Trying to sort it all out...

Old 05-07-2011, 10:59 AM
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Trying to sort it all out...

8 months ago my (49 year old) boyfriend of 10 years left our relationship several days after hooking up with a woman at a high school reunion. Ironically, he had begun to reminisce about high school all the time. Since then it has become clear that he was using drugs in the months prior to his cheating.

He comes from a family of drug and alcohol abuse and was married to two women with drug problems. I believe that he was clean when I met him, but he began using when his daughter's addiction got out of control about two years ago. He went off the deep end when one of his sisters died suddenly a year ago.

I believe he was using drugs because of what I saw. He was extremely depressed, slurred his words, stumbled, fell asleep earlier and earlier in the evening, and he would pass out on occasion. About 4-6 weeks prior to his leaving he would come home and go directly into the bathroom. I noticed he was in there for long periods of time and being curious once went in after him and noticed a strange odor. He always left the fan on when he left the bathroom. He became more and more withdrawn. On several occasions I noticed that his skin felt flushed and he had an odd body odor. He admitted to taking pills, but I stupidly never asked what. When we went to his high school reunion, he left me alone for about 40 minutes while he disappeared in the parking lot probably getting high or buying something.

When I realized that he was cheating I called his sister and she said "Oh, xxxx, he's going to end up right back where he was if he doesn't go to counseling or get therapy. And you know xxx (sister who died) was giving him that xxxx (Xanax)." I was so traumatized over his cheating that I didn't understand the implications of what she was saying.

Since that time, I realized that she was telling me that he had had past drug issues. Honestly, in the 10 years we were together, I never knew. The focus was always on his daughter's drug addiction. I have been told by many that I am fortunate that he left as his addiction was only getting worse. I don't feel fortunate, but instead am broken. I believe that he has had a life long addiction problem, but hid it from me. It was my mother who (a week after he left) told me it was about drugs.

During the week prior to his leaving he could not face me. When we spoke all he could say was that it was time for him to go. When he finally admitted to having sex with someone else, I told him he was right, "it was time for him to go." I asked him to leave that morning and I haven't seem in since.

I know there is nothing I could have done to stop this, but I feel foolish and stupid that I was completely blindsided by his drug use. The signs were all there, dilated pupils, falling asleep while eating, stumbling, slurred speech, passing out, staying too long in the bathroom, high body temp, a chemical odor and a deep depression that had lasted for about a year. Over the last year he became obsessed with money and began to pay less and less. He has left me responsible for two house payments, all the accompanying bills and a 100 lb dog we bought as a pup to help with his depression.

I only speak with him occasionally, and ironically, he plays the victim as if I were the wrongdoer by saying that I threw him out and that I won't talk to him. What really hurts is that he takes no responsibility for his actions. He is still with this woman and I suspect that she is now his enabler. My heart is broken and thinking of him as a drug addict only causes more pain. I believe that he is suffering as I am, but is unwilling to make a change or believes that he can't. He has never been one to help himself.

My therapist recommended that I attend NarAnon meetings which I have begun to do. Hopefully, I can get some answers and understanding of what drug addiction is about. I have been told not to take this personally???, but it sure feels personal. I miss him so much I can't bear it, but until he's ready to make a change I can't have any contact with him. It's just too painful.

Thanks for your time...
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Old 05-07-2011, 11:16 AM
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I feel so much of how you feel. My RAH left me and our family 8 days ago and its been a roller coaster. I know its hard because you miss and love him. I came to this sight a few months back but never really followed through on posting, etc..until he left me. Just try and take baby steps and go day by day. My RAH too took up with a woman who enables his drinking and it hurts like hell but just remember they are broken inside and he will be no better with her. Try to get some distance and keep busy and do not settle for being treated less than what you deserve. Do not be hard on yourself, that's my worst problem! You will be fine...
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Old 05-07-2011, 12:52 PM
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Originally Posted by towheadgirl View Post
I have been told not to take this personally???, but it sure feels personal.
You've experienced the fallout of addiction. It personally happened to you, it is not because of you
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Old 05-07-2011, 01:11 PM
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he plays the victim as if I were the wrongdoer by saying that I threw him out and that I won't talk to him

Yeah, my husband did that too. His mother used to step over his father when he was passed out drunk on the floor to get to the kitchen to make breakfast. That's what my husband wanted; blind acceptance of his use. Ick.
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Old 05-07-2011, 04:33 PM
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I was told that addicts don't leave, they may disappear for days at a time but, they don't leave. However, it appears that many do leave when it becomes too uncomfortable.
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