What is wrong with me????
 

What is wrong with me that I am struggling so internally with a situation that I could so clearly see from outside if it weren’t me?

Last week my abstinent husband hurled a dinner plate that landed a foot above my head. It broke completely through the drywall and then splinted throughout the room. Through the grace of God I was spared physical injury. Of course now, I am hearing “you incited me”, “I wasn’t aiming at you”, “I wasn’t trying to hurt you”. Obviously, these are typical responses of an abuser.

He has not worked a program since 1 month after we married 4+ years ago. At the time that we married he had been sober for 18 months, was involved with NA/AA and had been working the steps with a sponsor. My bottom line when I married him was that I would not be in a relationship with him if he was not working a recovery program. I did not adhere to my bottom lines. I became very interwoven financially with him and close to one of his sons. I let that color my bottom line and I take responsibility for that. I continually adjusted that line and accepted that he was not going to participate in any recovery program.

Living with a sober addict (also diagnosed with bipolar and on meds) has been incredibly difficult. Self will has definitely run riot in him. The scenario has been very push/pull….right as he feels me pulling away it’s all clarity, apology, give me another chance, we are one another’s destiny, it’s God’s will that we are together, etc. This time he after the latest blow up he has said he will go back to AA (2 meetings a week but no sponsor) and enter counseling (every two weeks). I doubt that he will have any follow through, he is reacting – not acting. But….I can feel that pulling me back in and wanting to believe that that might really happen and that it would make a difference. There has never been any follow through on his part. He’s always gone back a time or two to meetings and then stopped.

WHY am I still struggling and wanting to believe on some level that things will be different or that I will be able to find some way to stand this? I realize that is no way to live life but yet I am doing this (again and again). I dread the begging and pleading, the legal aspects of it all, packing up and moving (1st to a rental and then eventually again once my house sells). He won’t leave the house so my only option is to move myself. I could have him removed but physically and financially cannot manage our home by myself. I do have an appt with a lawyer on Monday afternoon to try and figure out my options.

I am really struggling with all the options, hopes and dreams, reality, and anxiety swimming all around in my head. Still working my program, upping my meetings, etc. I would appreciate any experience, strength, and hope that anyone has to share.

:gaah
Donna

(((Donna)))

You answered your own question.

Do you have the ability and willingness to welcome positive change in your life?

((((((((((Donna))))))))))

My heart goes out to you. Your post hits so damn close to home its scary.

Holding firm to our boundaries is so important but so difficult sometimes.

In my case, I would see these glimmers of hope with my exah and I'd try to balance my desire to have the family I always thought I would have (the family I freakin' deserved in my mind) against the known danger of being in a relationship with someone who wasn't in recovery. I'd try to find a magical middle-ground where we could all live happily ever after.

Talk about magical thinking...

I'd think to myself...maybe I CAN have the family I want even if he's not in recovery. Maybe I can give a little bit here so I can gain alot over there. And ya know...little by little, the boundaries would move. The moves were imperceptible to the naked eye. Little by little...drop by drop...the boundaries would continue to move until one day the sh** hits the fan and I'm standing there wondering what the hell happened

The dish-throwing incident was a wake-up call. True enough. But lets not lose sight of the fact that without your recovery tools, you might not have seen the situation for what it is. You might have made excuses for his behavior or bought into the idea that it wasn't a big deal...not really. You see the situation for what it is and that, my dear, is recovery...bright, shiny recovery.... You're seeing things as they ARE. And that's huge.

Yes, the situation sucks but you've got everything you need to get where you need to go. You've got your recovery. And your recovery is shining brightly even if you don't see it or feel like it right now.

Loving hugs...((((((((((((Donna)))))))))))


Mary

>>WHY am I still struggling and wanting to believe on some level that things will be different or that I will be able to find some way to stand this?<<

Because you love him. I've learned that love absolutely is NOT rational. :)

I have an AD, who is very early in her recovery. Maybe. Right now she's talkin' the talk. My heart loves it. But my head keeps reminding me she has to walk the walk.

Hugs to you. Keep working your recovery and keep coming back here.

Light,

I lived like that for many years. Knowing that I deserved more, wanted more. I was terrified of dismanteling something that had taken 20 years to build. I couldn't imagine doing it in my own. Couldn't imagine how I would maintain a hefty mortgage, caring for this house, the kids by myself. Truth be told, if my xah wouldn't have went off of the deep end I would have probably endured for alot longer time. I too know what it's like living with someone who is not using, but not working a program. It sucks the life right out of you.

You're not alone sister. :) This stuff isn't for sissy's. I've said that many times before. The lawyer was a huge first step for me. Unfortunately, I crawled back into the hole for two years after I initially consulted with an attorney and actually followed through.

What is wrong with you? The same thing that is wrong with so many of us going through this. It is VERY true that we know what to do. Doing it is much more difficult. My friends remain dumbfounded that I endured so much. Until they knew the details, they always viewed me as so strong and as having a 'don't take bs' attitude. So anyway, you're not alone. Keep the forward momentum going after you consult with your attorney. Hugs to you girlie.

Thanks ya'll for taking the time to respond. It really helps a lot....

Chino, you ask a great question. do I have the ability and willingness to welcome positive change in my life? I try to look honestly at any tendencies to sabatouge myself. I've found that shame over my past mistakes is a factor being able to welcome change. I also have a lot of fear. All I know to do is keep working the steps on those issues. How does that make my life unmanageable and my part in it all are the questions I am trying to ask. I am worn out emotionally and physically from the intermittant abuse that I am dealing with. My compassion for those in abusive relationships has grown immensely. From the outside, it sure looks easier to walk away from it than it really is....

Outonalimb - you nailed the feelings, the hopes, and the dreams right on the head. Glimmers of hope and magical thinking. Getting sober from 20 years of crack abuse seemed like it should be the hard part....it hasn't been. Learning to live life on life's terms (without a program) has been the hard part. I see now where he substituted our relationship/living environment as his higher power. He used that to get and stay sober and now the price is being paid. I am sure that I found it alluring on some level although I tried to be very conscious of that. Thank you for your kind words about recovery. I believe that having a program is allowing me to face all of this even as much as I am. Thank you.......

Kirsteym, I think that I quit loving him a long time ago. I've loved the dream of having a family and being "normal". That love is definitely not rational. I know that working a recovery is my only chance....I appreciate your support!

Callie - you don't know how frequently you cross my thoughts. There are so many times that I reflect on how hard you fought for your family and all of the pressures that you have had on you. I know that you know what going to that lawyers appointment takes. Hopefully, I will get information that helps me to determine the next step. The fact that you have "done it" and have triumphed is huge for me. I think that the "enduring so much" is why I am asking the difficult question of what in the world is wrong with me. There are times that I have wished that he would make it easier for me (at least in my magical thinking mind) and just flame out with a relapse. My husband now uses anger as his drug. And the plate hurling was a serious relapse. He has admitted that if it had hit me that it would have killed me. That is sobering to say the least. Thank you for the hugs and the support - it helps more than you know!

Donna

(((((Donna)))))

Your answer is FEAR. Fear of the unknown out there. So you're willing to stay in an unacceptable relationship where you have an adult throwing tantrums like a 2 year old.

I guarantee, when my first husband did that to me his azz was escorted out the door to jail by the cops and that was long before domestic violence was such a concern as it is now (1969).

Maybe instead of whether he is going to meetings or not and has a sponsor or not and has counseling sessions or not, you should worry about yourself. Are you seeing a counselor? And/or are you going to AlAnon and do you have an Alanon sponsor?

As we work on ourselves and our own self worth and self esteem improves then people like your H become toxic to us and we get away.

I will hope and pray that you take care of you.

Love and hugs,

Laurie,

Yes, I have a counselor, have a sponsor, go to Alanon. When we married I held myself accountant for the same program that my husband agreed to. I am grateful for the hard work that I have done and the time I have spent in the "chairs". You are completely right about the fear.....it has immobilized me and I've tolerated terrible behaviors because of it. One of the fears that I have is making the wrong choice and regretting it later. I have regretted a number of my life choices and recognize my fear of once again - making a choice and then regretting it.

I should have called the police when he hurled the plate. I didn't. I'm looking at all of this. It's not acceptable. My history has been to allow bad behaviors to be normalized and forgiven. My husband is proposing that we both apologize and move on - put it behind us. He says that I dwell on the past and he is trying to change. I see that I am swayed and am striving to find my way through this stalemate that I realize only exists in my own mind.

Donna

It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and are taking the steps you need to take (seeing an attorney). I don't think the process of deciding what we're going to do is ever quick and easy one. There needs to be a "mountain of evidence" in our minds that we are doing the right thing........his plate throwing incident added heaps to that mountain of evidence.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

He is QUACKING

He is saying and doing the same things as if he were still using. He is DRY, he has changed nothing.

I would suggest you go and work your 12 steps again, starting at step 1.

It is strange but once I worked those 12 steps in AA and again in Alanon, and then started LIVING those steps in ALL my affairs, the FEAR left. I did the footwork for the next correct (right) thing to do in my life, and ........................................... I have had no regrets now for almost 30 years.

As my 'insides' started to change, so changed the 'type of person' that was attracted to me. I no longer attract the 'sickies', I have some very beautiful people in my life. People who care enough to yank my chain when I am bsing myself (and others, lol).

You see, I died to get to AA. Yes died. The ER Doc was putting the TOD on my chart when my heart started on its own. So you can bet I hung on by my fingernails to stay in AA those first months.

Now as I stayed sober and did the steps and my life started to get better it also became very apparent that I was very co dependent also. Always trying to 'fix' others to make me more comfortable. So, I had to go to AlAnon with the same willingness that I went to AA, and again hang on by my fingernails some days.

I don't believe there is anyone on these boards that will tell you that this is easy, or that we can get 'it' by osmosis. NO it is a lot of hard painstaking work, but .................................. the results and the benefits are absolutely OUTSTANDING.

So, ......................................... (((((Donna))))) you have had 4 years now to see he is not the person you believed, wanted, hoped, him to be. The ball is again back in your court.

You have choices today. 1) you can stay exactly where you are, sitting in fear, or 2) you can increase your visits with your therapist, and get with your sponsor and start the steps over, paying particular attention when you get to them to Steps 4,5,6, & 7.

I will continue to hope and pray that you will take care of you.

Love and hugs,

Hugs, lightseeker :hug:

The plate throwing made me sit to attention here and go straight into "protective" mode, but it sounds like you're doing a pretty good job of sorting through this yourself.

Stay safe, find that courage within you that knows you will get through this, and then just follow the light.

Hugs

Try not to feel so badly for yourself or be hard on yourself. He is the one who threw the plate. It forces you to look at your life with a clearer lense when that happens but we do the best we can with what we know.

You hoped that he'd stick to a program and work at keeping the relationship smooth but that hasn't happened. Another piece to this is that he is bipolar. That is a pretty serious diagnosis and is he on meds for that? Or being followed closely for it? When there is a dual diagnosis, it makes things I think a bit harder to sort out in terms of his recovery vs. mental illness and what is causing him to act up.

All you know is that you are not in a situation you can tolerate so now it is about figuring out what to do. That will take time. Once a few changes in your life have been made for you then the rest may come easier.

No one ever said you have to make changes over night! I know that is what I felt had to happen. I gradually eased into it, and you can too. Now, I was like Callie sort of...saw a lawyer, then stalled for quite a while (8 months to be exact). Then I went and it was a slow and steady stream of decisions that eventually led to us legally separating.

Unfortunately I understand all too well what you are going through. I have legally separated, so financially, physically, etc. we are separate. But I haven't completely moved on. I'm still lingering, hanging on to that tiny thread. Wish I could just let it go and for the life of me can't figure out why I haven't? It's insanity. But, I have to realize that it took me 5+ years to get to where I was at. It is okay to take your time through it all.

Oh, and when I get weak, I try to remember some of those incidents. Every once in a while I remember a doozy...something that I almost forgot about. Something so awful, yet I managed to push it back so far in my brain that I almost forgot! Craziness, I tell ya.

****{HUGS}}} Just get your eye on it, and take whatever sized steps you need to, to get there. Evan baby steps can get you there eventually!

Fear is a sneaky emotion that is only created in one place,your subconcious mind.

Your suconcious mind is your controller, it keeps your body working and feeds information to your concious mind, whatever your concious mind is fed, it believes.

So, try feeding your subconcious mind a thought "I am strong, I do not fear the unknown". Do this every night B/4 you go to sleep, after a period of time your concious mind will believe it, and the fear will be gone. Then move onto another positive thought.

It works for me, might help you!

well, i related to this thread all too well. i know the reality, i have the tools, but i have fear i guess. i too set the boundary but it insidiously breaks down. things have been better for me, but i fall for the words and sink a little.

i remember- it does not have to be all at once.

like some of the posts said, i start to believe there is a way to make it work. and it will to an extent, but then things get weird again. i know there needs tobe considerable clean time. i know that. i know she is not working a program. i see the actions that dont match the words. i take one foot out but the other stays put. i'm only in week 2 of therapy so im not expecting much yet.

i guess i just had to say this thread really hits home

We all have fear. It's a normal human emotion - we have a choice on how we respond to our fear.

We give power to what we focus on.

So if we focus on fear, the emotion rules us - it paralyzes us. But if we focus on what we need to do overcome fear, then we give power to our actions and we become courageous.

I love this saying:

There can be no courage if we do not have fear.

Love that quote.

I also agree with Laurie. He's quacking.

Light, sending you a big hug and wishing you good luck on Monday,
SL

One of the fears that I have is making the wrong choice and regretting it later. I have regretted a number of my life choices and recognize my fear of once again - making a choice and then regretting it.


I lived in that forever. Could I ever face someone else sitting in "MY" seat. Could anyone ever know my xah or his family like "I" do? I STILL struggle with that. What if i left before the rainbow, what if i bailed out too soon. Light, looking back, I waited toooo long. I can see the same in you. Look @ abs thread earlier about taking the addiction out of it. His behavior is NOT acceptable. You/we deserve more. You know that, you've just gotta believe it and take the steps.