what to do....

Old 05-08-2011, 05:39 AM
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what to do....

last night my husband who has been sober for 5 months now were talking. he and I have been having a really hard time in our relationship since he got sober, the first few months were great it was like i had him back again before all the drugs. anyway, the BIG issue is his family he seems to always pick them over me and our son. Now we have been together for 7 years and in that 7 years his family hasn't done crap for him, for our son. they put him down and walk all over him, when he told his mom he had a drug problem she told him he was stupid and he thinks thats ok, when to me a mom would of put her arms around him and told him it would be ok. she is there for his 2 brothers has a great relationship with them. and my husband wants so much to be "that son" to her, and it's not going to happen, over the 7 years i have been with him, he told me all about his childhood, and how very bad it was. his mom was an alcoholic and drinks an non-alcoholic beer everyday to get by. his grandpa is the same way his brothers have drug and alcohol issues. anyway, when i got pregnant with our son he told me his mom would never watch him because of how he was treated as a kid. on countless times we would go over and no one would even talk to us it would be all about his brothers and their girlfriends, we even made up a code word one day if one of us wanted to leave we would say it cause of how uncomfortable things get. he will not stick up for me or our son to them, now i have tried i have went over there time after time, took a ton of crop from all of them and watched my husband take it too. he knows he couldn't call them if he really needed anything. he told me last night if one of his brothers called him at 4am and needed him to come fight for them he would with out even thinking, knowing he has a wife and kid and could go to jail and leave us. he treats them as if they have been there for him, accepted, loved him. when it has been be that has went threw hell over the last year when his drug problem hit an all time low and he had an overdose. it was me that was there when he was having his withdrawal, going to doctors with him, being his support, he has always been able to call me no matter what. i have been his family when they wouldn't be, they pull him in for a little while make feel like part of the family then they shut him out. he feels like if i'm uncomfortable going around them then i should just stay home and him get to go play like there one big happy family. to me that is wrong me and his son are his "family" he shouldn't go somewhere knowing we're not comfortable, blood to me doesn't make a family it's how you treat and care for the person. so last night we were talking about this issue you and he was being a real jerk about it, saying he doesn't feel like it's right that he should only get to see his family when it's "good for me because i feel uncomfortable" to me he should do his job as a husband and father and make sure the two people that has never stopped caring for him are comfortable and protected around them. he treats them with all the respect in the world and after everything i have been threw i can't seem to get it. he has left his son and i countless times and not come home, still does it when he get's mad, taking much needed money from us when he has on drusg/drinking, living a whole other life behind our back. me having to find him almost dead in the car pain pills everywhere...very bad stuff. all the names he has called me and still calls me. i just wanna be treated and loved like he treats and loves them. if he would just treat me better over them and have my back when it comes to them the issue wouldn't even be that big. and that's not what he's getting. he thinks i am making him pick between me and his family, i never asked that but last night when he was saying that i said "i'm not asking you to pick, but IF it EVER came to that, who would you pick?" well i will just tell you he said 100% it wouldn't be me that hurt me alot, because it should be me, it has always been me that has been there and done everything i could for him. i said "so you would just give us up for them" he said "i wouldn't be giving up my son cause i would take care of him" making me feel like i have been nothing to him the last 7 years. his family has NEVER been threre for him, his brother has him talked into leaving me one time! and this morning i'm left feeling hurt not really sure what to think. because at any minute he would leave me for them. and this "thing" he is having with them isn't going to last, they always shut him out after a while. i was telling him how bad i feel for HIM when they let him down. he tells me it's not my job to worry about that. um i'm his wife how he feels matters to ME! the last thing he wants is to let THEM down when it should be me, because of all the hurt and let downs he has brought to me and our son. i asked him if he could just take them out of the picture until we go to marriage counseling on the 19th so we could talk about it there and he could focus on me and our son with out them being in the picture. at first he wasn't having it then he said ok to it. i asked him why it wouldn't be me he picked he said cause that's my blood, and i asked him what a family to him is and he said "it's bunch of people that are blood that hang out together" to me thats not the meaning of family. he hasn't been following his steps like he should he still has his bad attitude and out look on things (that seem to do with me) it really feels like when he was using cause he hasn't changed that part of him he took the drugs out of the picture and that's it. to me he needs to change his whole life and focus on the people that really do care and want the very best for him. i have had to beg him to stay, beg him to come home, beg him to talk to me. it's not right. none of this seems right to me. i think he really needs to open his eyes and sees what he has right in front of him. i hope someone can help.

thanks!
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Old 05-08-2011, 05:46 AM
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In much the same way he continues to try to get the love and affection from his family, which they can't or won't give, you are trying to get the love and affection from him that he can't or won't give. His family is what it is, just as he is who he is. You want him to stop trying to get something from them that isn't there, yet you are trying to get something from him that isn't there.

Can you see the parallel?
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Old 05-08-2011, 05:50 AM
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yeah i see it and it sucks!
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Old 05-08-2011, 05:56 AM
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Yeah, I know it does. You deserve better. Maybe, try just focusing on you and your son and don't worry so much about your husband. He's a grown man and if he wants to go see his family, he can do that, but you don't have to go along if it makes you uncomfortable. You can't stop him from beating his head against a brick wall, but you don't have to do it, too. Hang in there and take care of yourself and your son.
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Old 05-08-2011, 06:20 AM
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Trying to get between your husband and his family will only drive him further away from you. Sometimes, when we hold on too tight, it simply makes them struggle to want to get away. When we try so hard to control another person for ANY reason, it doesn't work.

This is a really hard concept for many people to understand.....but when we change ourselves, we can affect change in others. We change the dynamic.

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Old 05-11-2011, 11:44 AM
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I'm new here. I do relate to your situation. Please know there isn't anything "wrong" with you or how you feel. It's just that if you want to feel better and be happier it's your own mind set that has to change. Because you cannot change his or theirs. I know it's hard and at times may seem impossible. But if you work at it can be done. I don't so much worry about wether or not I drove him away by pointing out the truth to him about his family and how I felt. Why should I? They did not care about driving me away. I do care about my own happiness and mental health and a person can only keep quiet at their own expense for so long. But once said it is my opinion that your only option is to let it go and get yourself to happy place. I have tried many of the things the wise people on this site have suggested and many of them work. I went back to the gym, I take bubble baths, I visit family and anything else I can to be good to myself. I think a little deeper on some of the things that are said here in order to grow as a person. It helps. Do you deserve somone to put you first? Yes. But I agree with Suki, let him go do what he's going to do, let things play out as they may. You cannot control what he does. Put yourself first. It really is ok to do.
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