Andee

My husband has been sober for 5 months now, he had a pain pill addiction/alcoholic for about years. he had an overdose in November. anyway, i'm writing because i'm worried about him and our marriage. for over a month i have seen a side of him i seen while he was using and drinking, he is very cold, disrespectful, and just right down mean! he has went back to calling me a bitch, *****, dumb ass, anything he can think of. I get told to F off or F you, pack my stuff i'm not dealing with your ass. and now his new thing is "i'm gonna find someone else" he leaves every chance he gets just last saturday he left and didn't came home til late sunday. we have a 4 year old son together, i have to tell him to play with him, he and i never do anything as a couple, we don't do anything as a family. and on the small chance we do do something i have to set it up. when he is here he seems so unhappy and out of it, i will ask him if something is wrong all i ever hear is "i'm just tired" i know him i know when something is wrong or bothering him but he won't let me in. he goes to AA 4 times a week, he has two sponsors, they're great. he has stopped doing his morning prayer, he and i would do that the first month he first got sober, he is slacking on his steps, i just feel 5 months in there should be some kind of change in him. he THINKS he is doing all these things and i'm just "bitching, and nothing makes me happy" but my needs are not being met by him. I just don't see how he can want to live a sober life, but have the same bad attitude and habits he had as an addict.

another BIG issue is his family!!!! Josh and I have been together 7 years married 3 of those 7 years. his family (his mom, and 2 brothers) have never been there for him, he said it's been that way his whole life, he never fit in. they have put him down so much right to his face, there have been countless times we have went over and no one would even talk to us or our son, it is very uncomfortable! his brothers have never been uncles, his mom has never acted like a grandma, his brother at one time almost had Josh talked into leaving me. and he doesn't see any of this. I have to say his mom was an alcoholic and get's by now by drinking NA a beer with no alcohol, same goes for his grandpa, his dad is one as well and smokes weed every day, step mom too and she does pills, his young step brother is on pills VERY bad! his other brother is an alcoholic and has stopped smoking weed, Josh would say he was at AA and really be over at his brothers house, and his last brother is on drugs and has done pills with my husband. he had a very very bad childhood. because of all the stuff that has happend with his family i have big issues with them. i have big issues with how his mom has treated him, our son and myself. i can not say anything about them he gets soooooo mad if i do and we end up fighting, he would fight the world for them, but can not show that kind of fight for our family we have together. i used to always hear "blood is thicker than water" his mom doesn't even have a wedding picture of us in her house, she has pictures from our wedding but they are of her and her husbandd and Josh's brothers and right in the middle is a picture of Josh's brother and his girlfriend!! where our picture she be. he has never stuck up for me or son when it comes to them he lets them get away with anything they do and makes excuses for them or always has something to say on there behalf. he treats me like crap over them, if they told him to jump he would ask "how high?" it's just sad. and i can't take it anymore. he wants so bad to have his mom see him as the son she sees his brothers as, and he wants the same from his brothers. and he is not going to get it, they pull him in then they shut him out, thats how it's been the 7 years i have been a part of this. I am very uncomfortable being around them, and he doesn't have my back, he just gets mean with me. he always says 'it will be ok" but has never shown me that it WILL be ok. he says they treat me the way they do because of ME! i just feel like he should be holding on to our relationship, like he is trying to hold on to what ever kind he has with them or wants to have. i have never turned my back on him, i have always been there. not them! but he treats them like they have and i get the crappy end of things. i have to beg him to talk to me, beg him to not leave, and beg him to come home. he doesn't fight for me the way i fight for him. he has such a hard time spending time with me and our son but has no problem spending time with his mom or brothers or grandma and grandpa. he trys so hard not to let him them down, when they have let him down so much. it really brings me down. and don't know what to do. he let's me down all the time, i kinda feel like he is doing to me what his family done to him. at this point i really feel like he would give up our relationship for the one with them. he tells me if i have an issue with them for me to do something about it, that it's between me and who ever the issue is with, i feel like it's HIS family HE should take care of it. that's what i do if him and my mom have an issue i step in. he was gonna hit my mom one day i had to pull him back so he didn't hit her. i have put up with this for so long, while he was using and still am now that he isn't using or drinking, i feel like he should treat me with the same if not more respect he shows them, they see a side of him i would LOVE to see! it's not fair not after everything i have been through with him. they were not ones going through the HELL i was going through while he was using and drinking, they were not there when he had his overdose, they were not the ones that helped him through his withdrawals, they were not being his support, I WAS! I just don't know what to do anymore...

he says he loves me but is that enough???

Andee

oh and he also thinks if i'm uncomfortable to go around them i should just stay home, and him go and be what he thinks is one happy family.

meggie122

Are you sure he isn't using again? That is how it sounds to me. My Husband is also addicted to pain pills and our story is very similar to yours. He could be pushing you away to isolate himself so he doesn't feel guilt. Don't let him drag you down. Take care of yourself. I finally moved out and he is getting help. But first things first, you have to take care of your mental and emotional well being.

Andee

yes it crosses my mind everyday that he is using again! i have even asked him and he says "no,but you make it hard to stay sober" it doesn't feel much like love! i know it's abuse he doesn't think it is cause he doesn't hit me. i try telling him he can't put anymore on me cause of everything i just went threw 5 months ago and he says "to stop living in the past" saturday when he left i stayed strong didn't call him or text him took our son to play mini golf and to the movies to see Rio. but the next day when he texted me and said good morning to our son it went threw me. he just texted me that to get under my skin our son is 4 he can't read a text.

Andee

i think about it alot, i just don't have the guts to walk away. I don't know why. he is starting anger management on top of the marriage counseling we already do that is not working. everyone keeps telling me one day i will be able to walk away.

Andee

thank you, i have the best kid in the world so mother's day will be blessed for me!!! i kinda lost myself in all of this, so i need to work on finding out who i am again. it's SO hard for me to think about myself. But i know i gotta do it.

outtolunch

Take the booze and pills out of this and what's left?

You have had a choice to not put up with any of this all along.

That you did, does not mean you get a prize for doing so. Actually, the more abuse we put up with, the more abuse comes our way. This is life and life is not fair.

Think about some boundaries which are not the same thing as attempting to control someone else's behavior.

Boundaries begin with I will/ willnot. Attempts to control usually begin with you should.... You have no control over him or his family. The more you focus on people and things you don't control, the less you focus on yourself.

"I will not live with/expose my child to an abuser" is a solid boundary and puts the responsibility for action on you because you are the only person you can control. If you find yourself living with an abuser, you remove yourself from the situation.

Many seek professional help for guidance with setting boundaries. Remember, you always have a choice.