not the person I want to be around when he is using.

It is killing me. And I feel very stupid because I should have detached a long time ago, I should have picked up on the signs of addiction when he first started using speed. But I didn't and it has lead me to here. I need the support to be able to detach and focus on myself rather than day in/day out worry about him and what he is doing to himself.

I took the first step tonight and left him at home (I have come home to my parents house) because I didn't want to argue all night about it. I knew that he was likely to relapse with alcohol, but now my mind is going crazy because I can't stop worrying that he might do both now. It is so hard to not worry because I care about him and love him greatly.

Please help.
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Old 05-12-2011, 03:30 AM
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Ann
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Welcome to SR.

Putting some space and time between us and our addicts is often a good way to get a clearer perspective of what we want for our lives.

It's no longer about arguing with them or trying to convince them that they have a problem, it's about acknowledging that our own lives need some help and deciding what is best for us, our children and our futures.

That was what helped me begin to find my balance again...taking the focus off my son (the addict in my life) and putting it back on me and my own issues.

You've come to a good place here where people understand because we've been where you are.

Glad you joined us.

Hugs
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Old 05-12-2011, 05:56 AM
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Welcome to SR.....you'll find that everyone here understands what it is like to love an addict.

You've taken a very positive step in taking care of yourself and that's a HUGE first step. Self care is extremely important in the process of recovery.

I hope you stick around and read the stickies. There are some fabulous books that are recommended reading when dealing with an addict (CoDependent No More by Melody Beatty is one of the most recommended but there are many!) I've also found great comfort in Alanon or Naranon meetings.

You are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 05-12-2011, 08:30 PM
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but now my mind is going crazy because I can't stop worrying that he might do both now. It is so hard to not worry because I care about him and love him greatly.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I relate too well as my AH has the same issues. I spent countless nights worrying about him, just like this. It made me sick...I was often completely exhausted from it, having to work and take care of kids. But what I have learned is that no amount of worrying is going to change the outcome! He will use whether you worry or not. That is where you have to learn how to let go. It is sooo hard to do, but worth it. By letting go and not worrying about him, you shift the focus on to yourself and you can take care of your own needs better. Hang in there.
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Old 05-12-2011, 10:34 PM
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Welcome to SR!!!

Whether he relapses on the alcohol, or not, has nothing to do with you. I say that as a recovering addict, as well as a recovering codie (codependent) who has loved ones who are A's (addicts).

I could find ANY reason to use (my "thing" was crack) and honestly, I didn't much think about the pain I was causing my loved ones, until the high wore off. To deal with that, I used more. It was an endless cycle.

He's not in recovery, he's simply switched addictions.

This is HIS doing, and the only person you can control is you. Yes, it's hard as he!!, but life with an addict is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

I also recommend you read the "stickies" (the posts at the top of this forum) as well as through some other posts. I learned a lot from the wise people here, when I first got here.

I'm also glad you went to your parents. As bad as it hurts, the more time away we are from them, the more clearer things get. FWIW, I spent over 25 years with three different A's. I thought my love with make things right. All it did was drive me into my own addiction, a really low bottom, and then I finally started working on myself.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 05-13-2011, 03:21 AM
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(((((((((((21CJ))))))))))))) <---Those are hugs..... Welcome to SR!!

The addict in my life is my exhusband. I spent YEARS worrying about him, trying to convince him he had a problem and that he needed to do something about it. I forced him into rehab a couple of times. Nothing...I mean NOTHING...I did or said made one ounce of difference. He did what he wanted to do.

There is nothing you can do or say to make your bf want to change.
You aren't that powerful. No amount of love can do it. The only person you can control is YOU. Going to your parents was a great idea. Take some time to think about what you really want.

Glad you're here. This place helped me more than I can say.

Mary
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Old 05-13-2011, 06:15 AM
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Thank you everyone for your responses.

I think that this place will be somewhere I can turn to when most in need.

I have been very strong tonight. I decided to come home to him because I thought that he would have realised last night that I wasn't going to take any bulls**t from him and the way he is when he is using or drinking.

I was very wrong in that decision. I suppose I am glad that he was honest with me, he told me that he had been drinking when he first got home. I simply acted with no emotion. All I said was "thank you for being honest and telling me" and that was it. Was that the right thing to say?

I didn't want to get angry or upset, because I realise from reading all of your stories that it just doesn't do anything, it is wasted emotion and it is SO exhausting. So I just said that I didn't want to discuss it and that I had made the decision that I don't want to be around him when he is drinking or using. I said I would support him if he decided to get some help for himself but I would not stick around and let him pull me down with him.

Of course, he just tried to make me feel guilty and bad about doing that. I know that this is the manipulation that he is using against me. It is hard to not be affected.

I feel hurt, because I could never imagine doing this to anyone, let alone someone I love and care about so much, so I can't believe he is doing it to me.

I told him that from tomorrow night onwards I would be staying with my parents. The only thing is, I need to be strong enough to be able to stick to my word and do it.

That is where I think this forum will help me and I will be forever grateful.

To be strong, to not be co-dependent, to not enable and to detach.

This is not the life I ever imagined.

Thank you again, and thank you for reading.
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Old 05-13-2011, 10:17 AM
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Ditto what (((Anvil))) said. When we're active in our addiction, we're not doing it TO anyone, we're just doing it because we want to get high. I can honestly say that never once, did I abuse something and think "okay THIS will show -----!"

Other people weren't even on my mind....getting high was. I didn't stop until the consequences got bad enough that I finally said "I can't do this any more". It took a few times in jail, loss of a nursing career, and being away from my family (had a nephew born while I was "out there") and the possibility of going to prison to get ME to that point.

I will forever be grateful that my loved ones stepped back, let me dig a really deep hole, and then figure a way to get out of it. Yes, they are very supportive of me, now, but then I've been working my recovery for a little over 4 years. I had to earn back their trust, but I knew I always had their love.

I'm glad you and the kids are staying at your parents. It may not be what you WANT but I do believe it's what you need....to be away from him and let him figure out if he wants to continue the using/drinking, or get into recovery. You and your kids don't need a front row seat to his behaviors.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 05-13-2011, 03:02 PM
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Have you read the stickie "What addicts do?" It's harsh but it's no lie.

Speed sucks the humanity out of you. I hate to see you put yourself through that. It's a horrible life to choose - trying to save a speed addict. You'll waste your life in the process.

Read all you can here on this website and pick up a copy of codendent no more.

And remember this:

You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

You are in charge of your own life only. And you can't get time back, once it's gone.
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Old 05-13-2011, 04:47 PM
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it's really tough to watch so i think your idea of getting away and getting some distance is a GOOD idea... for YOU. - I totally agree with what anvil said. For me, I could not live under the same roof as my exah and detach. I just couldn't do it. Every time he came home and was grinding his teeth or nodding off at the table, my anxiety would go through the roof. So, if distance is a way to gain a small measure of peace, take the time to focus on yourself and do some soul searching... If he's not a man you want to be around at the moment, you've made the right decision to stay with your parents.
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