Wife2anaddict

I think I've been doing relatively well in my own recovery. While I have not attended meetings, I have learned much from reading posts and the codie bible, Codependent No More. I have detatched from my AH since he went into rehab a month ago. I haven't worried about him, cared to talk to him, cared even to hear about how he's doing. We spoke for the first time today. I've been working and caring for my two little ones and really have enjoyed having alone time. His family are all codies, so a few times I have been drawn in to some of the drama, but it's mostly been insurance/business related. I'm realizing that I probably need to detatch from them too. It's hard though b/c they have helped us while he's been gone, and I do appreciate their support, escpecially with my kids.
I've really been able to recognize so many of my past codie behaviors, never having known that they were indeed codependent. I used to think that the only type of enabling was handing over direct finances to support his habit. I never knew about rescuing, the cycle of investigating, reacting, persecuting, and then ultimately not doing much about it. I made many threats and only really followed through for a short time, always taking him back after his promises that this time would be different. He is in rehab right now, and whatever happens, happens. He's prepared to go to Sober Living, and I'm prepared to divorce, with petitions signed and all. I plan on watching how he does, but my expectations are not high, and I really am trying to have a plan B, which brings me to the reason for this post (finally!) I am having a VERY hard time with the boundary/control issue when it comes to money. I want to protect me and my kids financially, but this kind of requires me to be controlling. Let me explain. AH is in rehab, but I am still receiving his bi-weekly paycheck. I am paying his bills, my bills, our bills, with his check and mine, just like always. However, "his" check has been an issue for him since he entered rehab. At first it was that he wanted more than his $60/wk allowance. He needed to pay for all his Rx's, needed to pay the driver for gas, needed a calling card, etc--wanted me to send him his DEBIT CARD!!!! Well I have determined that he doesn't need more than that. I can pick up the Rx, I have sent him a carton of cigarettes and $60/wk since he went in. He gets a $90/wk grocery gift card AT the facility, so I think I've been reasonable w/ the finances. Well, after the first week, he chilled out and accepted the $60/carton of cigarettes arrangements. So last week, he tells his sister he needs to "talk to me about the money" b/c he "wants to be sure that it's available in case the insurance stops paying for treatment and we need to pay out of pocket." I say, the short answer is yes, it's available for that purpose. However, I REALLY believe it has nothing to do with paying for treatment, just that he still has addict brain and wants, wants, wants, mine, mine, mine, gimmee, gimmee, gimmee. Well, today, I finally talk to him on the phone and NOW...he's wanting to call HR of his company to have his check sent to him, and then he'll send me what I need to cover bills. He says he wants to get used to having access to money, being responsible, while he is still in treatment. He thinks that since I have implied divorce, he needs to open his own account, start being responsible on his own, and have the security of rehab so he won't blow the account. I mean, what IS this nonsense? Am I crazy for not buying into this??! Now, I know he's not wanting the money to go use. It's definitely a greed/pride/selfish issue. I am not sitting here buying lavish gifts for myself with his paycheck!!! I am here, raising our kids, clothing, bathing, feeding, entertaining them ON MY OWN!!! However, I know it's technically his money too, so this is where the line is SUPER fuzzy for me. Am I trying to control our/his finances? Is he?! When we discussed this, I got SO angry and defensive, and he used that calm, cool collected attitude that gets me SO FRIGGING riled up, and basically patronized me by saying, "Jeez, sorry, just keep it. I'm not going to argue with you about it." I know him SO well, that I just know he's manipulating me. Now, his enmeshed family all thinks he needs to open his own account too.
Help?

Ann

Wow, this sums up pretty well what most of us have been through. Well said.

Now, about those pay checks. I don`t know if you have any other source of income, but it seems to me that using the money to take care of your family while he is at rehab (and his food and shelter are paid for), is self-preservation and not selfish at all.

Perhaps he sounded calm about it because he agrees.

If divorce may be in the cards for the future, it might be a good time to talk to your lawyer about what you can expect.

Sending hugs because this must be very hard for you.

Kindeyes

Well, I'm not entirely sure what he needs money for in rehab. Other than a few dollars for incidentals, there really isn't anything much to be paying for while in rehab.

One of the most important things I have learned when dealing with the addict in my life is not to allow them to rile me up. If I feel myself going in that direction, it's time to stop the conversation until I can gain control of myself. They LOVE to get us all riled up. It feels MUCH better when we don't allow them to do that!

This is a very tough time for you. In early recovery, the addict always seems to say "Hey LOOK AT ME I'm in recovery and everything is ok now." and they seem to think it erases years of heartache and broken trust. It's almost as bad as full blown addiction. My AS has blamed me for relapses because I didn't immediately trust him while he was sober after just 30 or 60 days. It's just the way an addict rolls.

Take care of yourself. Remember that sometimes no action is the best action that we can take.

gentle hugs
ke

LokiCat

Thank you for posting that... exactly what I'm going thru right now.

LokiCat

I think you should go with your gut on this. On the surface it does appear that he is manipulating you. Everything will work out for the best in the right timing. *hugs*

Wife2anaddict

Thank you all. Yes, we can survive without his paycheck and live on just mine. My problem is, why does he want the money? Like anvilhead said, why is he worrying about this right now, when his focus should be his recovery? Yes, of course we would contribute if it were to pay for treatment, but I just feel like he's scrambling to find some ridiculous excuse to make his desire for the money seem legit. I mean? Wanting to open a bank account so he can learn how to have access to money w/o using? Using the "responsible" tools he's gained in treatment to learn how to have a bank account, but in a controlled setting? Are people really buying into this junk??!!!

Chino

If my husband implied divorce, I'd open my own account, too. It's sound financial advice we give to everyone here when addiction is rampaging and/or divorce becomes a consideration.

grateful101010

I like your plan. If I were in rehab, I'd want my hub to send me some small change pocket money and I'd let him worry about the rest - after all, I'm in rehab, I need to focus on myself.

Your hub, who doesn't want a divorce (they never do) wants you to see what it's like to live without his paycheck so that you'll reconsider divorce. Of course, this will not make you reconsider divorce.

Scenario A: He gets out of rehab and relapses and you divorce him. He will then have his own bank account. He'll either keep his job or lose it, and either way, he'll try to control you and the kids through money.


Scenario B: He gets out of rehab, doesn't relapse and you divorce him anyway because he's a dry drunk. He will then have his own bank account. He'll either keep his job or lose it, and either way, he'll try to control you and the kids through money.

Scenario C: He gets out of rehab, doesn't relapse, you work through your problems, he keeps his job, and you keep the joint bank account and rebuild your marriage. Then there is no problem.

What are the chances that scenarios A, B, or C will happen? Only you can answer that.

Only don't postpone planning for your future based on the outcome of rehab. That's just procrastinating, because whether it ends up as A, B or C, you have a tough row to hoe, sister.

/hugs, stay strong

cece1960

If he wants his own money to manage, I'd consider giving it to him, but NOT before I made arrangements for child support to be deducted while he's in treatment.

Seems only fair to me

JMO

Chino

I'm with cece, do what you have to for you and your kids. HR will do whatever he wants, not you. This is a control issue for both of you. Control what you can and should.