meggie122

In no way do I take responsibility for my husbands addiction and the things he has done to hurt me. I do feel responsible for the things about me that have given him excuses to stop loving me. I am guilty of being selfish in out relationship, of not opening up to him about everything and of neglecting out relationship when our son was born. I want DH to know I am truly sorry. Again, I know I don't deserve the betrayal and pain he has caused. But I can't help but think I should have done something different. Even before he relapsed he would say he didn't think I loved him and even though I KNOW that it is not my fault he chose to use drugs, I wish I would have tried a little harder at our relationship. Relationships are hard to begin with. I guess it is just multiplied by 1000 when you live an addict. Anyway, it seems like every day I have to rationalize every thing again. I know it sounds crazy but today I am having a hard time not letting him know I am sorry for not being a better wife and that if he gets better I would like to make it right.

Kindeyes

I'm sorry that you're struggling today. Yes relationships are hard--even when they are healthy and both people are in it equally. But when there is a third partner in the relationship (drugs or alcohol) it becomes a huge struggle.

There is nothing you can do to change the past. It serves no useful purpose to beat yourself up about something that you cannot change. It's okay to take responsibility for what has been done but then we need to focus on that which we can do something about....today.

What do you enjoy? On days when I feel down or I'm struggling, I turn to something that I enjoy--even if it's for just a little while--it helps me to bring myself back into today.

gentle hugs
ke

BarelyHere

Meggie
I am so sorry you are going through this conflict. I myself struggle with the guilt of my husbands A many days. Do I know I didn't cause this....yes. I am good with this most days. And that took many months to get there. But I still have days, where I question. In the five plus yrs he was using, what if I had figured out what was going on. What if instead of accusing him of having affairs, etc. I had figured out the truth & put my foot down then, would it have changed anything? Yes it would have. But most likely only changed the time frame. Through the five yrs I was confused, I shut him out, or berated him for his odd behaviors, and attacked him over all the lies I kept catching him in.
Planned my escape from the craziness.
But did I cause any of this? NO It was only my reaction to the craziness he was causing in our lives.
I struggle with what I know mentally & what I feel in my heart. I believe we all do. Some of us have more strong days than weak. Some of us are stronger than others. But IMO there is always some guilt whether it's right or not.
But you do have to let it go. It only serves to bring you down, and let him justify himself.
Thinking of you

outtolunch

There is nothing we can do to cause or prevent someone else from relapse.

We have no power over other people.

Anyone who attempts to project blame for their own choices/behaviors on another is not taking responsibility for themselves.