ugggg
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Maryland
Posts: 18
ugggg
Due to my AB being high for the past four days (along with my strong desire to become sober myself) i asked AB to leave last night for a minimum of 12 hours. AB wasn't angry..... he said he had no place to go. I apologized and told him to go.
He slept at the neighbors house - sent me one facebook message apologizing for the past 3 years and how i deserve to be happy.
I have gathered that he took off to a friend's house 3 hours away. And has told me in basically he has no idea when he was planning on returning - when I told him I needed the car seat.
Today has been a day of acceptance. One that I have a problem with drugs and being a codie - and two that he is gone. It hurts.
The line that runs thru my head ever second is when he told me 3 months ago that i can into his life for a reason - and that if it wasn't for me he would be much worse off.
It isn't about him coming back to me....... I can live without him. But I worry about him. I know, I know.... I shouldn't be so worried. I worry about his death....... I don't want my son to grow up without a father. But I know I don't want my son to grow up with an active addict for a father.
So i spent today reaching out to everyone he knows one last time - not for them to cure him - but for them to be there to support him. Knowing that it will seal the deal of him ever looking fondly on me again. I no longer care what he thinks of me.
Oddly it was only his mother (who i can't stand) that responded. his father ignored my attempts. All his sober friends have ignored me. Well except one, I am happy for that.
I guess I was hoping for more of an outpouring of support for him.
I believe addicts need to know they are supported and loved - although their behavior is not accepted or allowed. I feel addicts with no one on the other side have a much harder time. I do know if/when he accepts and works on his recovery - he will find others for support.
So tonight I sit praying for him - and enjoying my children.
He slept at the neighbors house - sent me one facebook message apologizing for the past 3 years and how i deserve to be happy.
I have gathered that he took off to a friend's house 3 hours away. And has told me in basically he has no idea when he was planning on returning - when I told him I needed the car seat.
Today has been a day of acceptance. One that I have a problem with drugs and being a codie - and two that he is gone. It hurts.
The line that runs thru my head ever second is when he told me 3 months ago that i can into his life for a reason - and that if it wasn't for me he would be much worse off.
It isn't about him coming back to me....... I can live without him. But I worry about him. I know, I know.... I shouldn't be so worried. I worry about his death....... I don't want my son to grow up without a father. But I know I don't want my son to grow up with an active addict for a father.
So i spent today reaching out to everyone he knows one last time - not for them to cure him - but for them to be there to support him. Knowing that it will seal the deal of him ever looking fondly on me again. I no longer care what he thinks of me.
Oddly it was only his mother (who i can't stand) that responded. his father ignored my attempts. All his sober friends have ignored me. Well except one, I am happy for that.
I guess I was hoping for more of an outpouring of support for him.
I believe addicts need to know they are supported and loved - although their behavior is not accepted or allowed. I feel addicts with no one on the other side have a much harder time. I do know if/when he accepts and works on his recovery - he will find others for support.
So tonight I sit praying for him - and enjoying my children.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
I was my husband's support for the past several years...in Dec a friend took over, along with AH's parents. Now said friend is tired of it and told him to be out by the end of the month. I truly felt sorry for him when he told me that. But honestly, it is what he needs. He needs to "support" himself. So does your AB. What is support anyway?
What I mention above as support from me and AH's friend was financial in that we kept a roof over his head and food as needed. We both reached a point where we thought we were helping, but nothing was changing. So we pulled the "financial" support. You say they need to know they are supported and loved. I think we all do. But we shouldn't be "supported" when we are making bad choices. Loved, that is another thing...and usually misinterpreted by our addicted loves ones truthfully. I still love my AH...if you ask him he'd say no. It's all just sad.
Sorry you are going through this...
What I mention above as support from me and AH's friend was financial in that we kept a roof over his head and food as needed. We both reached a point where we thought we were helping, but nothing was changing. So we pulled the "financial" support. You say they need to know they are supported and loved. I think we all do. But we shouldn't be "supported" when we are making bad choices. Loved, that is another thing...and usually misinterpreted by our addicted loves ones truthfully. I still love my AH...if you ask him he'd say no. It's all just sad.
Sorry you are going through this...
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I'm so sorry for your pain, and his, right now. But if love could save an addict, not one of us would be here.
Sadly, the most loving thing we can do is to let go and let them fall. They know they are loved. My son once told me that even in his worst hour, he knew he was loved.
When the pain of using becomes greater than the fear of getting clean, perhaps he will surrender and find a better path. Until then, all you can do is to keep him in your prayers...and take care of that darling child.
Hugs
Sadly, the most loving thing we can do is to let go and let them fall. They know they are loved. My son once told me that even in his worst hour, he knew he was loved.
When the pain of using becomes greater than the fear of getting clean, perhaps he will surrender and find a better path. Until then, all you can do is to keep him in your prayers...and take care of that darling child.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Unfortunately, you are attempting to control the "how" others support for your AB. Sometimes, those of us who have dealt with the addiction of our loved one have given support and love in a thousand different ways and it hasn't resulted in the addict getting clean and sober. Some of us have had to do something that we use to think we could never do.....let go and let God.
My AS is homeless. I have no idea how he is surviving. His behavior has become so crazy and unpredictable that I cannot be around him. He is not the person I raised. He is a meth addict. I love him. I will always love him. I hope and pray that he knows that but one thing I know for absolute certainty......my love cannot cure his addiction. If it could, it would have happened long ago.
I'm not sure what you expect these people to do. Personally, after everything we have been through with our son for 14 years, if someone called to tell me that I need to show my son love and support, it would not be received well.
The relationship between me and my son belongs to....well.....me and my son. I love him dearly. I pray for him daily. I want him to be sober more than anything in the world but all that wanting isn't going to make it happen.....until he decides that it's what he wants.
Addiction causes extraordinary fear in people who love the addict. As my signature below says "There is no useful purpose in fearing that which we cannot control." I cannot control my son's addiction, so I choose not to fear it. I cannot control whether my son chooses to die, so I choose not to fear it.
It has been a very long and PAINFUL road for me to get to this point. Please don't judge what, how and why others do to support your AB......you don't know the path they have walked with him.
gentle hugs
ke
My AS is homeless. I have no idea how he is surviving. His behavior has become so crazy and unpredictable that I cannot be around him. He is not the person I raised. He is a meth addict. I love him. I will always love him. I hope and pray that he knows that but one thing I know for absolute certainty......my love cannot cure his addiction. If it could, it would have happened long ago.
I'm not sure what you expect these people to do. Personally, after everything we have been through with our son for 14 years, if someone called to tell me that I need to show my son love and support, it would not be received well.
The relationship between me and my son belongs to....well.....me and my son. I love him dearly. I pray for him daily. I want him to be sober more than anything in the world but all that wanting isn't going to make it happen.....until he decides that it's what he wants.
Addiction causes extraordinary fear in people who love the addict. As my signature below says "There is no useful purpose in fearing that which we cannot control." I cannot control my son's addiction, so I choose not to fear it. I cannot control whether my son chooses to die, so I choose not to fear it.
It has been a very long and PAINFUL road for me to get to this point. Please don't judge what, how and why others do to support your AB......you don't know the path they have walked with him.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Not sure how long he has been an addict but chances are that love and support came to him in spades and many people before you where there for him, supported him. Bridges were probably burnt in the process.
Everyone comes to a place of acceptance for the addict in their own time, on their own terms. I think it isn't accurate to assume that only those who are or have been addicts get the loneliness and isolotion. We all get it. No one wants to know someone we care about is isolated or alone and hurting. They also worry about his death and have been doing so most likely for a while.
But when you push people away systematically for so long, and chose to stay in that life, this is what happens. It isn't that the 'clean friends' don't support or love him. It is the pain of watching someone you love hurt themselves that is unbearable to witness over and over.
Everyone comes to a place of acceptance for the addict in their own time, on their own terms. I think it isn't accurate to assume that only those who are or have been addicts get the loneliness and isolotion. We all get it. No one wants to know someone we care about is isolated or alone and hurting. They also worry about his death and have been doing so most likely for a while.
But when you push people away systematically for so long, and chose to stay in that life, this is what happens. It isn't that the 'clean friends' don't support or love him. It is the pain of watching someone you love hurt themselves that is unbearable to witness over and over.
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